Pain

Once there lived a man;
He had no nerves; to feel;
Neither touch nor pain
He fell in love.
The girl said "I will only love a man with nerves".
Then he felt what pain is. 

PS : Translation of a Malayalam poem I wrote.

Some thoughts on Malayalam

Well, I don't think that what I'm going to write will be an authentic thing, because I myself have doubts about it, but I can't help expressing my views on this matter.
Even though this is about the status of my mother tongue I don't feel like blogging about it in Malayalam because the transliteration option is very difficult to post long things (atleast for me) and I can type English faster than Malayalam.

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This idea got into my head because of an edition of Mathrubhumi weekly, the theme of which happens to be the state of Malayalam. I happened to know from the articles that Malayalam is considered as a dying language or fundamentalists think that Malayalam is facing extinction! ( I don't understand how a language spoken by atleast 3crore people will become extinct.) The main points struck me (though these are from different articles by people who have different opinions) are these:

1)Malayalam doesn't have many works in the field of literature, but it doesn't have anything (or anything major) in the field of science.
2) Malayalam is facing grave danger from English since parents are eager to send their children to English medium schools!

These are points on which I anted to comment, because I'm a science student and I studied in English medium. When I say English medium, only my medium was English, all my schools were where ordinary Malayalam speaking students studied, unlike "the English medium schools".

Let me start with my education. I'm a Malayali and I'm damn proud of it. [Though I don't admit it at home. ;)] When I was a child I was crazy about Hindi and I took effort to make sure that I can handle my national language well. I don't regret that. Because it still is one of my favorite languages. I studied in English medium schools right from LKG, (well the fact that I studied in LKG implies the fact by default) to tenth. Why tenth? Because, after tenth, everybody is in plus two, where the medium is definitely English (atleast in Kerala). [This is one thing which I don't understand, if people are so crazy about everybody learning in Malayalam medium, why not make higher education too in Malayalam? ] But I always had Malayalam to learn and I never felt any difficulty handling that, except I was slow in writing it. But it never meant that I couldn't or can't or won't be able to convey my ideas in Malayalam. I had classmates whose English was horrible despite the fact that they were in English medium! I even had a friend who studied with me till 7th, and after we changed school, he was unable to cope up with the medium and had to be shifted to Malayalam medium. So what is the hype about being in English medium? I don't understand. As far as I remember I hated the shoes, socks, tie system of the schools where I studied and was extremely happy to be in DBHSS where the only compulsory thing was blue bottom and white top.  Is it that you can boast that your child is in English medium? After all English is just another language. The only thing which makes it different from other languages is that it can be used globally. But as I grew up, I started suspecting that too, because natives of many other countries don't even know English! In that way Indians are well advanced! They can use a global language and it saves them from being a closed system. People should be ashamed or make so much hype about saving languages in the name of making education compulsory in mother tongue. Because saving a language doesn't mean that you've to educate children in your mother tongue. I've a good example to present. That's me. :) The fact that I studied in English medium didn't stop me from reading Malayalam or writing in Malayalam. [This is a funda which I don't understand, why should I not read things in my own mother tongue. Some people had asked me whether I know my mother tongue. I had always felt that it was a ridiculous question. Why shouldn't I know my mother tongue? May be its time to change that thought considering that there are people who want to make it a point that they don't know their mother tongue.]

OOpsss. I've drifted far from my point. The point was the lack of Malayalam's contribution to science writing. I admit that as a science student who did here schooling in English medium, I don't know the Malayalam terms for any of the scientific terms. For example I still can't distinguish between "prevegam and twaranam". I don't know which one is velocity or which one is acceleration. [I think the former is velocity and the later is acceleration.] And what happens in science education (for I don't know what happens in arts education) students who learn things in regional languages ( I think there's no point telling regional language, because I asked my Bengali officemates about the names of integration, differentiation, velocity and acceleration only to find out that the words are the same, "Sankalan, vyavakalan(I'm supposing vyavakalan is differentiation, he gave me "avakalan"), veg and twaran"; which means they are not any regional language's own, they are from Sanskrit! [This is my conclusion; it may be wrong too.] So what is the point? After learning "vibhanganam (my search shows that it is diffraction), aakernanam(dispersion),vikiranam (raditation)" etc upto tenth, they are suddenly forced to learn diffraction or dispersion  or radiation! Why? I used to wonder "why this double trouble"? Why couldn't students be taught those English names in their syllubus, which would eliminate the need for an extra learning when they came to higher secondary? I found the answer (or atleast I think I have found the answer) to this question. There's no science publication in Malayalam! [Or atleast the bhashavaadis say so. When I read about it I too agreed completely, but after sometime I had to disagree by 1% because I grew up reading a Malayalam science magazine whose name happens to be Sastrakeralam. (Atleast there's a Sastrakeralam as a Malayalam science publication.) ] Why would anybody use these seemingly tough words after school or higher education? ( I must admit that it would be fun collecting these words, because once you understand the proper meaning they won't sound difficult; may be that's the case with those who had learned them in their syllabus.) Tell me one thing, what is the English word for "tara samuham"? Its galaxy. [I got this from an online dictionary. Pls don't blame me if its wrong.] To me galaxy sounds mesmerising than tara samuham. And it saves time. Right? Pls try speaking out these words. I think the English ones will take lesser time and lesser effort. [I think this is an opinion of my science mind trained in English.] Ok fine, I searched for pulsar, quasar, active galactic nuclei, quarks, leptons and the names of the four fundamental forces. I got "Vaidyutakaanta sakti for electromagnetism", "gurutwakarshanam for gravity " and "sorry we couldn't find anything for "strong force and weak force"! and active galactic nuclei ". Probably I can define "weak force" as "asaktabalam" and "strong interaction as sasaktabalam". [But I got the definition of strong force as "ശക്ത ന്യൂക്ലിയാര്‍ പ്രവര്‍ത്തനം" from a a site which gives its translation in different languages! The same site gives me the meaning of galaxy as "tarapatham"! Who knew tarapatham meant galaxy (better than tara samuham)! There's so much ambiguity in the different meanings I find that I don't want to believe any of these and concentrate on my good old English words which I'm familiar with.

Even if I want to write a pakka Malayalam article (ie. where I'll call my neutral current events and charge current events ( now it strikes me that I've never read a malayalam word for charge! And now I can't find any equivalent word for charge in any of the Indian languages. So we can adopt charge as charge to our languages. [There may be some word, I don't know.] [Are! Just now have I  remembered that wikipedia has regional language pages! Even there I couldn't get the apt word for charge.] [Wow! Wikipedia doesn't have regional pages for things like "Flavor-changing neutral current"! ] I can't figure out how I'll ever do that! [Probably I'll become the biggest contributor to Malayalam science writing after that! :) ]

[It might have happened because of the fact that most of the modern science things were developed in the 20th and 21st century and by that time people might have given up the effort to translate things into regional languages! I don 't know whether this seems correct or not.]

So, coming back to my point. After tenth everybody leaves Malayalam terms behind and embraces English terms. And 99% of those science students end up going to Engineering or Medicine where you don't have to bother about "galaxies, neutral current or ring fields" [though this is a very crude approximation {now, I'm searching for the Malayalam of approximation, but I can't find it (probable because its Malayalam analogue couldn't be shortened as approx, I started using approximation}!  And, even if I write a purely Malayalam article, how many kids would read it and decide to persue pure science? [It happens that out of some 50 students who subscribed for Sastrakeralam in 8th, I was the only one to continue it till my post BSc days.] My father usually tells me. Write something and send to Sastrakeralam. How am I supposed to write? I can write a science article easily in English, but in Malayalam, it will be a "Thumbiakkondu kalleduppikkuka" process. [See this is the peculiarity of Malayalam; I can easily find literature analogues or std literature expressions in Malayalam. And I can express my most cherished feelings or my most painful feelings beautifully in Malayalam, when I fail to do so in English at times. It has become an extremely poetic language in the sense that one can pour his/her heart beautifully out, in it but it becomes sort of awkward when one tries to write something as matter of factly as science, in it. Its not that it is impossible, but it is difficult. It needs extreme patience to do such a thing . Even for Malayalam blogging one needs patience. But isn't it a wonderful fact that transliteration to Malayalam is available and that Malayalam fonts are available in document editors?

Now my 2nd point; about Malayalam facing threats from English. As far as the issue of death of Malayalam is considered, it will live as long as there are Malayalis. Even when there are Malayalis who don't know how to read and write Malayalam. Well you'll find Malayalis even on the moon, then how will this language die? And why should one hype about making primary education in Malayalam only? It would in some way make a closed system. I'm not telling that English medium education is better (not am I supporting that show off, where you've to pay huge fees and suffer to show off that your kid is a kutti sayipp), but everybody should be given the freedom to choose the medium. Those who study in regional medium are not fools and those who study in English medium are not show offs. What ever be the medium, the knowledge one acquires is what matters in the end. And I don't understand why people are so ashamed of studying in regional mediums. My parents studied in regional mediums, my cousins were in Malayalam medium ; that didn't reduce the amount of achievements they have had in their lives. That didn't make them dumb people. And I don't  think that my being in English medium had made me extra super or whatever or spoiled me. Nor has the same happened to my other cousins who are in English medium. And we all appreciate all kinds of things in both languages. I still read Mathrubhumi, which I had started from my 8th std, I still watch Malayalam movies. And my greatest luck is that I have friends with whom I can talk in Malayalam, where ever I go. Afterall when you have a severe headache the first language which comes to your mouth is your mother tongue. :) Atleast I find it very difficult to communicate in English or Hindi or Tamil when I'm suffering from one. :)

So, my sweet language is not going to die at all. It needs a little bit of makeover. That's all. :)

THE EPIC SAGA; OF A WORLD CUP

I'm very excited; so excited that I can't even find words to type. Reason : India won the cricket world cup yesterday. And that too, after 28 eventful years. Now I too can be proud that a world cup came home during my lifetime. :) But the longing for it had been very intense. :)

It so happens that this is India and cricket (men's cricket, nobody even remembers that women too play cricket and there is a team also) are inseparable. Cricket is the new age spirit that keeps the diverse Indians together, irrespective of all criticism towards the game or its fans. There is really no other game which can make the people euphoric and extremely sad, there isn't one for which they'll take a half day leave and go home to watch the live telecast. :) Well everybody knows about all these, what I want to tell is my own thoughts about the game.

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I didn't use to be a big fan of cricket, I didn't even know what its rules were. I knew Kapil Dev from my childhood and many others whom I don't remember now, for I used to see their posters in my uncles' room ( All the walls in that room were covered with posters of cricket stars! Many years later when there was a painting, those posters were removed. I don't know where they are now. )

The first memory of I watching cricket is about a match of India and SriLanka, sometime during my summer vacation when I having my 5th to 6th vacation. I still don't know which match was it. Later on, I somehow took interest in the game and started following it. It was by the end my 7th std, and after sometime, I had a decent cricket album with  photos of many stars in it (ofcourse Indian stars). My favorites were Dravid and Ganguly (of whom I later became a great fan and still am, I still freak out on seeing him on TV ;) ) and my cricket fanship began with India winning a tournament in Bangladesh (guess who was the star? Ganguly of course, I was very impressed by his sixes and fours. :) ), that was before the front of our home was renovated and our TV set kept unused for many months. But that couldn't restrict my budding love for the game. :) I used to collet news and pictures and make albums (again star of the album being Ganguly). At that time, we didn't have a cable connection (in fact we didn't have one till 2003, i.e it came after I passed plus two). I still remember watching India's tournament with Zimbawae (when Andy Flower and Grant Flower (is that right?) were in their team, a in 1998 Novmber (along with the edition of new SasthraKeralam, which was the second edition I got after newly subscribing for it) after the renovation was complete and TV restored.

Then came the 1999 world cup. I used to watch each and every match Inida [layed and that six by Ganguly in the match against Kenya is still in my mind. Actually I had dreamed that six, right on the day my cricket fanship started, (that Ganguly had hit a six which crossed the stadium buildings). I don't remember the order, but I watched match against England and when electricity went, I was sooo tensed that I prayed for it to come soon (see world cup usually occurs in March or April and summer rains will be there, with thunder which makes watching TV impossible if you care for your picture tube. I was cheering for India along with all other Indians (who cheered for them) and was happy when they won matches against Kenya, England and Pakistan. I remeber being tense for the match in which the batting line up collapsed and Inida lost for 3 wickets, because of Henry Olonga ( whom we alll cursed for doing such a thing to Inida), but I can't find that match in any record in the net! Anyway that world cup made had the most memorable match of SA-AUS semi final, which the then AUS captain Steve Waugh had made memorable, and for which I became his fan (really Steve Waugh is a good man ). In my cricket album I had their picture lifting the world cup.

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My cricket fanship continued inthat I used to follow everymatch, but I was in 10th next year. But by the time I had become a fan of hte SA team also (reason I got a poster of Kallis and Gibbs along with sporstar and (oh! I forgot, my cricket fanship had made me a subsciber of Mathrubhumi sports masika, with which I used to get beutiful posters of cricketers, well of Saurav Ganguly too, :) ) because of Lans Klusner ( I didn't like Klusner for his cricket, but I liked him because he knew Zulu; well people are pretty crazy in their teens :) ). (I once hated Hansi Kronje for defeating Inida in a final, but later I was very sad about what he happened to him. It was very sad. ) So the most memorable match I saw in my 10th was a match of India against Australia I suppose and why it is memorable is because of this: I think it was the time when Yuvraj was selected to the team. He hit such a six that it broke the glass of a vehicle. (Yuvi you are wonderful.)  And it was on Mahanavami and the day on which every student is restricted from studying anything.

Well I don't remember much of the things in 2001 and 2002, then came 2003 and the world cup, of course Saurav Ganguly was the captain. And it was the time of my public exam! What will one do? Study or watch cricket? India's first match against Netherland was on the eve of my Biology practical exam. I was chanting experiments all day (even in the bathroom when I was bathing, and was thinking about how to see the match. Finally I got a way around, I  will study in the hall! So that I can walk from one room (TV room) to hall and back and in between can switch the TV on and watch. ;) Anyway India didn't seem to play well against the newcomers, finally I decided to study well for the exam. :) Then came the news, that fans back home were furious and had poured black oil on the captain's cut outa along with showing fury to all the players! Thanks to Inidan fans, Inida didn't have to look back after that. The semi-final was on a rainy day when I had our Physics exam. I remember listening to the commentary (since I loved my picture tube) and being happy when Inida won the match.

Then came the mega event (i.e final with Australia). Newspaper published the picture fans had made using Lagaan poster "La-again" with Aamir Khan replaced by Ganguly and the rest by the other Inidan team members. ( I forgot, there used to be colorful tabloids, and in the final one, there was a story about Bret Lee.)  That mega event was on the eve of our Maths exam, and I went for my tution class, only to find a group of people glued in front of the tv screen ( it happened that it was the marriage of our Teacher's sister's daughter and many friends were staying there). but before I went, India after winning the toss had decided to field first and that's the moment when I cursed Ganguly for the first time in my life (see cricket can cause extreme liking and extreme hatred in a fan's heart to the player, often the fans forget about the player's feelings, though the fan feels sorry afterwards). So everybody in our class was sort of doomed. To cheer us up, our teacher reminded us that its Australia and we ought to acknowledge that fact and concentrate on the next day's exam and be consistent like Australia. She gave us payasam also and we concentrated on our matrices and probabilities.

Everyone was sure that India was going to lose the match, for the Aussies had scored the huge score of 359 (thanks to Indian bowlers) thus setting an unbeatable score in front of the Indians. At home, when I was unable to concentrate, my father scolded me for wasting my time for a losing team who would get payed anyway. Finally I gathered the courage to switch on the TV only to see the last wicket go ( I think the last man I saw was Nehra , but he was not out). Anyway to reduce the grief, I watched the presentation ceremony and Sachin being declared as man of the series. That was the day when my dislike for Ponting (before that I never liked Ponting) began. Along with it began my dislike for the Australina team who won match after amtch becoming invincible. Good that it was not Steve Waigh who was the captain then. I can't afford to dislike a man like Steve Waugh. :)

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But Inida continued to play good matches, both tests and ODIs and I was in college, cable came, but only to be cut during my exams! I used to listen to commentaries on radio (thanks to AIR) and still be a fan. But then due to the scandals and match fixing things, I lost interest in the game and stopped following everything. The 2007 world cup never registered in my mind as a world cup at all. It was just another "Aussies' winning occasion". I even didn't follow the 20-20 world cup (though now I feel a bit sad abt not following it) and almost lost all touch with cricket and its euphoria. I began viewing cricket as just another game or the game in which people made big money inside and outside (by being brand ambassedors of products and playing in IPL) the field.

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I had not even known that this year's WC was jointly conducted by India, Bangladesh and SriLanka; I don't know how I came to know about it. My uninterest towards cricket continued and during oour science day celebration, when everybody was supporting Inida in its match agaionst England, I sat calmly and queitely as if nothing of it bothered me. Not because I had lost all my interest in cricket, but because I doubted the Inidan team. And finally during our dinner in Zaitoon, two peole were running to watch the score and were happy when it was tied! Oh my God1 Give me a break. It was mere luck. And I totally lost faith in Inidan team (as if I had faith earlier ;) ) when they lost their match against SA. So I decided to cheer for SA in the upcoming games ( of course India's chances seemed to be sparse at that moment for me). But SA crashed out of the tournament and Inida won the match against the West Inides decently, to meet Australia in the quarter-final. Well it was 2003 again in my mind, thuogh the team was different. And I wrote on my wall "India's way out of world cup has been opened." That was the desperate thought of a fan who had watched Inida crumble on the eve of her maths exam 7 years ago. Everybody was frantic. Well to me, it was like, they should defeat Australia, not only because I am an Indian, but also because I wanted somebody other than Australia lift that cup. But Inida won that match and everybody was happy. Thank God. Atleast somebody else would win it. :) (After the match Harsha Bhogle said "Atleast somebody else would lift it this time." (I think he really meant India, but didn't say it. :) )

Then came the historic match of India against Pakistan, history being India always winning such a match. India kept history. It was a day when my lost fanship came back because Inida got into the final. (Well it had come back a little after Inida's win against Australia, but I was never Euphoric, considering India's inconsistency after being praised by media.) Ayyo1 I forgot to mention that mail which my friend sent me befor the India-Aus match. It gave the reason why Inida would win that match. :) Well Indian team had "RAJNIKANTH" in it. Anybody who knows about Rajni jokes will understand this. :)  I was very happy that Inida won the match, (by that time the mail had tansformed form why win against Aussies to why win the world cup) confirming its seat in the final. :) But I still am against the euphoric media, which hailed the 29 run win as "storming into the final". My faith in Yuvraj had become strong by the time and I was sure that he can work magic at a sinking stage. Still I'm against the media, which unnecessarily gave publicity to that match, afterall its a cricket match. And as Inidans you definitely wanted your country to win, there's nothing else. (Media often makes contraversies and most often the private channels. They don't know how to keep decency in broadcasting. Good that they were banned in the finals. :) )

But the final was against SriLanka and they were really really a good team. [Even Pakistan was good, I was scared for Inida remembering about how they had wrapped the Windies for 112 runs to ensure the berth in the semi-finals and during the semi-final, I kept my breath till the last over, though there were celebrations during the last over when everybody knew that India was going to win the match.] So still doubting Inida's consistency I didn't dare to watch the match. SriLanka had chosen to bat first and Inida seemed to bowl weell in the begginning, but later when I saw the final score card, I was shocked. Oh My God! That was going to be 2003 again. :( I lost all hope, resolved to watch Shin-Chan instead of the WC (its not like I was watching it continuously). After Inida's batting began and I after I saw 11/1, I confirmed that  I should not expect anything and finally a bored me decide to take nath and get fresh and go for dinner. Like I became active Indian team too became active after that. I went to the lab, sat t here and browsed, looking at the score in between, when tha score was at 135 I felt relieved and then it was 150, then 223 something and 243,then 253, so I felt like "yes we still have a chance unless Inida messes up" and wrapped up my browsing and went to the room. I should not miss the momwent incase Inida won. :) India needed 17 runs out of 18 balls, I was praying, praying and praying, we should not lose after coming this far. DD was showing that only two teams had won the WC chasing a score, if Inida won ,it would be tghe 3rd. :) Finally it reduced to 11 ,then 7, then 5 and then Dhoni hit a six and came the moment. Inida won the WC after 28 years. Kapil's devils did it it in 1983, Dhoni's dudes did it again in 2011. I woke up my sleeping friend, sent sms to my mom, and friends and there started the night party. Well "RAJNIKANTH SAVED THE DAY! :) for Dhoni's naiyya thi Rajni ke bharose."

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Well SriLanka too played well, kept their calm, hats of to you Sangakara. :) You spoke well for your team.

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Finally Sachin has a WC to his cap, winning it in his home town :) , and Yuvi got MoS (as expected, he became raj from Yuvraj :) ) and Dhoni brought the WC home.I don't know whether anybody has noticed this: Inida got WCs with captains whose popularly known surnames start with "D". :) [Though Kapil Dev's original name is Kapil Dev Ramlal Nikhanj; he's known popularly as Kapil Dev. :) ] Each player gets 1crore bucks and coach and others get 50lakhs. :)

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For me the party was not a real party, it was an e-party. People sent sms as if it was a festival, every Inidan was congratulated, and each and everybody born after 1983 (including me) was happy to see such a thing happen during our life times. :) There followed the outburst of euphoria in facebook in the form of status updates, comments for those updates; one liking the others's updates and so on. One of my friends had written in his facebook "We want SriLanka in the finals." His wish came true. :)  I couldn't sleep till 2.00 (though it is my usual time ;) ) and was glued to FB listening to songs in my ipod. Whether it was because I was happy about Inida winning the WC or something else, I found all songs extremely lovely and peppy, and couldn't help grinning till I slept. :)

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After the euphoria, when I tried to steady my mind, I simulated the situation after football wc. But then corrected myself, its a wholly different affair, more global than cricket. I wondered about the people of other countries. This is nothing for them. Then suddenly I thought about the Japanese (for there was another reason too; I had watched 2012 on Friday; one nation is celebrating while the other is trying to rebuild itself and I felt guilty. I'm not blaming anything, but I really wished that those who won did something for that country (its not sympathy for Japan, but as a human I ought to do so) (afterall they are getting 1crore from the tax we payed :) ) as thanksgiving. It would be better than just being stupidly happy. :)  And more thouhgts came to my mind. Why was I so happy? I didn't play the wc, I just watched it, wished with all my heart for their victory and it happened. 


  Then I thought about the security people who worked hard to keep everybody safe (though they too are Indians who love cricket :))? I wished them all safety. Well this is the after effect of rational thinking , I suppose. :)

Still I won't lie that I'm genuinely happy and the reason for this post itself is my excitement (I was so excited this morning that I couldn't sleep even after deciding to sleep, my heart was bursting out to be poured out as words.) Aamir's tee shirt and Rajni's presence worked (it seemed that Rajni had come to know about that mail :) ) as well as every other Inidan's superstitions (including mine :) ). Congrats Inidans, we won! :) 

I wish India the same in all sports and all other fields in the coming days also. :) Proud to be an Indian. :) 


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PS : The final was in Mumabi, I was in Kolkata! I can't believe I was in Kolkata when India won the WC! :)

THE STORY OF MY LOVE - PART 2- THE TRANSITION

I hope nobody found the first part of the story drowsy (though it is an invalid hope :) ; well even I felt a little bored reading it; felt like I was washing old useless clothes. :) ) because it was extremely long. What I forgot to write in it is about the name he gave me. After hearing that I used to call one of my friends "Kuttoos" he Christianed me as Kuttoos and later re-Christianed me as Kuttoo! [Ot of craziness I had named one of my 16GB pendrives "Kuttoo" and I lost it. It was indication that I had lost him. ;)

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Now there comes a transition period of my life, I was going far away from my home and going to stay so far away from my home as I never had and the day to set out came.

There came your sms on the eve of my journey. "Kuttoo have you started packing?" And on my "J-day" u wished me good luck. I was going to the city of dreams. The city where people go to fulfil their dreams.Like Aisha of Wake up Sid said, I loved that city not only because it is that city; not only because my relatives were there; but also because I had some special person to share my experiences with. Though we were miles apart from each other, we used to connect everyday, talk everyday over the phone. I still remember our talks which would span for atleast an hour after I came home and before I took bath. You too were in a new place, (though it happened for him earlier than for me), u too were doing course work like me. But nothing else had changed. Those chats, conversations, gn sd ck sms... Nothing.

  I never used to call u after 23.00hrs. But on the day of my fresher's party, I returned by the later bus and we talked from 00.00hrs to 02.00hrs. I had never phoned anybody so late (still u remain the only person to whom I've ever talked so late on phone). We talked about our childhood, grandparents, books.... It was a memorable conversation. But all this time I had never complained that it was me who was always calling, I never did, because I've a post paid sim and I didn't want our conversation to be broken in between.

You used to tell many stories about urexperiences (sorry if I sound like the heroine of a sop serial) one about an incident when u walked alone to the beach to get alcohol illegally at midnight! ( I still doubt the authenticity of the story). Once u told me about how well he could sleep in his new hostel with open window and fan in full speed. Once about a paper u were trying to solve, but couldn't because the author had a term positive which u were obtaining as negative (the story goes like this after being unable to get the +ve term u wrote to the author and found out that you were right; finally proved ki tumhe maths aata hai).U used to tell about the new books u had bought, ueven told me that u had bought a book for me and would send it to me soon. (I spent one year waiting for those books which never came! Later I bought that book for myself and till today I was unable to proceed beyond a chapter. That book happens to be Catch 22.) When u had ur paper sent back from the correction committiee, u phoned me and asked me an assurance whether it would be published or not (the story ends with the paper being published after u told me off and I found out about it myself, because u never told me about its publication; no complaints). One day u called me and told me that he couldn't locate ur new Titan watch and ATM card. [I don't know whether u managed to find them or not.] One day you made a proclamation "Kuttoo I made a legendary shave today!"


Anyway these were only demonstrations for how we used to communicate, (or things u used to tell me) I won't use the word "got closer" because that will defy the truth that u didn't consider me as ur friend. One day I noticed my heart panicking while talking to u. Incidently we were talking about marriage and our respective mothers' attitudes abt it. U told "My mom wants me to get married to the girl she chooses. I have told her that she can find a girl and arrange and tell me on that day." [Well u are a "brave boy" who always told me that u never cared for what his parents did to him, he even complained that his mother cried on the day when she left him in hostel for higher studies. Yes u too had creid, but only very little.]

On that day I understood that I really liked U. I was scared to tell u directly for fear of losing you, so I sent u a coded message, telling "ITTIHSLU" = I Think That I Have Started Liking U. U understood the message. [I don't know whether U were expecting it or not.] I sent u two more coded sms, one of which ue decoded wrongly. Well code or decode, I still remember that night when I was standing on the window in my bedroom, in darkness,facing the distant overbridge lit up with sodium vapour lamps, wearing a blue frock which I liked vey much, with wind playing with my open hair. I was so happy and also confused and guilty that I was doing a wrong thing. I had even asked u abt that.

That was the second sms. "IDKWIDROW" = I Don't Know Whether I'm Doing Right Or Wrong. Ur answer. "There's nothing wrong with liking a person."

Why did you give that answer? After that you moght have told me many times, that you never liked me, that you never gave me false hopes? Weren't you giving me the biggest false hope when you told me that? You told me that you are also confused, but you were also applying reason as in reason. I was searching for a reason? Was it because we are still students? Or because we belong to two different cultures or languages? Or was it something else? But I had done the biggest mistake of my life. I had told him what I felt about him. And I was persistent in it. I'm sorry I ever persisited. I thought I had the right to do so. Had you openly given me a big "NO" with a valid reason, I would never have persisted.

But what did you do? You brought in a third person who happened to be my friend and I don't know whether you had prompted what she told me, but she told me terrible things no girl would ever like to hear in her life. I was reduced to the std of a characterless girl. And what did she say? That she was possessive abt you. Didn't I ask you whether  I had to step out? What did you say? There's nothing btw us. And you know what? A following chat with her made me very sad and I had to scold some of my friends for their supposed reactions about me! It made my relations with them strained. And when I told you about this, what did you say? That you became my friend because you happened to come to know about their comments about an "innocent girl" like me and was sympathetic about it and the person who had informed u abt this was the same friend of yours who happened to be with them making fun of me. Whom should I trust? You? Them? Her?

U used to reply all my smses because you were feeling sympathy towards me all the time. The people who had supposedly made fun of me were better than you. Atleast they didn't "make friends out of sympathy" and behave like you are a use and throw object.

What followed were hard days. Your sms reduced to mere gn and chats were short but we were still in our chatship. But the mental pain u gave me was driving me mad to the point that I would call you many times a day and you wouldn't pick them up, instead you labelled me as obsessed with you. It all started on Diwali of 2009, but still you talked to me on Feb14,2010.For what?

U had a new year resolution in ur mind that u would never talk to me. Why? Why couldn't u like me? U didn't have a girlfriend, or did U have? I don't know. But I gave U an idea that I would stop loving U if u proved that uhad a girl firend,[ because I'm not a girl who likes to snatch away other people's belongings]. After that u proved it. Now u have a gf. But all this time I was being broken, smothered, humiliated, and I don't know what else. I almost went mad, to the point that I started thinking about hurting myself (which I'll never do, because it will cause inconvenience to people around me). I used to cry silently at nights, used to stay awake till 02.00, waiting for a chance to hear ur voice.

Do I sound like a person without self respect? Because what u put forward as excuses for hating me {ur masterpieces being "I used to care; but now I don't"} were :
1) I didn't have self respect,
2) I was interseted in nothing but gossip,
3) I had nothing better to do than to dwell upon love affair!

I forgot one thing. By this time u had blocked me on facebook, orkut and buzz. But you never stopped following my blog. Again lame excuse "Joining a blog is a way to express friendship." Which friendship? The one you broke? Like one of my friends said, u could hit sixers, I couldn't hit even a single.

I don't know how people transform like this? Each and every day starting from Diwali day of 2009 top this moment has been painful. I don't know how I'm managing to laugh and live. Now I'm sure U really have a gf. U had told me abt her earlier but I didn't believe. You told me to think abt how she felt while I was "torturing you" and that she is unhappy abt it. Why should I be the person who should be considerate? Didn't I have pain? Was I happy about all those?

  And even in that you lied to me. Were you afraid of me? You said one girl's name and it turned out to be another girl I had thought. Why would I disrupt anybody's life eventhough he had hurt me a lot? I don't know what lies you might have told her to acquire her. Probably u might have used our strained relation as a catalyst to acquire her sympathy and love; u might have told her that I was a cruel villain trying to destroy ur happiness and torturing u a lot. Fine. I don't complain. I don't have to show my self respect in front of anybody to get loved, nor do I want to use tricks to make somebody love me.Why I'm so sad is because u never told me the truth. U never showed me the courage to tell the truth one on one to me fearing (that is the excuse (again) u gave me) that I would be sad.

Am I not sad now? Yes of course I'm sad now. U wanted "stepping out gracefully", but I fought for a lost love till I could, with you. I'm leaving it behind at this point, because the tube light in my head has started glowing. I was always blind, it was me who had always loved, not you. You never loved me, u don't nor will u. You considered me as your puppet which u thought wouldn't complain if u threw away after playing with it. But the puppet was a live girl of flesh and blood. U didn't understand me. Otherwise U would never have called me as a person without self respect.

Well now U r happy, I'm sad, but life goes on. Probably I'll laugh over this after ten years. I wish I could laugh over this just now. I can't be sad all the time. Not because it  is mentally exhausting, but it is physically exhausting in that it makes you cry, which in turn makes your eyelids swell and catch headache along with cold, though shedding tears means flowing lots of lysozyme and disinfecting your eyes ( I think my eye infection has reduced considerably after crying on Sat and Sun nights). I don't want to take revenge upon anybody, nor do I want to complain anybody, love is not something you acquire by force, nor is it worth acquiring from a person who lied/lies/will lie to you all the time.

I'm so fed up of love that I've decided to spend my life as a spinster, thanks to you. Also it taught me the lesson that no matter how true you stay to a love, it will never happen over the cyberspace. Love always needs presence. I wished for ur presence; that was the fault I made. U need the presence of ur love. That's why u fly home every month; to meet her. But the most important lesson it gave me is this:

Heart definitely breaks. But it can always be recast; like broken glass. In the same mold. :)

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THE STORY OF MY LOVE - PART 1- THE BEGINNING

I don't know whether it will seem awkward to write my love story on my blog at this point of time or whether it will drive away my possible suitors in future, for it is the story of a broken love. So broken that I couldn't help sharing it with others. It may  or may not seem pathetic, but there were some good parts in it.
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Well this is the story of two young people who have never met each other directly except once in their lives till now. It is highly improbable that they will meet again in their lives. Then how come this love story happened? It happened because there is gmail, orkut, bsnl and vodafone. This story proves that two people don't have to be physically present in each other's lives to be friends and also that love will never happen over cyberspace/electronic space no matter how close you were over there, I mean mentally close; because you will never know whether the other person was lying to you or not. I'm not going to bore you with my findings, I'll go to the story directly.
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I don't know why on earth I started chatting with you, u were a friend of my friend and I knew somehow that u existed and where u studied. I found u on Orkut and started chatting with u 9still I don't know why I committed that foolishness). I would never have proceeded with the chatting had u not responded to it. You too started chatting with me. The first thing u told me (as I remember now) was about your love and jealousy of numbers. Though u r a Physics student u love Maths a lot. Then it went on for quite sometime. On that day I was happy that I had got a new friend.

This was in May 2009. There after we used to meet every afternoon on gmail chat, for it was my project time and ur course work was sort of over and both of us sort of had free time. I still remember that I used to chat with u till 5 or 6 in the evening when my friend had to call me and take me to hostel (which was the reverse of what I had to do with him before I started my chatship with you).

We used to chat about every thing under the sun, every creative thing, films,blogs,books, writing, language and I don't know what else. One thing which we both shared was passion for reading and writing. [I remember u telling how "The selfish gene" had changed ur thoughts after reading it. You used to encourage me to write blogs and soon after becoming friends, u started following my blogs, the crazy part is that he became a follower of my Malayalam blog! How can a person who doesn't know Malayalam be its follower? TO return the favour I followed ur blog in ur mother tounge. It was a good period for me, one of the most creative ones, as far as writing is concerned. When I wrote my experience about a trip I had when I was 14,u told me to say hello to that little girl.

    Then one day I asked ur phone number,for typing ocassionally became boring. You could have denied, but you gave it to me. After chatting all afternoon, we started sending good night messages to each other every night. Not one not two, atleast ten a day. I used to call it, "continuation of communication". The first sms I sent you was a forwarded sms about application for the post of friendship giving its terms, and you replied (to my surprise) that you were willing to take up the job! I had the habit of giving cks to all my dear friends (to dear friends only) and when u understood the meaning of that k, u started making new ks! One example is as follows:
1) Gn sd ck
2) gntoutook
3)howdidyoulearnthisk?
4)learntonlyfromuk
5)ulearnfastk

Though the dialogue is not exactly same as it was (I don't have the reference because I deleted all ur sms which added up to some 1000 after we had a fight), 4) is exactly what u said.

This series of ks went on for many many days which turned into weeks, during which u had changed ur institute. U didn't have a new number after changing the insti and since ur phone was on roaming, u called me from ur Father's mobile on the day u arrived at the new insti. Ue told me about the joureny, how u were fined for smoking on the train (yes u happened to be an excessive smoker, I don't know ur status now, probably u might have quit smoking, like u shaved after ur new gf prompted u). U used to update everything u used to do in the insti. When u got a new sim, u smsed me, "Guess who?"

 When I got selected for my PhD, (that was before u changed ur insti) I had to finish my project faster and one day after almost two trials of solving a 13 page derivation, I broke up. Then u told me "you have to finish this". I forgot. On the day on which I got my call for PhD, u told me "I've never heard a happier news in my life!" U seemed to be genuinely happy.

By this time we had started to talk over the phone too, the duration spanning for hours. Though I couldn't make out anything which u used to say at first, I slowly got adapted to ur fast speech. [But I was the fool who always used to call u. You never called me.]

One day suddenly, I was very sad, very very sad. The reason being this: I had a feeling that I had started to like u more. Not just as a friend. But as something more. You was like an angel for me(even though now you are like a demon). I found myself struggling to keep myself from starting to love you. That was the day when I first cried to you over the phone, lying to him that I had a lot of work to finish and I was unable to do that.

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The only fault I did was to love you or tell you that I loved you.[Had I kept quiet I would never have lost one of my good friends.] Not only because it made us lose that "great something between us" (as he called it) but it made me deeply sad, to the point that I started thinking about hurting myself.

This much for now. Rest will come later.
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The story of an application form

Once there was a CSIR application form printed somewhere I don't know, came to the branch of Indian Bank in Fort, Mumbai, and was bought by a Malayali girl, accompanied by her friend from Karnataka. The form flew from Mumbai to Kolkata and was filled there, with examination centre and mailing address in Chennai and permanent address in Kerala. It is now flying back to Mumbai with her friend from Tamil Nadu and will be posted from Mumbai to Delhi. :) Hui naa puri Indian? ;)

PS: Q) What is the relation between Dominos pizza and Alappuzha?
         Ans) The seasoning and chilli flakes one gets with the pizza are manufactured in Alappuzha, Kerala.

PPS : The Malayali who discovered this was happy because it happened when she was far away from her home, in Kolkata. :) 

Flowers and butterflies

Some people are like that only.
They can be sweet when they want something.
They can "love" when they want something.
They can be nice according to their needs.

Afterwards? Aahhhh.
You should not ask for the reason,
Why your heart was broken,
Why you were made fun of,
Why you were left alone.

Nor should you ask why,
You were not told the truth earlier.
Because, "flower" and "butterfly"
Are special, divine and serene.
Who are you? Nobody.
You've to be the typical
Cliched lovable cute "insect",
To experience the "divine love"
Of your dear "flower",
Which you are not.

"Love can't be taken by force"
But hearts can be broken by force.
Especially if you are a divine "flower". :-x
And if you complain ur heart is broken,
You'll become a person of no self respect,
A fool who still loves the person who broke your heart.
All you have to do is to "step out gracefully"
And "go far away from your "flower's life"".
Only then will you become the epitome,
Of true love and endurance,
If you fight back your tears and say,
"I won't leave you at any cost",
You become a fool or a shameless person
Who tries to "cling" to the "petals of your flower".
Why? Because the mob says so.
And it happens that your dearest flower
Is also a part of that ordinary mob.
But you still love it.

(You see statistics tells you that most the peak is at the "you should step out gracefully" point. Since you are not going to do so, you are an outlier.)