Disclaimer: This post may sound a bit incoherent.
*---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*
I am actually having to voice my thoughts on this subject because I have been told that I sound very negative when I talk about my life to my friends or whomsoever I am talking to and that it is affecting the mood of the listener. First of all, I usually do not talk about my life's problems to anyone these days because post covid and an invasion, the world is upside down and there are too many problems in everyone's lives already. My life is also affected because of what has been happening in the world - ofcourse I live on this planet after all. I am occasionally forced to tell about my life to someone because something happens which makes me fear for my life and personal safety. So when a millenial, living in a world battered by whatever we have been going through for the past 3 years, shares her life situation once in a blue moon to someone, she gets to hear that she is full of negativity.
Hmm... I am not going to apologise to anyone for sounding "negative". Because the mental state I am in right now is "numb". I am not even seeking any advice or suggestion from people, but I am just telling people about what I have been dealing alone for quite a long time. It is only when traumatising situations arise that I decide to share those things to others. All I want is for someone is to listen to me without any judgement. It doesn't matter even if they don't say anything in return. But there is always some "advice" - "be positive", "have a pleasant mind", "do creative things", "ignore" etc.
My question to such people is that why do you feel the need to preach this positivity ideology to someone? Yes we all like it when everyone is happy. We like happiness and pleasantness so much that we feel a natural aversion to painful facts. Like the fact that women are not safe anywhere. That a pandemic and wars can put women and other marginalised groups in life threatening situations. What the positivity people usually tend to forget is that "being positive" is not going to solve the problems of these women and other marginal groups. The irony is when women themselves refuse to look at the truth that systemic failures are causing most of the problems in their lives. No, "being positive" is not going to help then.
I am not saying that one should always be aware of issues and be trying to solve all problems. We are humans and our minds get tired all the time from a lot of experiences. We all want happiness - actually peace more than happiness, being happy or at peace all the time is not possible for a human being. There are times when we feel sad and need to cry. When we have to cry we should cry, when we feel angry about something we need to acknowledge it. Even jealousy or envy should be acknowledged. Sometimes a lot of things may evoke multiple emotions inside our mind and it is perfectly ok to feel so. Denying those and telling oneself "be happy/positive" is not going to help at any time. There is an animated movie which explains some of these things in simple terms - "Inside Out". People should really watch this movie for starters.
I personally believe that eternal positivity can be toxic. Had generations of people "been positive" all the time, regarding their bad life situations created by oppression of all forms, then revolutions, freedom fights, movements for rights etc would not have happened. Such things only happened because people realised that something is wrong with the system/society they lived in, acknowledged emotions other than happiness, got uncomfortable and demanded and worked towards change. Reforms were not brought by people who self talked themselves into "being positive" but by people who probably got sad, angry and frustrated about their lives and their living environment.
*--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*
What prompted me to write all these is the fact that recently I was told that I have been sounding negative and unlike me. What sounds as negativity to others, is a reflection of the sum total of experiences I have had over the past year, like the following:
1) Since the beginning of 2022, I have been applying for new positions and have been rejected continuously. Repeated career rejection takes a toll on you. (If it is love you can probably reason that it is because it also involves another human being and move on.) But what is the justification for being rejected from job applications when all you have done for the past 15 years is work hard hoping that you will one day get a permanent job in academia? All these rejections are coming after I worked hard for three years on something. That makes it even harder. Had I not worked and idled away my time, I would not have felt this bad. Now I cannot tell if I am being rejected because I am a bad researcher or if it is because of my gender and race. Also I faced racism while travelling and face what I feel is sexism at times in some areas of work. No, you cannot tell someone who has experienced racism or castism to be positive, because all those things are deeply hurting one's dignity as a human being.
2) Discrimination based on gender. This needs no further explanation - because it is a given if you are a woman of colour. At work you don't get new opportunities because you are a woman who is too old and at home you are abused by parents are relatives because you are single by choice and want to live life the way you want it! The system which is supposed to support you does not support you but instead discriminates against you so much to the point that there is no livelihood; you are forced to live in your parent's house because nobody will lease an apartment to single women in your country restricting your opportunity to escape domestic violence; if you are single, your parents will hit you for being single (and "too old"). If you call an emergency number when in distress about the physical violence and mental torture you are facing, then the person on the other side preaches about marriage to you! This is a sad reality which I (and probably many other people) am facing.
3) I, a person who is trying to heal herself from her academic rejection induced wounds, am having to deal with the new wounds inflicted in the name of marriage by a patriarchal system! Patriarchy manifests as sexism in my career and as abusive relatives at home. Sure I can go to a doctor and get mental health support, but is that alone going to solve the problem that the system and society are hurting me? Will it change the fact that the society/system which is supposed to support its citizens and treat them fairly is not doing so? How can I "be positive" when I am trying to find a solution to my permanent livelihood problem, plus deal with the extra abuse inflicted on me for my life choices to the extend that I am physically attacked and injured?
These may seem like champagne problems but this is my reality. For many people looking at me I may seem like someone with a lot of privilage. Yes I have achieved some things in life compared to others. But that itself involved a lot of untold battles with abuse and trauma for years. Also, we cannot stay where we are and just reminisce about our past achievements all the time. We all need to move forward in life. When the one thing you have worked so hard for, most of your life refuses to acknowledge you and give you opportunities to move forward - especially a livelihood, you are forced to return to an abusive environment which you went away from. How can you "be positive" when this is the reality of your life?
This is not even the situations in your teens or 20s that you had a crush who rejected you resulting in you crying for weeks (see even then you have to cry and acknowledge the pain), got over that person and magically bounced back. This is the situation years later when you have had more life experiences and have acquired a certain maturity with which you view life pragmatically. And because you are an educated older millenial living in the 21st century, you can identify problematic behaviours and ideologies you when you experience it. No, the problems you are facing are not because you haven't worked hard enough (which like positivity is another lie fed to you). It is because most of the time the system does not work for its citizens and disappointingly evils like racism and castism which existed centuries ago still do exist in the modern world.
The natural reaction for these may not always be "hope" and "being positive". Because sitting around just hoping and refusing to face uncomfortable realities are not going to improve your or anybody else's life situation.
True, me just being aware of the fact that the number of Indian women in the work force is falling, is not going to bring any change. But the reality that work force is refusing women opportunities for employment is something which also affects me. I cannot be held guilty for having goals and ambitions. But the system has to work to create equal opportunities for me, who is a woman of colour. Otherwise I will have to believe that all the talk about gender equality, diversity and inclusion are phony (which will again sound negative to positivity believers).
*----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*
PS: Probably people who believe in this "be positive" mantra are afraid of addressing their own trauma or demons. Once in a while it may be good to take off the positivity mask and acknowledge your true emotions.
