My place in this world is nowhere, because I am a woman and my skin is dark.
In one sentence this is what I feel. No this is not my delusion, but the hard fact. Whether I choose to pretend that it is not so or whether I choose to be aware of it, it is there. The people of the world are making me feel so over and over, again and again.
Sometimes it makes me wonder, if there is no place for me in this world, why live? People will say fight for your place, fight and win. But it is always easier said than done. I've been fighting against the many odds in my life till now, I am tired - physically and mentally. Physically I am not getting any younger. Whether I like it or not, my body will fall one day. And I am tired mentally too. Why is it that for everything I want to have in my life I have to fight fight and fight when many other people have everything served on a golden plate without any difficulty? It is unfair that I need to fight against the societal norms to have a career of my own choice and then to fight against prejudice towards me in my chosen career. (And yeah I don't see a future in my chosen career because of the cycle of "you don't have enough achievements so we cannot offer you anything - you have no offer so you cannot achieve anything" scenario.) There is gender based discrimination and then there is race based discrimination. Both can be subtle to not so subtle. In some cases I end up wondering if the discrimination I am facing is based both on sexism and racism.
I cannot pretend that the instances of casual and not so casual racism did not happen in 21st century when the world is supposedly "modern". Each time I experienced the subtle and not so subtle forms of racism I felt mentally sick - starting with withdrawing from people. How do I know that the next person I meet is not going to racially abuse me either verbally or with their passive and/or aggressive actions? (I googled if racism can cause mental health issues and it can. Here is the link to an article if someone wants to read: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/racism-and-mental-health.htm . Also a note to people who are in denial that castesim does not exist in the modern world. It does. ) It also makes you trust people less often and question whether the ideals of modern world really exist or not. Even when modern people throw around words like "diversity and inclusion" all the time, as a person from a diverse/minority background you will soon find out whether you are truly included or not.
Nobody wants to be treated badly. Even if I live in a part of the world where I may not have to experience racism, I still have to fight for my rights. I have it better than many other women of colour. But even then I have to fight hard to have what I have. The fight will be harder as you descend the ladder of socio-economic standards. It is not fair in the first place that the world has an imbalance of wealth in it. And even within that imbalance, women of colour have it harder. When someone is even denied the right to education based on gender, the same education which can enable them get enough skills to earn reasonably well and have atleast some sort of financial independence, it becomes even more unfair.
Then the same old problem of devaluing a woman based on the presence or absence of a "man" in her life. According to some stupid people, even if a woman is highly educated, independent and can live on her own, she has no "value" if she is single. Such an irony that we live in a "modern world" but our ideas about life are still stuck in a millennium in the past. In every corner of the world, even in the modern society, patriarchy makes the decisions for a woman's body, love, life, career, food, shelter and even medical procedures a woman needs. Which makes me extremely frustrated. I have lost even the faintest amount of trust I had in this world. All I experience is the unfairness which makes you immediately cry but also raises the question why? Why does the world think that it can control me? Silently chuck me out of my career? Control my fashion, my food, my medical needs? Force me into selling my body to someone I may not love? Or even force me to have someone in life when I do not want anyone? Does the world think that if it does so, it will gain free labour, a human it can stalk, torture for pleasure, abuse and murder in the end? And if, that is not enough cook and eat?
These are the woes of just one me. The world has billions of people like me with many worries.
What is my place in this world which has people with pain as well those who inflict pain?
What is my place in this world where I have to remind myself that higher living standards, education or being rich does not entail that a person is not racist, sexist or a "discriminator"?
What is my place in this world where I am always a suspect because of my skin colour?
What is my place in this world where a woman of my skin colour is always treated like a slave by people who don't even have as much life experiences as me?
What is my place in this world where I have to "restrict" my freedom to travel (especially at night) or my freedom of using the internet because of safety concerns (when those causing safety hazards to me and others like me are allowed to roam freely by the system?)
What is my place in this world where I have to constantly worry for my life - survival and a financially independent means of survival?
What is my place in this world which tells me that I cannot live unless I sign up for domestic abuse, mental trauma and constant stress?
We all know what happens when one falls into the trap of signing up for domestic abuse - instant harm to life! Even when a woman escapes all these traps she is ultimately forced to end her own life because the society denies the right to have a dignified life.
I know that ultimately I have no place in this world because I am always having to waste my time fighting unnecessary hurdles which the world does not place in front of people belonging to privileged groups. And even if I manage to overcome the hurdles and start doing things, it is never good enough. Too much fighting for my rights which I should be getting without having to fight, leaves me exhausted mentally and physically. When you face hardship after hardship, discrimination after discrimination, it triggers that immediate feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Especially when it feels like you are being denied your chances in life because of your gender and race. (Now imagine what would a person from an even more minority group may face.) We all know that kindness matters. But that is one thing we refuse to give someone who needs it the most too.
We all start our lives thinking that our dreams and aspirations will come true and we will have a peaceful and pleasant life. But the reality is that a peaceful and pleasant life is possible only for a select few. The reality is that the count down has started for me. Why walk on egg shells and thorns with no hope of reaching where I want to? Might as well end the journey forever in a world where I have no place.
