Thursday, April 24, 2014

Of love, romance, weddings and break ups - Part II

      A main reason for break ups of marriages is the end of love. It is seen in many cases that marriage becomes "the end" of love. Atleast some people would've complained that there was too much love before marriage but there is none at all after it. To some extend this is true. Just remember all those unmarried love birds around you whose romance was so public (before the social media age, live and during the social media age, live + photo action!!) to the extend that those around them had to live with their eyes closed or turned away in some other direction. Years later you hear that these people broke up for lack of love/romance!!! Now you are forced to think. Where did all those love/romance go?!! Only you can't fathom the reason for the break up (even God can't) !!

        Who is the culprit here? Is it age or the passage of time or is it the mentality? Or is it that that people start taking their spouses for granted after marriage? That expressions of love not even as a tiny gesture is not needed now that they have got "united" in marriage (only to be "untied" later)? If you think so then you are wrong. No expression of love in words or gestures is as bad as those pre-wedding over indulgence in expressions of love! Probably you were crazy teen/tweenagers when you were romancing and then all of them mattered. And you would have thoroughly enjoyed giving and taking so much affection. Then why do you stop giving and taking it after marriage? Yes, after marriage you may become unprecedentedly "responsible" (like before marriage your mother used to cook for you, now you and you have no idea as to how to make food for yourself; how are you even supposed to feed someone else? Obviously the patriarchal society has made sure that your loving husband can't even (literally) feed you no matter what raw materials he brings home with what he earns!!! Or that earlier everything used to appear on demand now you actually have to go to the shop to buy it, manage your finances (uh so hard when you descent to the real world from your carefree life so far!) and what more). So you forget to give and take some love. The main reason why two people got married out of love is lost or what in between these heavy responsibilities. 

       Can't you express love in between these responsibilities? It is not utterly impossible. It doesn't matter how many times the lover guy has told you about what he would do for you (like go to the end of the world and bring the moon for you). But can he offer to share these responsibilities with which you are struggling? Can he literally feed you? It feels good to be fed by someone (especially by the one whom you love so much (or probably loved so much before marriage?)). Even a small cup of tea offered to you without asking is a gesture of love. It is not as exotic as the moon from the end of the world, but is a realistic thing. It may not be a great thing to offer your wife, but it may actually make her happy! Similarly despite all those unrealistic promises of being an ideal wife (who will do God knows what to keep him happy!), if the wife actually offers support the guy who may be aiming at the moon but is not being able to reach even the bottom branch of a tree, even with a small word of encouragement (or even not throwing an insult at an unsuccessful husband), it is a real gesture of love. Understanding is the basis. Without understanding nothing works out. Not even a simple math problem can be solved without understanding. Forget the complicated (yet silly) problems of married life!! 

       And taking for granted that, since "I love him/her so deeply, I don't have to show some affection to him/her" after marriage is not correct. Everybody needs to be assured that they are loved. Remember how do you feel if your mother stops showing her affection to you? Or father stops showing affection to you? No matter of what age you are, you won't like it. Just because you have grown up doesn't mean that you don't deserve their affection. They know that too. Similarly, just because you have married after having a long romantic affair doesn't imply that you should not give assurances that they are loved. That may not even be like sitting 24X7 with them. It may be a phone call, an sms or even a miss call. (You used to do all these before marriage. Right?) You used to talk for hours over the phone when you were in love, then why can't you even spend 5 minutes talking to each other after marriage? That won't cause end of the world. Will it? Even friends need to be showed some care to assure them that you love them. So in a situation like a love marriage where two people come in with so many things about their "pre-marital relationship" in mind and high expectations due to it, some care should be shown. Not for the sake of a show off, but a genuine one (either way you'll understand what type it is). Otherwise you'll be living in the past thinking about that romantic person with whom you were in love and comparing them with the rude person who actually lives with you right now. And then because everybody needs some affectionate gesture, if they don't get it from the person from whom they expect it, they are bound to drift away from you, in turn creating rifts in this so called love marriage. Either you buckle up for no gestures and all that prejudices that after marriage, life has to be "full of responsibilities" (which is not nice) or you actually try reminding that "special person" that he/she is still special in your life (all these are valid if you believe in love, romance and blah blah blah). 


          Near vs Far :  Yes. Near vs Far makes a lot of difference. Life is not an ideal love story that a person will stay forever in a long distance relation. Actually it will get boring after a while. The person whom you love can't be with you and you think about yourself and then start complaining about it and then finally it becomes such a problem that it can't be resolved by any means at all!!! 
I won't say that everybody who are going to marry should accept that one of the spouses (= the wife by default!) has to give up their career (just to be with their soul mate!). In this world it is absolutely not possible to stay together always. Especially when both of them have a career of their own choice. So practically it is always better to marry (elope with) a person from the exact same career. That will ensure proximity and longevity!!! (Just kidding.) If you really actually want to marry (elope) across careers then it will always be better if you can stay in the same place (which is a total impossibility). If you can't then you shouldn't cut away this relation just like that! After all you are two married people (who were once a pair of star crossed lovers)! If you do all these cut off the relation just like that deed, you are actually setting wrong examples to other lovers who may actually want to get married and may live together happily ever after. Even if that means you are setting the absolute "see I said so" examples for those who oppose love marriages strongly! That's not a fair act to those aspiring young lovers who are ready to be together in life!!!

       If by any chance careers don't offer proximity you should find some ways to keep the relation! Again just because you are far away from your parents doesn't mean that you'll ever forget them or cease loving them! A true love is also like that. Isn't it? Especially if the true lover has become a member of the family by something called marriage? You decided to accept them as a part of your life when you got married, so why throw them away just like that? A ship may travel through rocky waters, but that doesn't mean that you should abandon the ship (unless it threatens your life) thinking that it will sink. Who knows, if you stuck with it, it won't reach a beautiful shore one day? 24 X 7 proximity is not possible in any relation, but that doesn't mean that the relation has to be broken!! It can be maintained if the people involved appreciate the other person's aspirations and difficulties and are ready to make it work even from long distance. If you really want to be together for ever, you may have to endure some hardships in the beginning. 

        Getting married doesn't mean that you have to be together 24 X 7 to be in love still as you were before getting married!!! What the hell! Somehow or the other you'll find a way out to be together if you really want proximity! (But only if you think beyond the candy floss, romance level.) After all, your life experiences will give you the maturity and wisdom (to figure out practical solutions without forfeiting anybody's career) to do so. (If it doesn't, then there is no use calling yourself a late tweenager or a beginning thirtier.)  But one must have the patience to endure this non-proximity, be it a guy or a gal, till some solution is figured out. I mean people can wait. Right? If they really love each other that much? (Even arranged married people who didn't even have any love in between them previously do this, then why can't love married people do that?) 

      Bottom line is that maturity and wisdom are necessary in all kinds of marriages. Being in love with someone and day dreaming a happy life together is different from what one may face in that actual life together. But that doesn't mean that you can't make the real life happy. It definitely takes effort. What doesn't take effort in this world to achieve? But if you really really believe in love, that hardship will be nothing compared to the love for which you are taking that effort. Nobody leaves an exam midway if a 5 mark question seems to be difficult. What if the rest of the 45 marks 
questions were answerable and you didn't even try? 


Monday, April 21, 2014

Of love, romance and weddings and break ups - Part I

       The title was supposed to be "of love, romance and weddings (which occur in heaven) and break ups (which bring hell upon people)". But it was too long to be written as a title. I apologize to anybody who has had romances and break ups in their lives, but I can't help writing this.

     As the famous saying goes, weddings happen in heaven. let us rewind and observe the pre-wedding situation. Those weddings may be arranged by the family without any element of romance, or may be arranged by the family with the romantic element, or a totally irrational eloping defying all family. ;) Love or no love or eloping or no eloping, weddings are good if they last long as a mature relation with mutual respect and love and don't turn out to be disastrous.

     Let us leave arranged marriages for now, because if they turn out to be nasty, the one who is married can blame their parents and other family members who caused this "fix". But what if a love marriage fails? Who is to be blamed? The husband? The wife? What?

     I am not against love marriages, but if the love marriage doesn't have the strong basis of love and trust rather than being built upon stupid dreams and expectations, there is no point calling it a "love marriage". Somebody once told me about why love marriages break. It is like this, "while romancing, people hide all their imperfections and all and after marriage they all come out and cause problems"! That was a very mature thought. One instance of a love marriage being "the end" of love.

    But is this the only reason why love marriages fail? I guess no. I think such cases happen when the chisquare between expectation and reality is too much!! Expectations being

1) candy floss romance
2) fun filled life
3) always love (too many expressions of it in myriad ways)
4) no bothering about how to earn to live
5) always together
6) love me and me only

and so on...

And the realities :

1) not always possible to have a candy floss romance (again somebody said, bored and loving for the sake of love ; is that really love? Bah :/)
2) life with hardships to be dealt with
3) no expression of love at all (even if you want to)
4) have to eat and have the basic necessities of life
5) not always together
6) can't always love you and you only

and again so on...

    How will you ever get a decent chi square in this scenario? Never. So the marriage breaks!! How sad. There is a way around. That is called adjustment. It is not that people don't know about it. It is only that only women are taught about it. It would be nice if men also learn to adjust. After all if mutual adjustment can lead to a "happily ever after", it is worth trying out, rather than just ditching everything and walking away without even trying earnestly. But men should stop demanding that their wives adjust to their needs and their needs alone!! Take most of the examples of eloping and marriage, the girl runs away with her lover and marries him, and  then sits happily ever after at home to "look after him and his kids". But the truth is happily ever after lasts only for a few years. How long can a woman sit idly at home doing the same old chores, having to depend upon her husband (who obviously loves her; still...), while he is working to his heart's contend and rising up in career? Especially if the girl was so talented that everybody values her particular talent?

      Not being able to use one's talent and not get appreciation for it is really hard for anybody. Dreams are not only for men. But for women too. Why should marriage of any form be a hindrance to it? If the husband really loves his wife (as he used to before the marriage), he should appreciate this fact that a woman also has her needs, outside of the family. That is the need to prove herself and having a loving husband who earns enough to feed her and her children cannot satisfy that need.
If a girl/woman makes enormous amount of sacrifice by suppressing that need for the sake of a marriage and the one for whom she has made it never appreciates it, she is bound to get bored. One day or the other that need gets better of love and one has to leave if the "love" turns out to be too restraining.

      I don't understand why men have to be so immature. In most of the cases this immaturity is the one which causes problems. Marrying a girl whom they love is like winning some prize for such guys! And the prize surely has to be "kept" in a showcase. "It" is not supposed to have a life of its own, interests of "its" own and has to be "taken care of". What if the "prize" doesn't want to be a showcase piece and has "her" own interests and opinions and doesn't want to be taken care of? Does that still mean that she is not lovable? When the guys say "she has to sit at home and love me and me alone", they are being very selfish. She should not go to work, because I am earning, so no need for her to work (this is not only in love marriage, applies to arranged marriages too where the guy, guy's family also tells exactly this).

        Working is not only about earning money. Yes, one person earning too much money may seem sufficient. But two people earning money is better, even if the second source of income is not as high as the first!!! Plus it is not only about earning money or having a white collar job. It is about the identity of the woman. Who is she besides being her father's daughter or husband's wife or son's mother? She is herself. Right? And there is nothing shameful in being known as the daughter's father (surely fathers do take pride in it) or a wife's husband or a mother's son or daughter. But the husband's mostly get offended (again both in L and A marriages) in being known by his wife (which is fed into the hearts of the people even in application forms; take for example an application form for a national level exam. The candidate is asked to fill up the name of his father/ mother (that too if the father is not alive!) and "husband". Why can't a male candidate be asked to fill his wife's name if a female candidate should fill her husband's name? Not fair. To think that it the application form for a national level qualifying test ( I am not telling which one) makes me ashamed of the extend of nasty patriarchy prevalent in this country!!!). Even if he is an unemployed fool who is dependent on the wife for a living, he is deemed as "the best man in the world". Crap. :X

       Yes there it feels good to be known as somebody's somebody in many circles. But where is the fun? For example, I feel good to be known as parents' daughter. But I feel better when I am known for who/what I am rather than bask in the glory of my parents'. Same goes in  marriage too. No matter how talented the husband is, the wife does want to be known as herself (unless she is somebody who doesn't have any goals in life and expect to be taken care of by somebody thus feeding to the agony of those women who want to achieve something in life). Any woman knows what to do with her life or what she has to do in her life wants this. And those husbands for whom she was ready to make amendments in her life must understand this, rather than making her suppress her urge to do something worthwhile in her life rather than "doing new things in kitchen...."  for him (as the lyrics of a fairly new song suggests, which is totally sexist; the only compensation is that the other language version of the same song has a very non-sexist lyrics! By the way another song in the same movie tells you that you'll be remembered for what you do. So all ladies who want to be really remembered by the human race, follow your dreams, how hard they may be.) Otherwise after a while the bored woman will definitely break free and then you go on a spree to blame the woman directly or indirectly in the name of family. (Even then these men forget what they have demanded from the poor woman!!!)  This is the main cause of break up.

       In this country there are so many atrocities happening against women. Instead of creating a society safe for women, if you don't let women come out of the house (by making excuses that you are protecting them, in turn harming her in many other ways), you are becoming a part of weakening women deliberately. If you can't let go of your ego and let the woman be a free being even after marriage (for marriage is not a prison), better not dream about "owning" that woman! One cannot be immature and demand that everybody around him be mature or adjust to him. That's not a fair game at all from any angle. One can't do one thing in life and go out and tell the whole world to liberate the female spirit. Unless you are ready to do that yourself, you better not "love" and "own" a woman. For true love is not the woman sitting at home, it can also be the man understanding the woman who doesn't complain without her telling him that she has a fire inside her and not chaining her for his selfishness.


More to come....