Wednesday, February 3, 2016

My share of loneliness

I want my share of loneliness,
Away from all the madding crowd,
A moment of silence
When I don't have to answer phone calls,
Ringing incessantly leaving me 
No room for thought.

I want my share of loneliness 
When people don't tell me 
"Do this, do that, don't do" and all;
And expect me to fit the bill, 
A bill to fit in and pretend that I belong.

I want my share of loneliness,
When I am left alone, 
For myself, be it a life 
Happy or sad, but mine only.
When people do not expect me
To be a dutiful person, so dutiful 
That they expect me to bear everything 
Silently despite their hurtful words or actions.

I want my big share of loneliness
Which was endowed upon me, 
By envious, jealous or just cruel 
People who used to remind me 
"You are none of us, you don't belong".
It hurt back then, but as time went, 
Loneliness became my biggest companion, 
That loneliness which protected me 
From people who would judge me,
And spit fire upon me.

I really want my loneliness back,
The pristine loneliness when 
I could live my life my way, 
Choosing what I liked, discarding the rest.
I miss my great loneliness, 
Eventhough it would pull me to depths 
Of dearth and despair, at times.

Still there was a goal, lonesome 
But satisfying, challenging 
But interesting, silent yet eloquent, 
Leading me up that path to what I was seeking.
Where is it now? Oh! Have I lost perspective?

I seek that silence in my heart,
But all I can hear are hollow words,
Ringing in my ears, "you are selfish", 
"You are cruel", "you are worthless", 
"You are not welcome", "get out",
"You are arrogant", "you are heartless",
"You ruin our lives", "you ruin our peace",
"You should do this", "you shouldn't do that",
"You shouldn't let anybody down", 
"Fit the bill 'cause you are a female",
"You have no right to choose a life of yours",
"You have no right to pursue your dreams",
"'Cause so much is socially expected out of you",
"Like how you dress, how you talk, how to "endure"",
"Without complaints", "you can't stand up and speak",
"For yourself 'cause you are a woman", "your life doesn't matter",
"'Cause you are a woman", "you should toil for others", 
"To "take care of everybody"", "you have no right to take care",
"Of yourself 'cause you happen to be a woman", "you should be",
"Selfless and giving and should close your eyes and ears",
"To the abuses towards you and the mistakes a man commits",
"'Cause you happen to be a woman and men cannot change",
"You can't live alone because "you have to be taken care of"", 
"Your education does not matter, you are a slave", 
"Your opinion does not matter, 'cause I am the alpha",
"You can never be smarter than me, 'cause you are a woman",
"I will shower abuses on you and tarnish your name if you"
"Are appreciated, 'cause you are a woman and smarter than me";

And so on goes those hollow words and actions, 
Which keep ringing in my head. 
I am fed up;
Fed up of everything, every single thing expected 
Out of me and imposed on me.
I simply do not want to bear anymore
Because it seems I have lost myself, 
And my dreams. Where is that person
Who always would keep me company?
I can't find herself in a mirror, 
My face looks unfamiliar,
My thoughts nonexistent.
Have I lost myself among 
All those peripheries?
I want to ask all those hollow voices;
"Why can't you just leave me alone?
Am I ruining your peace of mind? 
Then why can't you leave me in peace?"

I need silence and 
My big fat share of loneliness,
To pour these voices and useless
Mundane "problems" of "life"
Down the drain and go on, 
Find me again, to live my life,

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