Signatures

At first I thought that I won't write it and just savor this experience myself only. But then I felt that I should share it. Let me urge you all to watch the movie "How old are you?". I will not say anything about the story of the movie or what questions it poses, because it should be watched and experienced oneself. There are many questions asked very well and will make you retrospect and contemplate. But the feelings and thoughts the movie leaves in you are strong and pleasant. You can call it inspirational in all respects.

   Special hats off to the actress who followed her dream and decided to come back and do what she is the best at (and mind you she is very good at it :) ) and gave a smart punch on the face everybody who is clinging to cliches. This is not a movie to be  watched, savoured and forgotten, but really to be thought off and applied in our own lives. Don't miss this movie of all. It is worth watching and remembering. :)  

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Sometimes, you take your life for granted and live it without leaving anything to make people remember you for ever. And even if you have dreams, you always let them go for the "obvious things" in your life. This is for girls mainly, where they are taught that all their dreams should converge in love or in a happily married ever after. Either they should sacrifice their dreams for somebody else, or they should use their dreams as a means to find somebody. It is not for them that they should dream, they are often told and reminded, their dreams are just means to find them an eligible life partner. A partner who will "take care of them" for the rest of their lives. But what happens in that "happily ever after?"  The woman has to give up her dreams, is forced to live according to somebody else's standards and if she protests, she is called disobedient. 

  

     Is a woman designed to be a love-sex-motherhood-taking care of all-has no rights of her own machine? Isn't even the most educated woman in our society treated with the least amount respect in her own family? How many of you have heard that you have no value if you cross 25? That you will not be married by anybody if you are above 25? That you won't get a handsome husband if you are not married by 25? That the chances of "settling" in your life becomes rare because you are highly educated? But who wants to "settle" and be forgotten for ever? Infact the word "settle" is the worst word I have ever heard in my life. In life you cannot settle. You will settle only if you have no dreams. Only if you take your life for granted and think that food-shelter-salary-husband-children-family will bring you happiness in life. A paid job (only for those lucky women who even have a job) and a "loving family" only cannot satisfy yourself in your life. Because you are ultimately a human being.

      

      And I don't have to explain in too many words about the celebrated human species. Then why is it that all those exotic attributes of humanity can't be yours? Just because you are a woman? A woman has to fall into the monotony of all those prejudices and cliches the moment she crosses 15? Forgive me if 15 seems to be too high. May be I should say from the moment she is born or is a zygote. Everybody "advises" you not to do this, not to do that, because it will affect your prospects of having a happy married life. After long years of marriage, the husband starts despising his loving and caring wife who stopped her own life and moved in to some shadows, because he gets bored of her. Same in love. Why? Is it because you have made any mistake in loving them? Or because you have not given enough love and care to them? No it is not because of that. It is because you have stopped standing up for yourself, hoping to be taken care of. It doesn't matter who you are and where you have to stand up for yourself. You have to do it wherever you are supposed to. Not for anybody else, but for you. 

        And when you do that, the whole world will respect you. Including this selfish husband-lover-family who takes you for granted. You are not somebody who has to be lowered to the standards of a servant. Do you have to be? Think about it. What were your dreams when you were young? Do you have a passion? Do you miss it, if you have let go of it for the cliched things in your life? Do you feel that you were not brave enough to take them up and follow it? Do you miss being you? If so, then you have to bring it all back. You are not living a colourful life now. It is like an old dilapidated mansion. Either you renew it and break it and build a strong new one. Otherwise one day or the other it is going to collapse and no one will help you.

     There is something which I have to mention about the movie here. The protagonist retorts with a strong video on facebook to the funny jokes which were spread about her. But she makes a point about her being known as the President's guest and not some self proclaimed show of on facebook. Most of the time, you get disheartened when people make fun of you about doing something stupid in some great situation, but don't realise that none of these people who make fun of you did not have that opportunity at all. It doesn't matter even if you have behaved stupidly, but the point is to get up from there and move on and make a statement with your actions. 

     For that you have to dust your old dreams or that spirit which used to define you, which made others look at you with envy or awe and respect you. There is no point giving up your dreams for something else in your life and regretting it later on. And if you regret it, you should take some immediate action and do not live in hell for ever. Because you have only one life as you and to be known as you. You don't have to go to the end of universe to become achieve something in life. Doing something which you like and living life in your own terms will do. Glitz, glamour and love do not bring that satisfaction. Money cannot buy it. In fact like you earn it. Through your efforts and makes you feel good. 

     The movie reminded me of many women around me. Including myself. I can write about women including my mother, and some of my teachers whom in many ways I respect. But to write something which is known very well to me, I think I'll write about myself. This is not some self propaganda or boasting (please forgive me if I sound like that ).  But these are the experiences of a girl who wants to leave a mark and has been struggling for years since she set that goal. Probably all of you have such experiences. My birthday is after five days. I am nearing the  end of my tweens and have been told that I should  get married and "settle". I am being viewed as a freak by many people. Every time I meet some old friend or chat with someone, they ask "what about your marriage", "when are you getting married", "if you don't get married soon and enjoy your life now there is no point living it" and so on! People view me as a freak. My parents are worried about me. My relatives are concerned about me. 99% of my old classmates/ friends are married and have kids. I am the freak who made the "mistake" of following HER dream. What is that dream? The dream of being a scientist. 

      I knew exactly what to become when I was in school. I had no clear idea what to become till I was eight years old and that was the year in which I read about solar system for the first time. (At that time there were nine planets in the solar system. :) ) I fell in love with it. (I remember once, the director of CERN coming to our lab and asking "why did you choose science"? I wanted to tell the story about solar system, but didn't say it for some reason.) And since then I have been in love with science. I fell in love with it over and over again, reading a particular book made me realise that we should love nature. And I started loving nature and the creatures in it, then I fell in love with the moon, the stars the sky everything, and finally I fell in love with astrophysics. But before that I had fallen in love with the something unexpected ; "the nature of things". :) Also known as Physics. My life changed. I can't express how much I love this subject, how much I am passionate about it and how much I long for it! Probably that love is what has given me a definition over the years.  I wanted to be a physicist from 9th standard onwards. I loved everything else, I love English and Maths too, but my love for Physics is just more than that. Physics is not something where I scored more marks. But it is something which gives me the satisfaction that I can also do something. 

    And I was ready to do anything for my love. So I pursued my dream. I knew exactly that I didn't want to join any professional course, I wanted to learn Physics and wanted to be a scientist. The movie says, "Your dream is your signature". If that is so, I too have a signature, "scientist". That is what my friends in hostel used to call me. Then I fell unexpectedly in love with particle physics (that is a different story), but that rendezvous was made possible by my so called freaky nature! Had I not gone to that quiz competition alone in by BSc second year and not qualified to the final despite being the only member in my "team", I would never have heard about quarks which made me come till where I am now. I didn't win any prize that year, but it changed my life for ever. And to some extend people used to identify me! Next year also I went after my quizzing dreams and won many competitions. Now I must say that I was always one among the toppers in most of the places (how I became a topper from a stupid girl is another story). That used to make me happy as well as sad. 

        Happy because I used to feel that I can also do something.  It is not the name or fame which made me happy, but the simple fact that I was doing something which I liked the most. It didn't matter if I failed, but I was happy that I tried. The struggles become harder and harder as I grew up, there were times when I used to think why all troubles would come to me only, but then I realised that I can't be happy without these troubles. It is my choice, my life in my own terms. Had I chosen to live a complacent life, I could have, but that would simply be not me! And what used to make me sad was that every other fellow had a lover or partner who "loved them deeply" when I had none and probably made me feel like a loser! My mind used to get baffled by the fact that why I was the loser when everybody else was a winner. But later on I realised that being loved or taken care of (infact this "taken care of" is a phrase with double meaning) is not winning. Winning is still chasing your dream and taking care of yourself without anybody's help. What use is being "known" as Mrs.X's wife/lover/girlfriend or Mr.Y's daughter/sister/mother and be forgotten for ever if that is the only way to be known? I have got enough love and care from people for being my father's daughter. But that is because people like and respect him for what he does. Similarly being known as my mother's daughter (luckily I have that privilege) is only because she has done something in her life. But I want to be known as me. Unless you want to be known as yourself, you will never chase your dream. 

     

      And the moments in which you feel good about yourself, like the passport officer looking at your mark list and asking you about your education or a student you meet somewhere unexpectedly telling you that "I know you chechi, you were in our college union" or somebody asking you "are you not that girl who came for that quiz" cannot come unless you speak for yourself and stand for your dreams and strive to achieve them. We are all humans, we need something other than the bare minimum in our lives. And that comes only through our dreams. Everyone of us have our own. It may be science, arts, craft, music, acting, public service, travelling; anything. But if it is a good dream and will bring good to you and others, do not hesitate to follow it. There will be hurdles and times when you question yourself. But the whole point is to keep on trying. You never know what will change your life for good. Get out from that pit of boredom and start living. Because we all have to leave some signatures in this world, big or small, we should definitely leave a mark. :) 

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Rude - II

Everybody is being rude to me.

Is it just a bad feeling or a reality?

If it is real, I wonder what I have done,

To miff these people and be subject to their rudeness!

Why does everybody behave as if I am unwelcome?

Is because I am faulty or is it because they don't like me?

Why does everybody turn their heads as if they have gazed, 

Upon something which shouldn't be seen, 

On crossing paths with me? 

Why does nobody ask about me when I am far far away,

But talk to me only to ask about someone else?

Why does everybody behave as if I am a trouble maker?

When I always behave myself and be good? 

Why doesn't anybody bother to see me as a human, 

Who has feelings and breathe?

Why is everybody rude to me,

I wonder. Is it because I am not a bully like them?

Why does everybody try to isolate me?

Is it because they look upon as something evil?

I am not vile, nor somebody who spreads evil. 

Why is everybody so rude and selfish?

Is it because they are frustrated and has nothing better?

The questions swirled and swirled inside my head;

Making me go around with a with a face so sad. 

Why do people behave rudely? 

I thought and thought and thought 

And found an answer.

May be; they feel unloved; 

Or incompetent or insufficient, for themselves. 

May be they don't see them in the right light. 

May be they don't like how they look or what they do. 

May be they want an escape from the life they live.

But why forget about life when they live? 

That whomsoever they are and whatever they are not, 

Insecurities or superiority never made lives good. 

Hollow praises don't help, nor does rudeness.

They never made lives better or bright.

But only something bitter and tight. 

I thought and thought and thought,

And asked myself, "do I really care?"

And a small voice answered me,

"No I really don't". 

That somebody is rude to me or despises me.

Because they are nothing to me at all after all! 

And who cares who or what they are?

They are just somebody hanging around 

Trying to fix their lives by "brute force",

Let them do, and go their way, for no one else 

Really matters on a given day.

All that matters is what I want from my life, 

How I love myself, how well I know myself.

And I will have one person who will never leave me 

No matter what. Who will always ask about me wherever I am,

Who will both praise and reprimand me as and when needed.

Who will keep company in happy times as well as sad,

And will give me the courage to face the whole world,
Will make me dream , will make me act, 

Will make me myself;

And that is me.

Lost

Where are my goals?
Where are my ways?
Where are the beautiful
Dreams I dreamt?
Lost in the arid deserts
Of pain, I search for
Springs of hope in vain.

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You said it was not what I said,
I'm not sure what it was.
All I know is you left my side,
To go over to someone,
Without a goodbye.
So cruelly that it burned my heart,
Burned my soul, burned everything.
Ashes fly everywhere, numbing my senses,
Obscuring joy.

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Was it a bad dream or a harsh reality?
Whatever it is it is painful.
I wait and wait hoping,
You would realise and come back,
Bringing those days of spring and joy.
A small voice keep saying still,
That you won't be back, ever.

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Irreversible is what's happened.
'cause people don't travel back in time.
I am lost in the forward moving time,
Overwhelmed at what lays in front of me.
A vast lonely desert;
Will I ever cross this or will I just burn and die?
My hopes lost, my self lost,
I don't even realise I am alive.
The world is a blurr, the colours sharp
And happiness feels like a guilt.
I need a long sleep, unperturbed,
And dreamless, for my heart aches
And head hurts, I am lost;
Lost from myself and my life.
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Of love, romance, weddings and break ups - Part III : Quality and equality!

Somebody once told me that while loving people hide all their bad habits and pretend to be the best person in the whole world, but after marriage (the great love marriage) all those suppressed bad things come out and cause problems. This is very true. If the love is true, then you love the person with all his/her weaknesses (except the criminal weaknesses) and help them change in a constructive way if you can really help or else don't fall in this eternal loop of love at all! Quality definitely matters in love. Quality doesn't mean how flattering your lover is, or how many chocolates or red roses he has offered you. Or how hot the girl whom you like is. Quality means the extend to which the person is understanding, kind, caring and most importantly pure at heart. If a person has a pure heart they don't have to pretend to be anything they are not to be loved by someone.

       One word to all the girls who are madly in love with somebody. Please don't run away/marry or even be in love with the guy if you are a "goddess" and the guy a "human". Remember only gods truly love goddesses. When  I say "goddess" I mean a girl who is in some way better than a guy. Be it beauty or education or monetary status. Because given the patriarchal society (which an utter crap), the guy's ego is always blown up unnecessarily. Consider a girl marrying a guy who is highly educated compared to her. The girl sits at home and cooks for the guy. Nobody complaints and everybody is happy (or at least seems to be happy). Now imagine the same situation but with roles reversed. Will the lesser educated guy sit at home and cook and wash when the better educated you go for a highly paid job? No. Even if this impossibility happens, the society around the guy will blow up his ego and tell him stories about the girl and may even make up stories about her having an affair with a colleague of hers!! Do all these happen when the girl sits at home? No. The solutions to this are to demand a complete reform of the way society functions, and to work towards it, or to love and marry someone who is equally qualified (well we can't do anything about the scenarios where the girl and the guy are equally qualified and the girl gets more opportunities than the guy). If you can't find a fellow who is equally qualified, make sure that the guy is brilliant in something and knows what he wants in his life. Else it will create a lot of problems.

           Equal qualification can be education. Basically do not run away with an 8th grade pass if you are a post graduate (in fact I have seen many teenage girls being infatuated by rouge guys and eloping and ruining the rest of their lives). So girls please, if you feel that you are falling in love with a guy or that some guy is wooing you so hard that you feel that you are losing control of yourself and your future and are about to "fall" (literally fall) for him, stop and think a moment.
Think about yourself and what you want from your life. Do you have dreams and aspirations in your life? Then keep your eyes open to realities. Will this guy who is trying so hard to impress you support every single decision you take in your life after you two start living together? Or will he just say no to all those things about you which had actually impressed him so he started adoring you and trying to win your heart. Will he stay the same? Will he be true to himself and to you? Or will he be a tyrant who will just take away you from yourself and won't let you be what you are ever again? Or will he be a person who understands what you want from your life. Will he be the type of person who will work hard to achieve a goal in life? Will he be the one whom you can be proud of till the end of your life, or only till your marriage? Because immaturity never holds a marriage together.

         Again the matter of goddesses and humans is logical too. Unless the guy who actually adores the "goddess" is hard working and wants to go way ahead in life, there will always be that stark difference between the two. In the beginning this act of extreme adoration may be pleasing to you. But beware of the devil. We can't tell when the male ego will turn ugly. So it is better to analyse the guy first and then commit (otherwise it will be equivalent to committing suicide) to any relationship with him. Else it will be an utter waste of time and energy. If the guy is really a nice man then it is ok. (Again that is a probabilistic impossibility, so...) And that too only ok. The situation is ridiculous because the guy wasted his time wooing the girl and then doesn't have any idea about his life other than some stupid candy floss romance stuff, and enters a married life and declares himself as "the husband"! "The husband" attitude never works well. Infact the "macho man" attitude never works at all beyond the context of candy floss romance (where you pretend to be the protector/saviour/care taker of the girl whom you love; and how do you take care of her, by presenting her with red roses or chocolates or shower her with greeting cards and teddy bears; that doesn't work in married life at all). A man who really loves a woman will never try to chain her out of ego or possessiveness. Nor will he harbour any feeling of inferiority complex when he sees her. But it needs a really liberal mind (which I don't think most guys have, we can't blame them completely too, they are all cast in the same mold :( ) or striving mentality (the mentality that one should achieve something memorable in life) by a guy to even try to be that understanding.

       If you plunge yourself into a love marriage without any idea of the real life it may actually end up bitterly. Many things which  you have tried out and which worked in your love life will not work in the married life. Like when you were lovers you tried to get the guy/girl by making him jealous by flirting with someone else. If you think that all these teen/tween stuff is still going to work, sorry you can walk out of the relation. Trust and understanding are more important than I'll make my husband/wife come back to me by making him/her jealous. If anyone has done any mistake, be it the guy or the girl, accepting it (shunning your ego) and trying to mend it is far better than any silly stuff you have tried and have succeeded in achieving "results" with, in your love life.

      Every relation needs adjustments. If women can adjust men can adjust too. And there is nothing wrong with trying your best to adjust (unless the situation is too bad to adjust or tolerate) if you really really love your husband/wife whom once you loved so much that you decided to love together. Then walking away from a relation without even trying is like buying a high end mobile phone just because the OS of your high end phone crashed and you don't even bother to take it to a service shop where it will actually be made usable again!  Relations are not high end mobiles (well may they are like, because you can't buy another one if you can't to get another one) that you can get a substitute as and when you please. Nobody should give up without trying earnestly. Be that about maintaining a relationship (well relationships can be utterly illogical and unlike career struggles in that despite all the earnest trials they break) or be it about building up a career of your choice. People try hard "to get that person" as their partner before the love marriage, then why can't  they try "to be with that person" after this love marriage? There was love. Wasn't there? Or was it just smoke and no fire?

Of love, romance, weddings and break ups - Part II

      A main reason for break ups of marriages is the end of love. It is seen in many cases that marriage becomes "the end" of love. Atleast some people would've complained that there was too much love before marriage but there is none at all after it. To some extend this is true. Just remember all those unmarried love birds around you whose romance was so public (before the social media age, live and during the social media age, live + photo action!!) to the extend that those around them had to live with their eyes closed or turned away in some other direction. Years later you hear that these people broke up for lack of love/romance!!! Now you are forced to think. Where did all those love/romance go?!! Only you can't fathom the reason for the break up (even God can't) !!

        Who is the culprit here? Is it age or the passage of time or is it the mentality? Or is it that that people start taking their spouses for granted after marriage? That expressions of love not even as a tiny gesture is not needed now that they have got "united" in marriage (only to be "untied" later)? If you think so then you are wrong. No expression of love in words or gestures is as bad as those pre-wedding over indulgence in expressions of love! Probably you were crazy teen/tweenagers when you were romancing and then all of them mattered. And you would have thoroughly enjoyed giving and taking so much affection. Then why do you stop giving and taking it after marriage? Yes, after marriage you may become unprecedentedly "responsible" (like before marriage your mother used to cook for you, now you and you have no idea as to how to make food for yourself; how are you even supposed to feed someone else? Obviously the patriarchal society has made sure that your loving husband can't even (literally) feed you no matter what raw materials he brings home with what he earns!!! Or that earlier everything used to appear on demand now you actually have to go to the shop to buy it, manage your finances (uh so hard when you descent to the real world from your carefree life so far!) and what more). So you forget to give and take some love. The main reason why two people got married out of love is lost or what in between these heavy responsibilities. 

       Can't you express love in between these responsibilities? It is not utterly impossible. It doesn't matter how many times the lover guy has told you about what he would do for you (like go to the end of the world and bring the moon for you). But can he offer to share these responsibilities with which you are struggling? Can he literally feed you? It feels good to be fed by someone (especially by the one whom you love so much (or probably loved so much before marriage?)). Even a small cup of tea offered to you without asking is a gesture of love. It is not as exotic as the moon from the end of the world, but is a realistic thing. It may not be a great thing to offer your wife, but it may actually make her happy! Similarly despite all those unrealistic promises of being an ideal wife (who will do God knows what to keep him happy!), if the wife actually offers support the guy who may be aiming at the moon but is not being able to reach even the bottom branch of a tree, even with a small word of encouragement (or even not throwing an insult at an unsuccessful husband), it is a real gesture of love. Understanding is the basis. Without understanding nothing works out. Not even a simple math problem can be solved without understanding. Forget the complicated (yet silly) problems of married life!! 

       And taking for granted that, since "I love him/her so deeply, I don't have to show some affection to him/her" after marriage is not correct. Everybody needs to be assured that they are loved. Remember how do you feel if your mother stops showing her affection to you? Or father stops showing affection to you? No matter of what age you are, you won't like it. Just because you have grown up doesn't mean that you don't deserve their affection. They know that too. Similarly, just because you have married after having a long romantic affair doesn't imply that you should not give assurances that they are loved. That may not even be like sitting 24X7 with them. It may be a phone call, an sms or even a miss call. (You used to do all these before marriage. Right?) You used to talk for hours over the phone when you were in love, then why can't you even spend 5 minutes talking to each other after marriage? That won't cause end of the world. Will it? Even friends need to be showed some care to assure them that you love them. So in a situation like a love marriage where two people come in with so many things about their "pre-marital relationship" in mind and high expectations due to it, some care should be shown. Not for the sake of a show off, but a genuine one (either way you'll understand what type it is). Otherwise you'll be living in the past thinking about that romantic person with whom you were in love and comparing them with the rude person who actually lives with you right now. And then because everybody needs some affectionate gesture, if they don't get it from the person from whom they expect it, they are bound to drift away from you, in turn creating rifts in this so called love marriage. Either you buckle up for no gestures and all that prejudices that after marriage, life has to be "full of responsibilities" (which is not nice) or you actually try reminding that "special person" that he/she is still special in your life (all these are valid if you believe in love, romance and blah blah blah). 

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          Near vs Far :  Yes. Near vs Far makes a lot of difference. Life is not an ideal love story that a person will stay forever in a long distance relation. Actually it will get boring after a while. The person whom you love can't be with you and you think about yourself and then start complaining about it and then finally it becomes such a problem that it can't be resolved by any means at all!!! 

I won't say that everybody who are going to marry should accept that one of the spouses (= the wife by default!) has to give up their career (just to be with their soul mate!). In this world it is absolutely not possible to stay together always. Especially when both of them have a career of their own choice. So practically it is always better to marry (elope with) a person from the exact same career. That will ensure proximity and longevity!!! (Just kidding.) If you really actually want to marry (elope) across careers then it will always be better if you can stay in the same place (which is a total impossibility). If you can't then you shouldn't cut away this relation just like that! After all you are two married people (who were once a pair of star crossed lovers)! If you do all these cut off the relation just like that deed, you are actually setting wrong examples to other lovers who may actually want to get married and may live together happily ever after. Even if that means you are setting the absolute "see I said so" examples for those who oppose love marriages strongly! That's not a fair act to those aspiring young lovers who are ready to be together in life!!!

       If by any chance careers don't offer proximity you should find some ways to keep the relation! Again just because you are far away from your parents doesn't mean that you'll ever forget them or cease loving them! A true love is also like that. Isn't it? Especially if the true lover has become a member of the family by something called marriage? You decided to accept them as a part of your life when you got married, so why throw them away just like that? A ship may travel through rocky waters, but that doesn't mean that you should abandon the ship (unless it threatens your life) thinking that it will sink. Who knows, if you stuck with it, it won't reach a beautiful shore one day? 24 X 7 proximity is not possible in any relation, but that doesn't mean that the relation has to be broken!! It can be maintained if the people involved appreciate the other person's aspirations and difficulties and are ready to make it work even from long distance. If you really want to be together for ever, you may have to endure some hardships in the beginning. 

        Getting married doesn't mean that you have to be together 24 X 7 to be in love still as you were before getting married!!! What the hell! Somehow or the other you'll find a way out to be together if you really want proximity! (But only if you think beyond the candy floss, romance level.) After all, your life experiences will give you the maturity and wisdom (to figure out practical solutions without forfeiting anybody's career) to do so. (If it doesn't, then there is no use calling yourself a late tweenager or a beginning thirtier.)  But one must have the patience to endure this non-proximity, be it a guy or a gal, till some solution is figured out. I mean people can wait. Right? If they really love each other that much? (Even arranged married people who didn't even have any love in between them previously do this, then why can't love married people do that?) 

      Bottom line is that maturity and wisdom are necessary in all kinds of marriages. Being in love with someone and day dreaming a happy life together is different from what one may face in that actual life together. But that doesn't mean that you can't make the real life happy. It definitely takes effort. What doesn't take effort in this world to achieve? But if you really really believe in love, that hardship will be nothing compared to the love for which you are taking that effort. Nobody leaves an exam midway if a 5 mark question seems to be difficult. What if the rest of the 45 marks 

questions were answerable and you didn't even try? 

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Of love, romance and weddings and break ups - Part I

       The title was supposed to be "of love, romance and weddings (which occur in heaven) and break ups (which bring hell upon people)". But it was too long to be written as a title. I apologize to anybody who has had romances and break ups in their lives, but I can't help writing this.
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     As the famous saying goes, weddings happen in heaven. let us rewind and observe the pre-wedding situation. Those weddings may be arranged by the family without any element of romance, or may be arranged by the family with the romantic element, or a totally irrational eloping defying all family. ;) Love or no love or eloping or no eloping, weddings are good if they last long as a mature relation with mutual respect and love and don't turn out to be disastrous.

     Let us leave arranged marriages for now, because if they turn out to be nasty, the one who is married can blame their parents and other family members who caused this "fix". But what if a love marriage fails? Who is to be blamed? The husband? The wife? What?

     I am not against love marriages, but if the love marriage doesn't have the strong basis of love and trust rather than being built upon stupid dreams and expectations, there is no point calling it a "love marriage". Somebody once told me about why love marriages break. It is like this, "while romancing, people hide all their imperfections and all and after marriage they all come out and cause problems"! That was a very mature thought. One instance of a love marriage being "the end" of love.

    But is this the only reason why love marriages fail? I guess no. I think such cases happen when the chisquare between expectation and reality is too much!! Expectations being

1) candy floss romance
2) fun filled life
3) always love (too many expressions of it in myriad ways)
4) no bothering about how to earn to live
5) always together
6) love me and me only

and so on...

And the realities :

1) not always possible to have a candy floss romance (again somebody said, bored and loving for the sake of love ; is that really love? Bah :/)
2) life with hardships to be dealt with
3) no expression of love at all (even if you want to)
4) have to eat and have the basic necessities of life
5) not always together
6) can't always love you and you only

and again so on...

    How will you ever get a decent chi square in this scenario? Never. So the marriage breaks!! How sad. There is a way around. That is called adjustment. It is not that people don't know about it. It is only that only women are taught about it. It would be nice if men also learn to adjust. After all if mutual adjustment can lead to a "happily ever after", it is worth trying out, rather than just ditching everything and walking away without even trying earnestly. But men should stop demanding that their wives adjust to their needs and their needs alone!! Take most of the examples of eloping and marriage, the girl runs away with her lover and marries him, and  then sits happily ever after at home to "look after him and his kids". But the truth is happily ever after lasts only for a few years. How long can a woman sit idly at home doing the same old chores, having to depend upon her husband (who obviously loves her; still...), while he is working to his heart's contend and rising up in career? Especially if the girl was so talented that everybody values her particular talent?

      Not being able to use one's talent and not get appreciation for it is really hard for anybody. Dreams are not only for men. But for women too. Why should marriage of any form be a hindrance to it? If the husband really loves his wife (as he used to before the marriage), he should appreciate this fact that a woman also has her needs, outside of the family. That is the need to prove herself and having a loving husband who earns enough to feed her and her children cannot satisfy that need.
If a girl/woman makes enormous amount of sacrifice by suppressing that need for the sake of a marriage and the one for whom she has made it never appreciates it, she is bound to get bored. One day or the other that need gets better of love and one has to leave if the "love" turns out to be too restraining.

      I don't understand why men have to be so immature. In most of the cases this immaturity is the one which causes problems. Marrying a girl whom they love is like winning some prize for such guys! And the prize surely has to be "kept" in a showcase. "It" is not supposed to have a life of its own, interests of "its" own and has to be "taken care of". What if the "prize" doesn't want to be a showcase piece and has "her" own interests and opinions and doesn't want to be taken care of? Does that still mean that she is not lovable? When the guys say "she has to sit at home and love me and me alone", they are being very selfish. She should not go to work, because I am earning, so no need for her to work (this is not only in love marriage, applies to arranged marriages too where the guy, guy's family also tells exactly this).

        Working is not only about earning money. Yes, one person earning too much money may seem sufficient. But two people earning money is better, even if the second source of income is not as high as the first!!! Plus it is not only about earning money or having a white collar job. It is about the identity of the woman. Who is she besides being her father's daughter or husband's wife or son's mother? She is herself. Right? And there is nothing shameful in being known as the daughter's father (surely fathers do take pride in it) or a wife's husband or a mother's son or daughter. But the husband's mostly get offended (again both in L and A marriages) in being known by his wife (which is fed into the hearts of the people even in application forms; take for example an application form for a national level exam. The candidate is asked to fill up the name of his father/ mother (that too if the father is not alive!) and "husband". Why can't a male candidate be asked to fill his wife's name if a female candidate should fill her husband's name? Not fair. To think that it the application form for a national level qualifying test ( I am not telling which one) makes me ashamed of the extend of nasty patriarchy prevalent in this country!!!). Even if he is an unemployed fool who is dependent on the wife for a living, he is deemed as "the best man in the world". Crap. :X

       Yes there it feels good to be known as somebody's somebody in many circles. But where is the fun? For example, I feel good to be known as parents' daughter. But I feel better when I am known for who/what I am rather than bask in the glory of my parents'. Same goes in  marriage too. No matter how talented the husband is, the wife does want to be known as herself (unless she is somebody who doesn't have any goals in life and expect to be taken care of by somebody thus feeding to the agony of those women who want to achieve something in life). Any woman knows what to do with her life or what she has to do in her life wants this. And those husbands for whom she was ready to make amendments in her life must understand this, rather than making her suppress her urge to do something worthwhile in her life rather than "doing new things in kitchen...."  for him (as the lyrics of a fairly new song suggests, which is totally sexist; the only compensation is that the other language version of the same song has a very non-sexist lyrics! By the way another song in the same movie tells you that you'll be remembered for what you do. So all ladies who want to be really remembered by the human race, follow your dreams, how hard they may be.) Otherwise after a while the bored woman will definitely break free and then you go on a spree to blame the woman directly or indirectly in the name of family. (Even then these men forget what they have demanded from the poor woman!!!)  This is the main cause of break up.

       In this country there are so many atrocities happening against women. Instead of creating a society safe for women, if you don't let women come out of the house (by making excuses that you are protecting them, in turn harming her in many other ways), you are becoming a part of weakening women deliberately. If you can't let go of your ego and let the woman be a free being even after marriage (for marriage is not a prison), better not dream about "owning" that woman! One cannot be immature and demand that everybody around him be mature or adjust to him. That's not a fair game at all from any angle. One can't do one thing in life and go out and tell the whole world to liberate the female spirit. Unless you are ready to do that yourself, you better not "love" and "own" a woman. For true love is not the woman sitting at home, it can also be the man understanding the woman who doesn't complain without her telling him that she has a fire inside her and not chaining her for his selfishness.

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More to come....


   

     

     

   


       

The Woman I am

The women I am,
Is both known and unknown to me.
I surprise myself at times,
Fail myself at others.
Yet I am my best friend,
My secret keeper, keeper of my dreams.
I dream with eyes open,
About new horizons to reach.

The woman I am,
Is misunderstood,
And never understood, by anybody
Other than me.
The woman I am is abused,
Verbally, mentally, socially,
Everyday, on streets, in love, in family.
Yet I strive, I live to show,
That nothing can really affect me.
Nothing really matters, neither does anybody;
As long as I have my company,
Myself to guide me and my own
Dreams to fulfill.

My life is mine only and I am the master of it.
The woman I am is independent,
Believes in fair play and truthfulness;
In every walk of life.

The woman I am loves,
But is never loved back.
But who cares as long as I have
Enough love within me to love myself?

The woman I am, has a child inside;
A child who dreamt of walking on clouds
In the vast ble sky;
The child who wanted to explore the world,
The universe.
The child who loved stars and saluted the moon,
Who enjoyed moonlight streaming through her window.
The child who admired darkness and silence,
To learn how to admire lights and sounds.

The woman I am, has a girl inside,
Who would fight back from anything,
Who was determined to forge a path for herself.
The girl who made dreams come true.
The girl who gave herself courage in the face of adversities.

The woman I am has a woman in me,
Who grew up from a child who loved children,
To a woman who loves children;
Anything about them and their company.

The woman I am is unsure of many things.
But life must go on.
When I look at myself, I see
A child, a girl and a woman all at once.
But the dreams are the same,
Aspirations same and realities the same.

The woman I am is the one;
And only one who doesn't judge,
Who doesn't hurt, who has always been there,
Through thick and thin and will always be there
Till the end, with me!

Dreams...

Some dreams are like soap bubbles,

Colourful and transient. 

Rising up in the air 

Only to to break.

Still we dream,

Living in soap bubbles.

Anticipating them not to break.

Shouldn't we tell or hearts to wake up

From the sweet dreams they are dreaming,

Beautiful but impossible, 

To the staring realities

Harsh and painful?

But we hold on to them,

Refusing to open our eyes, 

Knowing, one day or the other, 

The heart is going to break.

Let it break, break into a thousand pieces,

We can pick the pieces and mold it again

Into something even stronger and beautiful

Which can dream even better,

Dreams for real. 

In the land of Pagodas - Part III - The Great Wall

          If you have ever wished for anything very earnestly, with an innocent heart, it is sure to come true some time or the other in your life.  The trip to Great Wall was one such experience for me the other being the one to Shantiniketan.  The trip was organised as part of the school on the Sunday during the school. If we would go to the Great Wall or not depended on the weather but we wentto the Great Wall anyway. :)
       
          We started after the breakfast in two groups. The journey was a pleasant one. It took more than 45 minutes to reach the Great Wall. On the way it was raining. Scenic places appeared through sheets of rain. A canal with trees on either sides was an unforgettable one. The part of Great Wall we went to is the Mutianyu Great Wall.
   
           Finally we reached our destination, i.e the entrance to the Great wall. When I say entrance it is a flight of steps which you have to climb to reach the Great Wall. After all it is built on top of a mountain. :) So after getting the tickets from our guide (who was carrying a guiding flag perched on top of her umbrella), we started the ascent with the instructions to be back to the base within an hour. I can call it only an ascent since we were literally climbing up the whole mountain!

           Here I have to mention what all I was carrying. My backpack with almost three bottles of water + my purse + my camera. So the camera happens to be a half kg one with an almost 300 g of lens attached to it. And obviously being a tourist I had to take photos and put it on my neck as all aspiring photographers do (let me take the privilege of calling myself a photographer). And we began our climb.
 
         There were neatly cut steps to climb the mountain and these steps are probably centuries old. On our right was the valley side and all the resting places were on the left. There were steps, steps and steps. I started climbing enthusiastically and by after thirty steps I started panting. And ofcourse I have to mention my footware and jeans. In view of the Great Wall climbing I should have taken my shoes which I forgot to in the last minute packing and was wearing a very fancy Bata footwear. Luckily all through my visit in Beijing it didn't break. :) On that day I wore a jeans which I don't prefer to wear on other days at all, and this particular jeans which was restricting my motion on account of being skinny ( I realised this fact after a long time!). So along with my own natural exhaustion, the bag, the jeans and the camera on my neck were adding to my difficulty in climbing.

         And I literally fell back int he group and joined the group which was coming after us. I dont remember how many people waited for me to get a breath, earnest thanks to all of them for being very kind. So my group partner who happened to be in the latter group with which we merged offered to carry my camera. Thanks to him. And then after some more flight of stairs my comrade offered to carry my bag. This bag was carried by another of my friend later.Thanks to her too. She was also having difficulty climbing, but she was very determined to climb. It was an extremely tedious climb. But I too got determined. Then I realised why out guide had told us that those who climb the Great Wall are heros! It takes that much effort to reach there.

           I can still taste the salt on my face. :) On the way we reached a place were there were some fallen branches. I broke a long staff from a branch and used it as my support. The rest of the way i supported myself on this staff. When I was making this staff for me a grandma passed us. She might have been 90 years. There I was young, but struggling to climb the mountain and there the granny was who was walking breezily as if this was all a child's play for her!! :)

          Finally sweating  and with reddened faces (I couldn't see myself, but I am sure that I was red too) we reached our destination, the Great Wall!!! We climbed another small set of stairs to the wall. I had never imagined that it would be as difficult to walk on the Great Wall as it was to climb to it. We entered as roofed portion where sweet/cool drinks vendors were sitting. After the climb after seeing them I started wondering how they manage to climb up ad down everyday! (And also thought that if I were a candy vendor on Great Wall who climbed the mountain everyday, I would be thin and healthy. ;) )

         On reaching the destination, I took all my possessions back from the people who had kindly took them for me and started the photographic pursuit. Carrying a three quarter kg camera was not a bad idea at all. :) When I look at the photos I was able to capture there, I feel happy. :) We started walking there. As I had mentioned, it is difficult to walk on the Great Wall. Since the wall is built all the way on top of the mountain, it rises and falls accordingly. And then there are steps again. Not the usual high ones only, but the low thin steps which looked from far away seem to be part of the floor. On the way a group of tourists from some other country crossed us. A guy in the group said "Namaste" to us. :) Yup there was a "Namaste" also on top of the Great Wall. This was the result of the salwar, which was just the trailer of what was to come the next Saturday. :)
   
        I also saw photographers with more than 1kg cameras on the top. Nobody can miss the chance to photograph the only man made structure visible from the moon. :)  I wanted to experiment running and walking on the wall in different ways, but didn't have the courage to do so with the 0.75kg cam hanging on my neck. If I ever get another chance to go back there I do want to walk freely. We climbed another roofed structure and spent some time there. There was a cute child who was looking curiously at my staff. Infact most of the people were looking at that staff!! :) But it was fun holding that staff. It was as I would imagine as a five or ten year old. I had embarked upon a great journey across the mountain and walking with a staff in my hand. I don't remember where I picked up this image, but it is one of the images which was dear to me as a kid.

      Then we all looked at our watches and realised that the time given to us was almost over. We had to go down. Should we trek back or should we take the rope way was the question. Finally the deadline set by the travel guide won and we decided to take the cable cars back to the foot of the mountain. This was my first experience of travelling in a cable car and I was to speak honestly, scared. Everything happened so suddenly that all I can remember is standing in a line and then ushered forward with DJ to stand at a point where we were given fast instructions to sit as soon as the car came behind us. The cable moves at a constant rate and you just have to sit, and the people in charge will put the cross bar with a T on the bottom which you have to hold with your feet. It all happened in a flurry and after that there was silence. I was almost more than 1 km up in the open air! Sitting on a car with horizontal bars! One wrong move and things will fall down! DJ was very relaxed. She had taken cable cars before. I took one photo and kept the camera in the bag. Somehow I felt that I should keep the lens cover away from my hand for fear of losing it. Now I feel that it was a good decision. Had I taken photos then I would never have taken in my surroundings clearly.

      I looked down and saw my slipper. What if the thing fell down? So I decided not to move. What about the pounding heart? I told myself not to get scared. DJ was photographing and taking video. From behind I heard yells from our companions telling that they were scared. I screamed and said "even I am!". That was fun. And my staff which was coming with one of our companions behind, fell down into the jungle deep down. I passed tree tops, I tried to touch one. There was lush green forest beneath us. And the cable car moved silently to the valley. I can't express the feeling I had in words. It has to be experienced. Those moments of silence were some of the best moments I ever had. Ofcourse I was anxious. Still I enjoyed the anxious silence. On the way I saw one of the students from the school travelling on a chute way from up the mountain. I smiled at him and watched him slide down silently along the mountain. I imagined myself travelling down the chute and decided that cable car was better at that moment. And reminded myself of the ad "darr ke aage jeet hai".

        We glided down and down. The whole valley could be seen. Slowly sounds started coming back. We were nearing the valley. And then suddenly we reached the disembarking point and were ushered out of the car. Then everybody came behind us. We climbed some stairs and two men in red gown with swords appeared before us! We didn't know what was happening. Apparently they were posing for photos or something.

          We didn't do any shopping there for lack of time. There were many interesting shops, with interesting things, but we went on. On the way back to the bus I noticed the T-shirts hung in the shops. They said "I climbed Great Wall!" :) In the bus people including me posed with a "V" for being happy about climbing the Great Wall. Then we started and I bid goodbye to the great wonder.
We stopped on the way for lunch, which was very tasty. I don't know if it was the exhaustion from climbing which made the whole lunch tasty or the fact that the food was actually tasty, it was very enjoyable.
 
         We had planned to go around the town where we were staying, but cancelled it since everybody was exhausted. We returned to the resort and I had a nice and refreshing bath and fell asleep immediately. Did my dreams revolve around the Great Wall?
 
       I still can't believe I climbed the Great Wall that day. I still can't control my excitement. Who can; when one of your innocent childhood dreams has come true? :)