I'm the eternal fool,
To believe that there is happiness
In this world for me...
To hope that I will be acknowledged
As what I wish to be...
To believe that there's loveIn this world for me.
To believe in kindness,
To believe in trust.
And oh! Just to believe...
My place in this world is nowhere, because I am a woman and my skin is dark.
In one sentence this is what I feel. No this is not my delusion, but the hard fact. Whether I choose to pretend that it is not so or whether I choose to be aware of it, it is there. The people of the world are making me feel so over and over, again and again.
Sometimes it makes me wonder, if there is no place for me in this world, why live? People will say fight for your place, fight and win. But it is always easier said than done. I've been fighting against the many odds in my life till now, I am tired - physically and mentally. Physically I am not getting any younger. Whether I like it or not, my body will fall one day. And I am tired mentally too. Why is it that for everything I want to have in my life I have to fight fight and fight when many other people have everything served on a golden plate without any difficulty? It is unfair that I need to fight against the societal norms to have a career of my own choice and then to fight against prejudice towards me in my chosen career. (And yeah I don't see a future in my chosen career because of the cycle of "you don't have enough achievements so we cannot offer you anything - you have no offer so you cannot achieve anything" scenario.) There is gender based discrimination and then there is race based discrimination. Both can be subtle to not so subtle. In some cases I end up wondering if the discrimination I am facing is based both on sexism and racism.
I cannot pretend that the instances of casual and not so casual racism did not happen in 21st century when the world is supposedly "modern". Each time I experienced the subtle and not so subtle forms of racism I felt mentally sick - starting with withdrawing from people. How do I know that the next person I meet is not going to racially abuse me either verbally or with their passive and/or aggressive actions? (I googled if racism can cause mental health issues and it can. Here is the link to an article if someone wants to read: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/racism-and-mental-health.htm . Also a note to people who are in denial that castesim does not exist in the modern world. It does. ) It also makes you trust people less often and question whether the ideals of modern world really exist or not. Even when modern people throw around words like "diversity and inclusion" all the time, as a person from a diverse/minority background you will soon find out whether you are truly included or not.
Nobody wants to be treated badly. Even if I live in a part of the world where I may not have to experience racism, I still have to fight for my rights. I have it better than many other women of colour. But even then I have to fight hard to have what I have. The fight will be harder as you descend the ladder of socio-economic standards. It is not fair in the first place that the world has an imbalance of wealth in it. And even within that imbalance, women of colour have it harder. When someone is even denied the right to education based on gender, the same education which can enable them get enough skills to earn reasonably well and have atleast some sort of financial independence, it becomes even more unfair.
Then the same old problem of devaluing a woman based on the presence or absence of a "man" in her life. According to some stupid people, even if a woman is highly educated, independent and can live on her own, she has no "value" if she is single. Such an irony that we live in a "modern world" but our ideas about life are still stuck in a millennium in the past. In every corner of the world, even in the modern society, patriarchy makes the decisions for a woman's body, love, life, career, food, shelter and even medical procedures a woman needs. Which makes me extremely frustrated. I have lost even the faintest amount of trust I had in this world. All I experience is the unfairness which makes you immediately cry but also raises the question why? Why does the world think that it can control me? Silently chuck me out of my career? Control my fashion, my food, my medical needs? Force me into selling my body to someone I may not love? Or even force me to have someone in life when I do not want anyone? Does the world think that if it does so, it will gain free labour, a human it can stalk, torture for pleasure, abuse and murder in the end? And if, that is not enough cook and eat?
These are the woes of just one me. The world has billions of people like me with many worries.
What is my place in this world which has people with pain as well those who inflict pain?
What is my place in this world where I have to remind myself that higher living standards, education or being rich does not entail that a person is not racist, sexist or a "discriminator"?
What is my place in this world where I am always a suspect because of my skin colour?
What is my place in this world where a woman of my skin colour is always treated like a slave by people who don't even have as much life experiences as me?
What is my place in this world where I have to "restrict" my freedom to travel (especially at night) or my freedom of using the internet because of safety concerns (when those causing safety hazards to me and others like me are allowed to roam freely by the system?)
What is my place in this world where I have to constantly worry for my life - survival and a financially independent means of survival?
What is my place in this world which tells me that I cannot live unless I sign up for domestic abuse, mental trauma and constant stress?
We all know what happens when one falls into the trap of signing up for domestic abuse - instant harm to life! Even when a woman escapes all these traps she is ultimately forced to end her own life because the society denies the right to have a dignified life.
I know that ultimately I have no place in this world because I am always having to waste my time fighting unnecessary hurdles which the world does not place in front of people belonging to privileged groups. And even if I manage to overcome the hurdles and start doing things, it is never good enough. Too much fighting for my rights which I should be getting without having to fight, leaves me exhausted mentally and physically. When you face hardship after hardship, discrimination after discrimination, it triggers that immediate feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Especially when it feels like you are being denied your chances in life because of your gender and race. (Now imagine what would a person from an even more minority group may face.) We all know that kindness matters. But that is one thing we refuse to give someone who needs it the most too.
We all start our lives thinking that our dreams and aspirations will come true and we will have a peaceful and pleasant life. But the reality is that a peaceful and pleasant life is possible only for a select few. The reality is that the count down has started for me. Why walk on egg shells and thorns with no hope of reaching where I want to? Might as well end the journey forever in a world where I have no place.
Disclaimer: Those who have not watched "Multiverse of Madness" should read this only after watching it.
So I watched Multiverse of Madness after much anticipation. Marvel kept on reminding me when my collaboration meeting date was, since the movie was releasing on May 6th and I was traveling exactly on that day. Had I been in my city, I would have gone the next day to watch it. But because of the collaboration meeting and a plan that others would also come watch it, I waited impatiently for one more week. Then on the next Saturday I went to watch it. My company didn't seem to like or understand the context of the movie. Obviously one need to have watched Wanda Vision, What If , Loki and Spider-man No Way Home to understand a lot of things in this movie. ☺
What this movie experience made me realise is that - never wait out of courtsey for someone who offers to come to a movie with you if you really want to watch a movie. The chances are that they might not like the movie and you may end up feeling unnecessarily guilty and also feel bad that you didn't watch it when you wanted to which is the next day of release! You should just go and watch a movie when you want to watch it. Most importantly I realised that there is a difference when I go to watch a movie alone vs with someone.
When I go to movies alone, it is just out of love for cinema. There is nothing like going for a movie, buying caramel popcorn and sitting with a hall full (or half full in 2021) of strangers who also feel the same emotion as you. Though you are strangers there is an invisible thread of fandom or love of cinema connecting you and it feels good.
Anyway this is not the main point of this post. Those who have watched the movie already know the story that Wanda is trying to bring "her" children from another universe and she needs powers to travel across universes. Dr.Strange is trying to protect America Chavez, whose powers Wanda wants to take for herself. Dr. Strange and America Chavez travel through the multiverse and reach Earth 838 where Dr. Strange meets another Christine. There are two tear jerking moments in this movie. One is when Dr.Strange (our Dr.Strange from Earth 616) tells this Christine "I love you in every universe". The other one is when Wanda is taken into another universe by America Chavez, where the children of that Wanda are terrified of our Wanda (in Scarlett Witch form).
Desire is the essence of these two scenes - desire and its consequences. Wanda desires to be with her children. So she thinks that she could use magic and get them from any other universe, despite the fact that those children may be living happily with another Wanda. Though it is also a version of Wanda in another universe it is not the same person with the same life, but a different variant with a different life permutation. Likewise, Dr. Strange and Christine never end up together in any universe despite loving each other at some point in time. The reasons may be different in different universes, but they never get be together in any universe. Dr. Strange desires to be with her in every universe but he cannot. In this movie the book called Dark Hold corrupts both Wanda's and Dr. Strange's variants because they badly want something and would have it at any cost.
These two scenes put a thought in my mind. Suppose the multiverse is real and in every universe in that multiverse a version of me exists. Would their lives be similar to mine? Would they all be physicists? Or would some of them never became a physicist but became a dancer, writer, photographer, an actor, a super model? (Yup all those things I couldn't become in this life on Earth.) Or nothing at all? (Wait! I am assuming that the social laws of that universe is similar to ours. But what if it was an equal world, where my variant did not have to struggle for anything because of being a woman?) Say in one universe there exists a version of me who has everything she desires. And may be in another there exists one who does not have anything which she desires. (Ah! That's me!!) And in some those who have somethings but not other things they desire.
And then another question - what if I were to travel the multiverse somehow hoping to find the people I want in my life like Wanda did. Even if I found those people and brought them to my life in this universe, they would never be the same people as in this universe except for their appearance. Like how our Dr. Strange met Christine of Earth 838. Though they understand each other on a certain level, they are not each other's Dr. Strange or Christine. And if our Strange likes her and vice versa, it is still equivalent to two new people liking each other. Even though you may look alike in a multiverse you are different people. Even if you meet your own variant, like both Wanda and Dr. Strange do, even they are not the same people as you. So if I meet a variant of me from another universe who is a physicist, I am still not the same as that person. She may have more publications than me, may not be someone who is not considered "not good enough" no matter what she does, is not conveniently removed from things, may have a lot of freedom to do what she likes, may not be bullied around for life choices and so on. Though she may look like me, she will never be me. I may not understand that me and she may not understand me though we may be variants of each other. My reality is mine only and no matter what versions of me exist across the multiverse, none of them are really me though there may be similarities.
Similarly if I were to find a variant of someone I really love, in the multiverse, it will always be a different person than the one I love in this universe. (What Wanda forgot in this movie is precisely this. Though "her"
children from another universe might look like her own lost children,
they were not the same and they would not love her as they would love
their own mother Wanda.) This movie also reminded me of cloning. Say you wish a clone of someone whom you really love, exists, the clone is still another person and not the one you love. The clone can have a different personality than the original one. So would you really be loving the same person when you love a clone?
One thing which this movie reminds you is - you cannot have everything you desire. No matter how powerful you are; no matter how much earnestly you desire for it; no matter how much it pains you and rips you apart that your desire is not fulfilled. Ultimately you have to let go. Like I've been letting go for all these years and years to come if I am alive...
Don't get too close,
Or you'll be bored
Once you see through it all
It's not cool anymore...
Stay at the periphery
There is a boundary.
Keep 'em all away
That's the better way...
Buckle up, inhale deep
Hide the tears and smile
Hold your head high...
It will be a trudge,
But do not budge...
From the determination.
So walk alone and expect none
'Coz everyone always breaks expectations...
