Monday, March 28, 2011


I hope nobody found the first part of the story drowsy (though it is an invalid hope :) ; well even I felt a little bored reading it; felt like I was washing old useless clothes. :) ) because it was extremely long. What I forgot to write in it is about the name he gave me. After hearing that I used to call one of my friends "Kuttoos" he Christianed me as Kuttoos and later re-Christianed me as Kuttoo! [Ot of craziness I had named one of my 16GB pendrives "Kuttoo" and I lost it. It was indication that I had lost him. ;)


Now there comes a transition period of my life, I was going far away from my home and going to stay so far away from my home as I never had and the day to set out came.

There came your sms on the eve of my journey. "Kuttoo have you started packing?" And on my "J-day" u wished me good luck. I was going to the city of dreams. The city where people go to fulfil their dreams.Like Aisha of Wake up Sid said, I loved that city not only because it is that city; not only because my relatives were there; but also because I had some special person to share my experiences with. Though we were miles apart from each other, we used to connect everyday, talk everyday over the phone. I still remember our talks which would span for atleast an hour after I came home and before I took bath. You too were in a new place, (though it happened for him earlier than for me), u too were doing course work like me. But nothing else had changed. Those chats, conversations, gn sd ck sms... Nothing.

  I never used to call u after 23.00hrs. But on the day of my fresher's party, I returned by the later bus and we talked from 00.00hrs to 02.00hrs. I had never phoned anybody so late (still u remain the only person to whom I've ever talked so late on phone). We talked about our childhood, grandparents, books.... It was a memorable conversation. But all this time I had never complained that it was me who was always calling, I never did, because I've a post paid sim and I didn't want our conversation to be broken in between.

You used to tell many stories about urexperiences (sorry if I sound like the heroine of a sop serial) one about an incident when u walked alone to the beach to get alcohol illegally at midnight! ( I still doubt the authenticity of the story). Once u told me about how well he could sleep in his new hostel with open window and fan in full speed. Once about a paper u were trying to solve, but couldn't because the author had a term positive which u were obtaining as negative (the story goes like this after being unable to get the +ve term u wrote to the author and found out that you were right; finally proved ki tumhe maths aata hai).U used to tell about the new books u had bought, ueven told me that u had bought a book for me and would send it to me soon. (I spent one year waiting for those books which never came! Later I bought that book for myself and till today I was unable to proceed beyond a chapter. That book happens to be Catch 22.) When u had ur paper sent back from the correction committiee, u phoned me and asked me an assurance whether it would be published or not (the story ends with the paper being published after u told me off and I found out about it myself, because u never told me about its publication; no complaints). One day u called me and told me that he couldn't locate ur new Titan watch and ATM card. [I don't know whether u managed to find them or not.] One day you made a proclamation "Kuttoo I made a legendary shave today!"

Anyway these were only demonstrations for how we used to communicate, (or things u used to tell me) I won't use the word "got closer" because that will defy the truth that u didn't consider me as ur friend. One day I noticed my heart panicking while talking to u. Incidently we were talking about marriage and our respective mothers' attitudes abt it. U told "My mom wants me to get married to the girl she chooses. I have told her that she can find a girl and arrange and tell me on that day." [Well u are a "brave boy" who always told me that u never cared for what his parents did to him, he even complained that his mother cried on the day when she left him in hostel for higher studies. Yes u too had creid, but only very little.]

On that day I understood that I really liked U. I was scared to tell u directly for fear of losing you, so I sent u a coded message, telling "ITTIHSLU" = I Think That I Have Started Liking U. U understood the message. [I don't know whether U were expecting it or not.] I sent u two more coded sms, one of which ue decoded wrongly. Well code or decode, I still remember that night when I was standing on the window in my bedroom, in darkness,facing the distant overbridge lit up with sodium vapour lamps, wearing a blue frock which I liked vey much, with wind playing with my open hair. I was so happy and also confused and guilty that I was doing a wrong thing. I had even asked u abt that.

That was the second sms. "IDKWIDROW" = I Don't Know Whether I'm Doing Right Or Wrong. Ur answer. "There's nothing wrong with liking a person."

Why did you give that answer? After that you moght have told me many times, that you never liked me, that you never gave me false hopes? Weren't you giving me the biggest false hope when you told me that? You told me that you are also confused, but you were also applying reason as in reason. I was searching for a reason? Was it because we are still students? Or because we belong to two different cultures or languages? Or was it something else? But I had done the biggest mistake of my life. I had told him what I felt about him. And I was persistent in it. I'm sorry I ever persisited. I thought I had the right to do so. Had you openly given me a big "NO" with a valid reason, I would never have persisted.

But what did you do? You brought in a third person who happened to be my friend and I don't know whether you had prompted what she told me, but she told me terrible things no girl would ever like to hear in her life. I was reduced to the std of a characterless girl. And what did she say? That she was possessive abt you. Didn't I ask you whether  I had to step out? What did you say? There's nothing btw us. And you know what? A following chat with her made me very sad and I had to scold some of my friends for their supposed reactions about me! It made my relations with them strained. And when I told you about this, what did you say? That you became my friend because you happened to come to know about their comments about an "innocent girl" like me and was sympathetic about it and the person who had informed u abt this was the same friend of yours who happened to be with them making fun of me. Whom should I trust? You? Them? Her?

U used to reply all my smses because you were feeling sympathy towards me all the time. The people who had supposedly made fun of me were better than you. Atleast they didn't "make friends out of sympathy" and behave like you are a use and throw object.

What followed were hard days. Your sms reduced to mere gn and chats were short but we were still in our chatship. But the mental pain u gave me was driving me mad to the point that I would call you many times a day and you wouldn't pick them up, instead you labelled me as obsessed with you. It all started on Diwali of 2009, but still you talked to me on Feb14,2010.For what?

U had a new year resolution in ur mind that u would never talk to me. Why? Why couldn't u like me? U didn't have a girlfriend, or did U have? I don't know. But I gave U an idea that I would stop loving U if u proved that uhad a girl firend,[ because I'm not a girl who likes to snatch away other people's belongings]. After that u proved it. Now u have a gf. But all this time I was being broken, smothered, humiliated, and I don't know what else. I almost went mad, to the point that I started thinking about hurting myself (which I'll never do, because it will cause inconvenience to people around me). I used to cry silently at nights, used to stay awake till 02.00, waiting for a chance to hear ur voice.

Do I sound like a person without self respect? Because what u put forward as excuses for hating me {ur masterpieces being "I used to care; but now I don't"} were :
1) I didn't have self respect,
2) I was interseted in nothing but gossip,
3) I had nothing better to do than to dwell upon love affair!

I forgot one thing. By this time u had blocked me on facebook, orkut and buzz. But you never stopped following my blog. Again lame excuse "Joining a blog is a way to express friendship." Which friendship? The one you broke? Like one of my friends said, u could hit sixers, I couldn't hit even a single.

I don't know how people transform like this? Each and every day starting from Diwali day of 2009 top this moment has been painful. I don't know how I'm managing to laugh and live. Now I'm sure U really have a gf. U had told me abt her earlier but I didn't believe. You told me to think abt how she felt while I was "torturing you" and that she is unhappy abt it. Why should I be the person who should be considerate? Didn't I have pain? Was I happy about all those?

  And even in that you lied to me. Were you afraid of me? You said one girl's name and it turned out to be another girl I had thought. Why would I disrupt anybody's life eventhough he had hurt me a lot? I don't know what lies you might have told her to acquire her. Probably u might have used our strained relation as a catalyst to acquire her sympathy and love; u might have told her that I was a cruel villain trying to destroy ur happiness and torturing u a lot. Fine. I don't complain. I don't have to show my self respect in front of anybody to get loved, nor do I want to use tricks to make somebody love me.Why I'm so sad is because u never told me the truth. U never showed me the courage to tell the truth one on one to me fearing (that is the excuse (again) u gave me) that I would be sad.

Am I not sad now? Yes of course I'm sad now. U wanted "stepping out gracefully", but I fought for a lost love till I could, with you. I'm leaving it behind at this point, because the tube light in my head has started glowing. I was always blind, it was me who had always loved, not you. You never loved me, u don't nor will u. You considered me as your puppet which u thought wouldn't complain if u threw away after playing with it. But the puppet was a live girl of flesh and blood. U didn't understand me. Otherwise U would never have called me as a person without self respect.

Well now U r happy, I'm sad, but life goes on. Probably I'll laugh over this after ten years. I wish I could laugh over this just now. I can't be sad all the time. Not because it  is mentally exhausting, but it is physically exhausting in that it makes you cry, which in turn makes your eyelids swell and catch headache along with cold, though shedding tears means flowing lots of lysozyme and disinfecting your eyes ( I think my eye infection has reduced considerably after crying on Sat and Sun nights). I don't want to take revenge upon anybody, nor do I want to complain anybody, love is not something you acquire by force, nor is it worth acquiring from a person who lied/lies/will lie to you all the time.

I'm so fed up of love that I've decided to spend my life as a spinster, thanks to you. Also it taught me the lesson that no matter how true you stay to a love, it will never happen over the cyberspace. Love always needs presence. I wished for ur presence; that was the fault I made. U need the presence of ur love. That's why u fly home every month; to meet her. But the most important lesson it gave me is this:

Heart definitely breaks. But it can always be recast; like broken glass. In the same mold. :)