Signatures

At first I thought that I won't write it and just savor this experience myself only. But then I felt that I should share it. Let me urge you all to watch the movie "How old are you?". I will not say anything about the story of the movie or what questions it poses, because it should be watched and experienced oneself. There are many questions asked very well and will make you retrospect and contemplate. But the feelings and thoughts the movie leaves in you are strong and pleasant. You can call it inspirational in all respects.

   Special hats off to the actress who followed her dream and decided to come back and do what she is the best at (and mind you she is very good at it :) ) and gave a smart punch on the face everybody who is clinging to cliches. This is not a movie to be  watched, savoured and forgotten, but really to be thought off and applied in our own lives. Don't miss this movie of all. It is worth watching and remembering. :)  

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Sometimes, you take your life for granted and live it without leaving anything to make people remember you for ever. And even if you have dreams, you always let them go for the "obvious things" in your life. This is for girls mainly, where they are taught that all their dreams should converge in love or in a happily married ever after. Either they should sacrifice their dreams for somebody else, or they should use their dreams as a means to find somebody. It is not for them that they should dream, they are often told and reminded, their dreams are just means to find them an eligible life partner. A partner who will "take care of them" for the rest of their lives. But what happens in that "happily ever after?"  The woman has to give up her dreams, is forced to live according to somebody else's standards and if she protests, she is called disobedient. 

  

     Is a woman designed to be a love-sex-motherhood-taking care of all-has no rights of her own machine? Isn't even the most educated woman in our society treated with the least amount respect in her own family? How many of you have heard that you have no value if you cross 25? That you will not be married by anybody if you are above 25? That you won't get a handsome husband if you are not married by 25? That the chances of "settling" in your life becomes rare because you are highly educated? But who wants to "settle" and be forgotten for ever? Infact the word "settle" is the worst word I have ever heard in my life. In life you cannot settle. You will settle only if you have no dreams. Only if you take your life for granted and think that food-shelter-salary-husband-children-family will bring you happiness in life. A paid job (only for those lucky women who even have a job) and a "loving family" only cannot satisfy yourself in your life. Because you are ultimately a human being.

      

      And I don't have to explain in too many words about the celebrated human species. Then why is it that all those exotic attributes of humanity can't be yours? Just because you are a woman? A woman has to fall into the monotony of all those prejudices and cliches the moment she crosses 15? Forgive me if 15 seems to be too high. May be I should say from the moment she is born or is a zygote. Everybody "advises" you not to do this, not to do that, because it will affect your prospects of having a happy married life. After long years of marriage, the husband starts despising his loving and caring wife who stopped her own life and moved in to some shadows, because he gets bored of her. Same in love. Why? Is it because you have made any mistake in loving them? Or because you have not given enough love and care to them? No it is not because of that. It is because you have stopped standing up for yourself, hoping to be taken care of. It doesn't matter who you are and where you have to stand up for yourself. You have to do it wherever you are supposed to. Not for anybody else, but for you. 

        And when you do that, the whole world will respect you. Including this selfish husband-lover-family who takes you for granted. You are not somebody who has to be lowered to the standards of a servant. Do you have to be? Think about it. What were your dreams when you were young? Do you have a passion? Do you miss it, if you have let go of it for the cliched things in your life? Do you feel that you were not brave enough to take them up and follow it? Do you miss being you? If so, then you have to bring it all back. You are not living a colourful life now. It is like an old dilapidated mansion. Either you renew it and break it and build a strong new one. Otherwise one day or the other it is going to collapse and no one will help you.

     There is something which I have to mention about the movie here. The protagonist retorts with a strong video on facebook to the funny jokes which were spread about her. But she makes a point about her being known as the President's guest and not some self proclaimed show of on facebook. Most of the time, you get disheartened when people make fun of you about doing something stupid in some great situation, but don't realise that none of these people who make fun of you did not have that opportunity at all. It doesn't matter even if you have behaved stupidly, but the point is to get up from there and move on and make a statement with your actions. 

     For that you have to dust your old dreams or that spirit which used to define you, which made others look at you with envy or awe and respect you. There is no point giving up your dreams for something else in your life and regretting it later on. And if you regret it, you should take some immediate action and do not live in hell for ever. Because you have only one life as you and to be known as you. You don't have to go to the end of universe to become achieve something in life. Doing something which you like and living life in your own terms will do. Glitz, glamour and love do not bring that satisfaction. Money cannot buy it. In fact like you earn it. Through your efforts and makes you feel good. 

     The movie reminded me of many women around me. Including myself. I can write about women including my mother, and some of my teachers whom in many ways I respect. But to write something which is known very well to me, I think I'll write about myself. This is not some self propaganda or boasting (please forgive me if I sound like that ).  But these are the experiences of a girl who wants to leave a mark and has been struggling for years since she set that goal. Probably all of you have such experiences. My birthday is after five days. I am nearing the  end of my tweens and have been told that I should  get married and "settle". I am being viewed as a freak by many people. Every time I meet some old friend or chat with someone, they ask "what about your marriage", "when are you getting married", "if you don't get married soon and enjoy your life now there is no point living it" and so on! People view me as a freak. My parents are worried about me. My relatives are concerned about me. 99% of my old classmates/ friends are married and have kids. I am the freak who made the "mistake" of following HER dream. What is that dream? The dream of being a scientist. 

      I knew exactly what to become when I was in school. I had no clear idea what to become till I was eight years old and that was the year in which I read about solar system for the first time. (At that time there were nine planets in the solar system. :) ) I fell in love with it. (I remember once, the director of CERN coming to our lab and asking "why did you choose science"? I wanted to tell the story about solar system, but didn't say it for some reason.) And since then I have been in love with science. I fell in love with it over and over again, reading a particular book made me realise that we should love nature. And I started loving nature and the creatures in it, then I fell in love with the moon, the stars the sky everything, and finally I fell in love with astrophysics. But before that I had fallen in love with the something unexpected ; "the nature of things". :) Also known as Physics. My life changed. I can't express how much I love this subject, how much I am passionate about it and how much I long for it! Probably that love is what has given me a definition over the years.  I wanted to be a physicist from 9th standard onwards. I loved everything else, I love English and Maths too, but my love for Physics is just more than that. Physics is not something where I scored more marks. But it is something which gives me the satisfaction that I can also do something. 

    And I was ready to do anything for my love. So I pursued my dream. I knew exactly that I didn't want to join any professional course, I wanted to learn Physics and wanted to be a scientist. The movie says, "Your dream is your signature". If that is so, I too have a signature, "scientist". That is what my friends in hostel used to call me. Then I fell unexpectedly in love with particle physics (that is a different story), but that rendezvous was made possible by my so called freaky nature! Had I not gone to that quiz competition alone in by BSc second year and not qualified to the final despite being the only member in my "team", I would never have heard about quarks which made me come till where I am now. I didn't win any prize that year, but it changed my life for ever. And to some extend people used to identify me! Next year also I went after my quizzing dreams and won many competitions. Now I must say that I was always one among the toppers in most of the places (how I became a topper from a stupid girl is another story). That used to make me happy as well as sad. 

        Happy because I used to feel that I can also do something.  It is not the name or fame which made me happy, but the simple fact that I was doing something which I liked the most. It didn't matter if I failed, but I was happy that I tried. The struggles become harder and harder as I grew up, there were times when I used to think why all troubles would come to me only, but then I realised that I can't be happy without these troubles. It is my choice, my life in my own terms. Had I chosen to live a complacent life, I could have, but that would simply be not me! And what used to make me sad was that every other fellow had a lover or partner who "loved them deeply" when I had none and probably made me feel like a loser! My mind used to get baffled by the fact that why I was the loser when everybody else was a winner. But later on I realised that being loved or taken care of (infact this "taken care of" is a phrase with double meaning) is not winning. Winning is still chasing your dream and taking care of yourself without anybody's help. What use is being "known" as Mrs.X's wife/lover/girlfriend or Mr.Y's daughter/sister/mother and be forgotten for ever if that is the only way to be known? I have got enough love and care from people for being my father's daughter. But that is because people like and respect him for what he does. Similarly being known as my mother's daughter (luckily I have that privilege) is only because she has done something in her life. But I want to be known as me. Unless you want to be known as yourself, you will never chase your dream. 

     

      And the moments in which you feel good about yourself, like the passport officer looking at your mark list and asking you about your education or a student you meet somewhere unexpectedly telling you that "I know you chechi, you were in our college union" or somebody asking you "are you not that girl who came for that quiz" cannot come unless you speak for yourself and stand for your dreams and strive to achieve them. We are all humans, we need something other than the bare minimum in our lives. And that comes only through our dreams. Everyone of us have our own. It may be science, arts, craft, music, acting, public service, travelling; anything. But if it is a good dream and will bring good to you and others, do not hesitate to follow it. There will be hurdles and times when you question yourself. But the whole point is to keep on trying. You never know what will change your life for good. Get out from that pit of boredom and start living. Because we all have to leave some signatures in this world, big or small, we should definitely leave a mark. :) 

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Rude - II

Everybody is being rude to me.

Is it just a bad feeling or a reality?

If it is real, I wonder what I have done,

To miff these people and be subject to their rudeness!

Why does everybody behave as if I am unwelcome?

Is because I am faulty or is it because they don't like me?

Why does everybody turn their heads as if they have gazed, 

Upon something which shouldn't be seen, 

On crossing paths with me? 

Why does nobody ask about me when I am far far away,

But talk to me only to ask about someone else?

Why does everybody behave as if I am a trouble maker?

When I always behave myself and be good? 

Why doesn't anybody bother to see me as a human, 

Who has feelings and breathe?

Why is everybody rude to me,

I wonder. Is it because I am not a bully like them?

Why does everybody try to isolate me?

Is it because they look upon as something evil?

I am not vile, nor somebody who spreads evil. 

Why is everybody so rude and selfish?

Is it because they are frustrated and has nothing better?

The questions swirled and swirled inside my head;

Making me go around with a with a face so sad. 

Why do people behave rudely? 

I thought and thought and thought 

And found an answer.

May be; they feel unloved; 

Or incompetent or insufficient, for themselves. 

May be they don't see them in the right light. 

May be they don't like how they look or what they do. 

May be they want an escape from the life they live.

But why forget about life when they live? 

That whomsoever they are and whatever they are not, 

Insecurities or superiority never made lives good. 

Hollow praises don't help, nor does rudeness.

They never made lives better or bright.

But only something bitter and tight. 

I thought and thought and thought,

And asked myself, "do I really care?"

And a small voice answered me,

"No I really don't". 

That somebody is rude to me or despises me.

Because they are nothing to me at all after all! 

And who cares who or what they are?

They are just somebody hanging around 

Trying to fix their lives by "brute force",

Let them do, and go their way, for no one else 

Really matters on a given day.

All that matters is what I want from my life, 

How I love myself, how well I know myself.

And I will have one person who will never leave me 

No matter what. Who will always ask about me wherever I am,

Who will both praise and reprimand me as and when needed.

Who will keep company in happy times as well as sad,

And will give me the courage to face the whole world,
Will make me dream , will make me act, 

Will make me myself;

And that is me.

Lost

Where are my goals?
Where are my ways?
Where are the beautiful
Dreams I dreamt?
Lost in the arid deserts
Of pain, I search for
Springs of hope in vain.

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You said it was not what I said,
I'm not sure what it was.
All I know is you left my side,
To go over to someone,
Without a goodbye.
So cruelly that it burned my heart,
Burned my soul, burned everything.
Ashes fly everywhere, numbing my senses,
Obscuring joy.

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Was it a bad dream or a harsh reality?
Whatever it is it is painful.
I wait and wait hoping,
You would realise and come back,
Bringing those days of spring and joy.
A small voice keep saying still,
That you won't be back, ever.

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Irreversible is what's happened.
'cause people don't travel back in time.
I am lost in the forward moving time,
Overwhelmed at what lays in front of me.
A vast lonely desert;
Will I ever cross this or will I just burn and die?
My hopes lost, my self lost,
I don't even realise I am alive.
The world is a blurr, the colours sharp
And happiness feels like a guilt.
I need a long sleep, unperturbed,
And dreamless, for my heart aches
And head hurts, I am lost;
Lost from myself and my life.
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Of love, romance, weddings and break ups - Part III : Quality and equality!

Somebody once told me that while loving people hide all their bad habits and pretend to be the best person in the whole world, but after marriage (the great love marriage) all those suppressed bad things come out and cause problems. This is very true. If the love is true, then you love the person with all his/her weaknesses (except the criminal weaknesses) and help them change in a constructive way if you can really help or else don't fall in this eternal loop of love at all! Quality definitely matters in love. Quality doesn't mean how flattering your lover is, or how many chocolates or red roses he has offered you. Or how hot the girl whom you like is. Quality means the extend to which the person is understanding, kind, caring and most importantly pure at heart. If a person has a pure heart they don't have to pretend to be anything they are not to be loved by someone.

       One word to all the girls who are madly in love with somebody. Please don't run away/marry or even be in love with the guy if you are a "goddess" and the guy a "human". Remember only gods truly love goddesses. When  I say "goddess" I mean a girl who is in some way better than a guy. Be it beauty or education or monetary status. Because given the patriarchal society (which an utter crap), the guy's ego is always blown up unnecessarily. Consider a girl marrying a guy who is highly educated compared to her. The girl sits at home and cooks for the guy. Nobody complaints and everybody is happy (or at least seems to be happy). Now imagine the same situation but with roles reversed. Will the lesser educated guy sit at home and cook and wash when the better educated you go for a highly paid job? No. Even if this impossibility happens, the society around the guy will blow up his ego and tell him stories about the girl and may even make up stories about her having an affair with a colleague of hers!! Do all these happen when the girl sits at home? No. The solutions to this are to demand a complete reform of the way society functions, and to work towards it, or to love and marry someone who is equally qualified (well we can't do anything about the scenarios where the girl and the guy are equally qualified and the girl gets more opportunities than the guy). If you can't find a fellow who is equally qualified, make sure that the guy is brilliant in something and knows what he wants in his life. Else it will create a lot of problems.

           Equal qualification can be education. Basically do not run away with an 8th grade pass if you are a post graduate (in fact I have seen many teenage girls being infatuated by rouge guys and eloping and ruining the rest of their lives). So girls please, if you feel that you are falling in love with a guy or that some guy is wooing you so hard that you feel that you are losing control of yourself and your future and are about to "fall" (literally fall) for him, stop and think a moment.
Think about yourself and what you want from your life. Do you have dreams and aspirations in your life? Then keep your eyes open to realities. Will this guy who is trying so hard to impress you support every single decision you take in your life after you two start living together? Or will he just say no to all those things about you which had actually impressed him so he started adoring you and trying to win your heart. Will he stay the same? Will he be true to himself and to you? Or will he be a tyrant who will just take away you from yourself and won't let you be what you are ever again? Or will he be a person who understands what you want from your life. Will he be the type of person who will work hard to achieve a goal in life? Will he be the one whom you can be proud of till the end of your life, or only till your marriage? Because immaturity never holds a marriage together.

         Again the matter of goddesses and humans is logical too. Unless the guy who actually adores the "goddess" is hard working and wants to go way ahead in life, there will always be that stark difference between the two. In the beginning this act of extreme adoration may be pleasing to you. But beware of the devil. We can't tell when the male ego will turn ugly. So it is better to analyse the guy first and then commit (otherwise it will be equivalent to committing suicide) to any relationship with him. Else it will be an utter waste of time and energy. If the guy is really a nice man then it is ok. (Again that is a probabilistic impossibility, so...) And that too only ok. The situation is ridiculous because the guy wasted his time wooing the girl and then doesn't have any idea about his life other than some stupid candy floss romance stuff, and enters a married life and declares himself as "the husband"! "The husband" attitude never works well. Infact the "macho man" attitude never works at all beyond the context of candy floss romance (where you pretend to be the protector/saviour/care taker of the girl whom you love; and how do you take care of her, by presenting her with red roses or chocolates or shower her with greeting cards and teddy bears; that doesn't work in married life at all). A man who really loves a woman will never try to chain her out of ego or possessiveness. Nor will he harbour any feeling of inferiority complex when he sees her. But it needs a really liberal mind (which I don't think most guys have, we can't blame them completely too, they are all cast in the same mold :( ) or striving mentality (the mentality that one should achieve something memorable in life) by a guy to even try to be that understanding.

       If you plunge yourself into a love marriage without any idea of the real life it may actually end up bitterly. Many things which  you have tried out and which worked in your love life will not work in the married life. Like when you were lovers you tried to get the guy/girl by making him jealous by flirting with someone else. If you think that all these teen/tween stuff is still going to work, sorry you can walk out of the relation. Trust and understanding are more important than I'll make my husband/wife come back to me by making him/her jealous. If anyone has done any mistake, be it the guy or the girl, accepting it (shunning your ego) and trying to mend it is far better than any silly stuff you have tried and have succeeded in achieving "results" with, in your love life.

      Every relation needs adjustments. If women can adjust men can adjust too. And there is nothing wrong with trying your best to adjust (unless the situation is too bad to adjust or tolerate) if you really really love your husband/wife whom once you loved so much that you decided to love together. Then walking away from a relation without even trying is like buying a high end mobile phone just because the OS of your high end phone crashed and you don't even bother to take it to a service shop where it will actually be made usable again!  Relations are not high end mobiles (well may they are like, because you can't buy another one if you can't to get another one) that you can get a substitute as and when you please. Nobody should give up without trying earnestly. Be that about maintaining a relationship (well relationships can be utterly illogical and unlike career struggles in that despite all the earnest trials they break) or be it about building up a career of your choice. People try hard "to get that person" as their partner before the love marriage, then why can't  they try "to be with that person" after this love marriage? There was love. Wasn't there? Or was it just smoke and no fire?