Giving up

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I started writing this last August, but left it unfinished. After 8 months I am trying to finish it. 

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August 2025 :  I quit my job! Yes; I - a non-quitter, the beacon of perseverance finally quit a job! Not that it was permanent; it would have ended months later anyway. Not that I have anything planned for my life after quitting. Still I quit - almost as an impulsive decision and regretted it for almost two weeks after quitting. Not because everything was going fine in the said job and my chosen career. But I realised that I will miss something I love the most in my life. That's how it has always been. First I quit loving. Now a job which might have given me a feeble opportunity at having a so called academic career. Still I quit and honestly I am very surprised I did! So surprised to the point that I am wondering what has come over me that I did such a "drastic" thing in my life!  

     I am trying to find the reasons of why I quit. Is it because of the realisation that I will never even get a permanent job despite working as a post doc for almost ten years now? Or is it because of the realisation that no matter what remarkable things I do in my career, I will never get any recognition for it because I am a woman? Or is it because I feel like a slave toiling away at the cost of my own physical and mental health, while some people who are capable of networking are given praise and positions whereas I am constantly overlooked (again also because I am a woman and a woman of colour)? Or is it because I was given two bad choices only - the choice of living as a jobless single woman who has to face taunts about not having a man in her life or not being a mother (as if these are the only greatest achievement even a modern woman can have 😒) or of living in a far away land in a toxic living situation, with no opportunity to travel and be able to fulfill the minimum requirements of my very demanding career? A career where I am constantly judged on the basis of how many conferences I have attended, how many talks I have given in international conferences, how many grants and awards I have received and so on. It is quite unfair that a woman who had to struggle in the first place to reach where she is, is forced to face bad situations again and again and is driven to the point where her only options are to either take her own life because living with dignity is no longer a right or to chose the less worse option out of two really bad situations. So for the past few years I had been making choices to literally escape a life of torture from people who are still stuck ideologically in dark ages despite living in a modern world. And the places available to escape were those which would make me feel virtually imprisoned and stagnated in my career. 

        But then I realised that whatever choice I make, I will never escape the perils of being a woman - my gender will always come in the way of my success in life. Had I been a man, everything would have fallen on my lap just like that. I would have had a career handed over to me on a golden platter. I would have been given leadership positions, name, fame - whatever I could ask for. But no. I am a woman who had to fight patriarchy to pursue a career which dreamed she would have one day. A woman who instead got robbed off her dreams and is being chucked out of the system. No matter how much ever I love my subject, my opportunities to keep loving it will always be temporary. My freedom to love it with all my heart is restricted by the academic and general society because of my gender. I will never get a permanent job as an academic. I will never win the rat race of grants, leadership positions and whatnot. When I was young, being a scientist was all about seeking the truth about Nature. But nobody told me that seeking truths about the Nature can sometimes occur in corporate settings. Do I love Nature? Yes I do. Do I think I will pass every criteria humans have set up to be in a position to learn about Nature further? No. 

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March 2026 : So many things have happened in the months in between. I came home and started "working" as a volunteer (i.e a person without salary) from home in the feeble hopes of keeping my dying academic career alive. Ah! I have fallen from a virutually imprisoned person who was being denied growth and opportunities to a slave who is literally in the dungeons. Meanwhile some of the job applications I had applied to, sent perfunctory rejections months after they had selected their favourite candidates. A not so prestigious institute in India cannot hire a person working 3 international particle physics collaborations. The rejection letter shouldn't have upset me. But it did. Because it reminded me off all the rejections and reopened the wounds that I have been trying to heal. And I realised that rejection from a not so desirable job also can hurt one! And the self talk starts - "I am too old; my career is over; I am a failure". And combined with being stuck at home as a jobless person, who will turn 40 this year, I have been feeling lately that my career is over.  People who are concerned are only able to offer post doc positions only. Yet another post doc after 10 years. That makes me wonder what sin have I committed in my life to be treated like this in academia. 

    I have been thinking of changing careers. Discussions with friends about transitioning to industry. But I still haven't done anything in that direction. Deep down I know the reason for that. I still love this subject too much. And that one thought - that if I, a woman leave this field, that is one less woman in a field that already has less number of women and which is notorious for chucking women out of the system. So here I am waking up everyday, working for 3 hours (the truth is that it goes beyond 3 hours anyway) per day as a volunteer as per the contract chasing something that will never reward me anything in the end. Can I go and participate in the 30th anniversary celebration of the experiment I work in? No. Can I go to the collaboration meeting of the other experiment I am working on. No. So basically I am left at a place where people exploit me and squeeze all work out of me and yet all accolades, opportunities, leadership positions and what not are given to the so called "young blood". 

    I have never in my life participated in what people call as "pennu kaanal". Where a woman of a certain age is paraded in front of a bunch of people with idiotic and retrograde ideologies in the name of marriage. Where women are judged by entitled men and the accompanying slaves of patriarchy. No never. But, what I am forced to endure as a job applicant in academia is the exact academic version of this "pennu kaanal". I write my application, write proposals, update my CV (ah yes, even when I am unemployed my CV gets updated - I don't even know for what) and endure the indignation and submit it. Only to be judged by faceless "referees" who look at my age and say that I am too old (just like the slaves of patriarchy who deem a woman to be too old in a marriage market - wonder why it is a called a "market") to be hired. And other standards that are similar to the impossible beauty standards that are being forced upon women even in this age. Just like people say that a woman is "too thin", "too fat"; her hair "too long", "too short", "too curly"; her skin tone "too dark", a list of academic "beauty standards" exists. 
 

"1) Applicant is too old for this post . 
 

2) Applicant has never won a grant previously. So we cannot give her this grant. 
(So I want to ask that panel of referees some questions. Will you deny admission to a three year old in LKG because they don't know how to read or write? Or will you enroll the child in a school and give it the proper education it deserves? Or will you deny food to someone who is starving because they have never eaten before? There is a limit to being illogical.) Somebody has to give me a grant for the first time! If you don't give me that grant in the first place what right do you have to pass such idiotic comments on me?   

3) Applicant has only won local prizes (this was one of the most egregious comments I have received). 

4) Applicant has not attended an international conference in the past 2 years. Why? Because the bureaucracy in the country of the said grant does not issue temporary residence permit on time even for scientists who are classified as highly skilled workers.  Also because nobody is there to support me when it comes to nominations for talks in "prestigious" international conferences because my blood is not young. :/ 

5) Some hires who reject are so sure that I will continue to contribute to this field (with an empty pockets and with no health care when I literally am harming my body and mind in the name of succeeding in a non existent career). 

6) Some jobs will hire people only if they were convenors in their respective experiments. Ah! That means I will never get a job because convenership is  only given to young blood in certain collaborations. I am not a leader, but only a worker bee who is disposable. (How I read this attitude- "she is a mere woman from a third world country (which was our colony long ago). What right does she have to be a leader? She is a slave, she is a worker and has no value. She is a dumb person who is just there to fill the diversity quota and has no real intelligence. Who is she to become someone, let alone be intelligent? What does her contribution and hard work matter? She is not worthy or anything. She is disposable. Her labour is valueless. She has no right to have a career in this field.") 

7) I am "not good enough" to be even called for a job interview in so called prestigious institutes.  

  People enjoy the fruits of my labour and never acknowledge me. All I am left with is unemployment and mental agony because of being at the receiving ends of sexism, racism, ageism and every other shorter ends of sticks. What I refused to face in a marriage market, I am being forced to face in my chosen career path. 

Which brings me to the other point. There was a time when I was willing to love someone and "fall" in love. But then what happened? I was never loved. I was always rejected. "Why don't you cut your hair and lose your weight?" Such were the comments I used to hear. At 30 then I decided that I will never love anyone in my life ever again. That is something I gave up because hoping to find true love one day was doing me more harm than good. As a 30 year old I learnt not to waste my time and mental energy in people who would never love me back. I think I am learning a similar thing as a soon going to be 40 millenial woman - i.e not to waste my time, physical and mental health (very important as a person who is aging) on a career where I will never be appreciated let alone be given a permanent job. It broke my heart 10 years ago and made me a person devoid of any feelings 10 years ago. It breaks my heart to teach myself to detach from something I have loved so deeply since high school. The realisation that not everyone is given an opportunity to make a mark in this world is heartbreaking. Yes. I too had got fascinated with physics and the physicists as a high schooler. I too wanted to become a scientist. And when I became one, I realised that I am not welcome here at all. Because just like I don't fit any beauty standards that is expected out of women and will never be loved by anyone, I don't anything to fit the unreasonable standards of academia.

  So difficult as it is, I have arrived at a very hard and painful decision after taking into account the realities that I have been facing. I am not going to get a permanent job in academia at all. Infact I will be 40 in two months. Nothing is going to happen within the next two months that will give me some hope about a career as a Physicist. So to stay true to my decision, I will quit Physics forever after my 40th birthday. It will be heart wrenching, tear inducing and what not. But nevertheless I may find peace and may find something to pursue for the next 10 years so that I can leave that thing when I am 50... 

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"Sookshmadarshini" a haunting social commentary

 I am supposed to be working. Yet I can't help writing this because watching "Sookshmadarshini" has shaken me so much. If you are someone who has already watched it then you will understand why this movie is so haunting. If you are someone who hasn't watched it already you must watch it before reading this. This is not a review but some thoughts the movie evoked in my mind. 

   The movie is a mystery thriller where a very "nosy" woman solves a crime. I liked this movie even more because of how it makes a social commentary without being preachy but just depicting how cruel the mentality of the people who perpetrate such crimes are. Also the fact that the network of women which people usually dismiss as "gossipy" (paradooshanam) and useless is the one which aids to solve the case and bring justice to other women who were victims of a hate crime. 

    So if you have watched it, you already know that the crime is an "honor" killing. Let me remind you that there is no honor in any honor killing and those who take part in such activities should be held accountable by the justice system. Now, we live in a country where we hear about caste based honor killings. There have been countless instances where parents kill their own children to "preserve honor". Because "honor" is so fragile that it will break if a person marries someone from another caste. So in a society where love between two heterosexual people is viewed as forbidden because of caste even in the 21st century, it is obvious that if someone is queer and chooses to live their life as they please (in a country which struck down section 377 in 2018), they will be killed by a cruel family who only care about "honor".  (All these when any form of discrimination is unlawful. So the perpetrators are not just cruel but unwilling to respect the rights given to a human being by law.)

     That is exactly the theme of "Sookshmadarshini" and the revelation hits you hard. And it does it in a very non dramatic way which is very relatable. The victim of the gruesome crime in the movie is a young woman which makes it even more painful. Even if you are not a queer person but someone who has chosen to live your life and preserve your independence this movie scares you and makes you wonder if a similar plight will befall you. 

    Assume you are a cis hetero woman, but still wants to live your life as a single person. The society will get uncomfortable because it just views you as a brainless object of pleasure and a reproduction machine. So the patriarchal society which is used to submissive women will view you as a threat. You think that your "near and dear" people will support you. But no, they are first ones to deny you your rights and freedom. By being single you are not harming anyone, if you are financially independent you are not living at anybody else's expense. Then ideally you should be able to live your life according to your personal choices. If you are a person who doesn't want to marry and fall into the family business you have that right. If everyone around you accepts that and decides to live their own lives (in which you are not interfering) then the world would be a harmonious place. But patriarchy wants to control women's lives and bodies. So a woman who wants to live alone is a "threat" and a "matter of shame" for the "family". So her parents and family decide to kill and dispose of her.

     Does this sound scary? It does to me. It should sound scary to you also, especially if you are someone who will not put up any facades and will live a life honest to yourself. It should sound scary to people of any gender, any sexuality or any age. This will sound scarier to millenials and gen Z who aspire to live their lives freely compared to the older generations who are eager to control their lives. The premise of "Sookshmadarshini" was a hateful parent and close family blinded by "shame" deciding to kill the daughter because of her sexuality and the fact that she chose to live true to herself. Living true to oneself can be anything. It may be not wanting to marry and conform, it may be deciding to go childless and not conform, it may be living together with someone whom you love or trust, it may be choosing a partner (see choosing a partner on your own is a "shame" in an over controlling society like ours). It may be merely reminding your family that they cannot control you who are an adult. (Nobody has the right to control children either. By control I mean misuse of power and abuse by parents and other guardians.)  

      Where is the guarantee that our parents with old conservative, restrictive, divisive and cruel "values" won't kill us because they perceive us as "shame"? What is the guarantee that parents of independent people won't kill them because no matter what one achieves in life the parents cannot let go of their ego and rotten values and choose to side with evil rather than humanity, because they "evaluate" you only based on their outdated system? There is no guarantee.

   That is why "Sookshmadarshini" is so haunting. The victim in that movie is a very relatable young woman. That woman is many of us. Those who have a career, those who travel, those who are fashionable, those who have instagram accounts, those who live an urban life, those who won't be beaten down to conform, those who have endured abuse from others yet declared their freedom and escaped the evil clutches of an abusive family. And yet that evil family kills her for "honor". 

    This brings me back to my earlier point. Even if you are a straight person but non conforming to other things you are in a similar danger. So it makes one ask "what makes the parents and family become so evil; what "value" system did they grow up?" "What "values" and ideologies were they fed? How humane are they even when they may be educated and wealthy?" "Are education and wealth good indicators of understanding of rights of others?" 

      Say for example if you are someone who is very educated but believes in the arguments against reservation then it is an indication that you may not care about those who suffer because of unjust inequalities in the society. Within our own country if you are someone who discriminates people based on their caste and religion it clearly shows that they are incapable of viewing others as humans too. They are still stuck up in the old days where feudalism and discrimination prevailed and humans were ill treated. If a person discriminates based on color and race it shows that they are still stuck up in their colonial mentality despite living in a very modern world. 

      It also makes you ask the question whether their education truly opened their minds and made them accept that every human has human rights and nobody can meddle with that. And another question is how can someone think that they can control other people? What makes some people think that others should "obey" them no matter what. Else they would abuse the hell out of those who don't and even kill them. Who gave them the power to think that they have power over other people? Why do they even feel the need to control others' lives? The main answer is "patriarchy". 

        If we say that "patriarchy is the root of all social evils" it will not be an exaggeration. It is patriarchy which dictates what people should do with their bodies at what age, who can control the bodies and lives of whom and so on. Patriarchy is a cult. Without a specific cult leader but preached and sustained by benefactors who are unwilling to accept their follies and give up their wrong ways. It has created this situation that it approves and gives social currencies to people who conform but ostracizes those who don't. For example in a society which is hell bent on denying the fact that women have their own rights and choices, if a woman stays single her parents start torturing her, because every of their peers' daughters were married off! So a single woman is "a matter of shame". Any woman who has autonomy over her own life is a "shame" for such parents because they cannot get any social currency from the other people.

       "Log kya bolenge?" "Mattullavar enthu parayum?" "What will others say?" - is the sole guiding principle of our families! They don't care what you have to say about your own life. The problem is there even when you are someone who doesn't give a damn about what others say.  All your family and society cares is "What will others say?" And who are these others? They are people who are conditioned by patriarchy and torture their own families by saying "what will others say". The whole array of these people who only care for the ignorant opinions of "others" but do not have the guts to stand up and take the right action at the right time are the ones cementing and upholding social evils. 

      I will tell you what sensible people from every generation will say. "By bothering too much about what others will say, you are actually contributing to social evils."  In other words, you should get rid of your discriminatory attitudes and biases and broaden your mindset and learn to accept humans as humans. But then there are "families" who accuse sensible members who call out their bad practices that they are trying to "destroy the family" and that "someone is trying to sabotage the family" (which sounds uncannily similar to the arguments used by populists when someone points out their mistakes). (So clearly there are cases where the parents in a family are so corrupt that they are unwilling to change their bad mentality even when others can see clearly that they are cruel.) This also means that patriarchy not only encourages cruelty, but also causes delusions in those who believe in it. To the extend that someone is ready to kill another person without any remorse.

     One cannot even imaging the depth of cruelty a parent must possess if they are "honor" killing their children. How can someone's honor depend on somebody else?  Your children are not your puppets. They are living, breathing creatures with their own lives. If your children are adults then you cannot control them. (The thing is that nobody ever controls their alcoholic, misogynistic or criminal "children", they only control children who understand the right ideologies, do the right things in life and mind their own business!) Sure you can be a faulty parent. But that does not entitle you to kill another person because you are blinded by some false pride and meaningless "shame" from your patriarchal conditioning. 

      Whether it is caste discrimination, queer phobia or misogyny, as long as generations of people do not learn to broaden their minds and accept others as humans, "honor" killings will happen. The Malayalam word is apter for it "durabhimaanakkola". "Durabhimaanam" means "false pride". Because the false ideologies and boost to egos allotted by faulty belief systems result in a false sense of pride which is too fragile. Because that "pride/honor" breaks if someone chooses to deviate from such evil belief systems and live their own lives in their own ways. I won't say that family is everything to a person. But a family, especially parents killing their own children in the name of "honor" is one of the most heartbreaking and twisted scenarios one can ever imagine. (As if there are not enough twisted scenarios where people are harmed.) It is not just an imagination or a movie plot, but a real possibility for many of us. Hence "Sookshmadarshini" will continue to haunt forever.      

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   PS : The real shame are the parents and family committing honor crimes blinded by hate, propelled by stupid ideologies. The real shame is on them for believing that some imaginary thing is above someone's life. 

PPS :  If the people from a younger generation started basing their "honor" on whether their parents provide them with luxury items, popularity on social media platforms (follower counts) and so on and started killing those who did not meet those criteria because those parents were causing "shame", would it look fine?  (Does it sound like some impossible apocalyptic world?) Then how is it acceptable that parents base their "honor" on stupid ideologies which discriminate against humans and kill their children? (This is the reality we are living in.) 

PPPS : What are the legal and justice system going to ensure the safety of people at risk from these scenarios? How are these systems going to protect vulnerable people?

     In short there is no honor in "honor" killings. And as humans we should just live and let live.

One month 3 movies - Episode 1 "Dune 2"

     Do I write about these movies when they are still fresh in my mind or do I contemplate even more and write later? May be I should write now, because I want to write how these three movies made me feel. So I watched 3 movies within in a month in 2024, "Dune 2" on the last day of February, "Oppenheimer" last week and "Aadujeevitham" yesterday. "Oppenheimer" was from last year, but I got to watch it this year only. These movies were "heavy", dark and/or depressing, but they all belong to the category of "must watch in a theatre". Here I am with a not so light heart sitting and going to write about how these three brilliant movies may be connected to each other at some level and why everyone must watch them. Let us start from Episode 1 "Dune 2". Shall we? 

 

/*------------------------------------ Episode 1 - DUNE part 2 ----------------------------------------*/

Disclaimer - Have some spoilers read only after watching. 

      My introduction to DUNE was quite unexpected. In 2021 my then supervisor and we went to a multiplex in Geneva to watch DUNE part 1. And my goodness I was blown away! At that time I was unaware of the fact that Dune was based on a book series and had been made into series prior to that.
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dune_(franchise) ) Dune definitely had a Star Wars like quality (i.e like Episodes 4, 5, 6) and was visually stunning with a complicated and excellent background score. While watching some scenes I was thinking "this scene looks like a painting!", especially the death of Duke Leto Atreides. Then there was the near closing scene where Paul smiles at Chani... 

       The most remarkable thing about Dune is that the Fremen wear the "stillsuit"
(https://dune.fandom.com/wiki/Stillsuit) so that they recycle their own body water and can survive the harsh desert conditions. I will not describe too much, because I have not read the books yet so I feel a bit under-qualified to talk on this topic.

Another aspect of "Dune" is that it is an extremely "good-looking" movie (with very famous cast members). Ofcourse the protagonist of this movie is extremely handsome (Timothée Chalamet). Then ofcourse Zendaya. Then Oscar Isaac, Rebecca Ferguson, Jason Momoa, Javier Bardem (you can't help remembering "Skyfall"), Josh Brolin (who doesn't look like Thanos anymore), Dave Bautista (who also doesn't look like Drax the Destroyer) and many other famous actors and actresses. The good looks are not limited to the cast though, each frame of Dune was stunning. If you are someone who loves photography you will understand why. Plus the logo of  this new "DUNE" series by Denis Villeneuve (yes, that Denis Villeneuve who directed "Arrival") is brilliant - an almost palindorome.

     So when a friend asked me the next day how Dune was, my response was "Timothée Chalamet is so handsome and this is a cult movie to be viewed in a theatre." Apart from all these, "DUNE" is interesting to neutrino physicists because there is actually an experiment which abbreviates to "DUNE". People were saying that "oh look they have a movie named after their experiment". Ofcourse "dune" can mean anything from sand dunes to the name of a book. :) 

I have still not read this book series, but now, I understand to a small extend why this story is important and significant. I got to know about this from a TED-ED video https://youtu.be/yhYU4ZbLmmk?si=lr-xbm8--3krTAxR. You will partly realise this analogy while watching the movie also, i.e, spice is like oil and the story of Dune is not far from what has happened in the name of oil. You will figure out that there are serious themes like exploitation of natural resources, colonization, how charisma and religion can create narratives to control people and so on. To understand these themes we may have to read the books carefully and understand more history and think carefully. But even a viewer who has not read the books and gone down that rabbit hole, you still can identify the similarities of the story with the world we live in.This brings me to Dune part 2. 

      How I watched Dune 2 in a theater is a bit funny. After a week of torturing myself in the name of teaching and not going anywhere, I badly needed a break. So I knew that I had to go somewhere and decided to go shopping. But I also knew that Dune was releasing on the same day and had been contemplating watching this movie. There was no ticket in IMAX, where ideally one should have watched it. Then there was the question "do I want to wait till Saturday and watch it"? But then fomo got the better of me and I booked a ticket to one of the immediately available shows and went to watch it on the release day itself! 

       And I loved Dune 2. Infact it was better than Dune 1. No wonder Christopher Nolan compared it to "The Empire Strikes Back"! It is so visually stunning that there is one scene where a small object like a breathing straw is shown in a frame. If something as small and seemingly insignificant in that movie looks so good, you can imagine how the rest of the movie looks.

   There are some more good looking people like Florence Pugh (who doesn't look like her MCU character), Ausitn Butler and Lea Seydoux (yup one more person from James Bond franchise) but it is the visual aspect of Dune 2 which stands out above all. One can read about how the black and white portions of the movie were shot with an infrared technology! That is simply mind blowing! https://variety.com/2024/artisans/news/dune-2-shooting-arena-fight-scene-infrared-1235927682/.
Hence DUNE 2 as a visual feast, deserves to be viewed on a big screen, IMAX or otherwise. Yes it is a sci-fi with visual effects. But at the same time the desert is an integral part of the story and looks so beautiful.

    But it is not without a message or some emotions. If you expect too much emotion out of a sci-fi you may be disappointed. I think the point of this movie is to entertain us first and foremost and then to give us fodder for thought because we thoroughly enjoyed it. I was entertained for the 2 hour 46 minutes duration I watched it (without a bathroom break). This is the shortest of the three movies I am writing about. The other thing is also that, once you get into that world and set your mind towards the story, you will find this duration necessary. 

Also we have grown up watching three hour movies so. When I hear people complaining "oh this movie is too long", I think, "It is not! Sholay was 3 hours 24 minutes! Titanic was 3h 14m! Each of the Lord of Rings movie is 3 hours +- 20 mins!"  We are the binge generation who is ready to sit 8 hours to finish a series in one night; we are the generation who would go to university film festival and binge world movies from morning till night!. :D So don't complain that some movie is  2 hours 46 mins long! It is also remarkable that even in the ott generation people are willing to sit though long movies without a bathroom break.  

By the way there were double shows of Dune somewhere here, i.e Part 1 and 2 together. May be if there is a Dune 3 I will binge them in theater! :D 

  Now I have to mention why I loved this movie more than its prequel. The first and foremost reason is Zendaya as Chani. Zendaya is a brilliant actress who should win all the awards one day. And her portrayal of Chani acts as the emotional and moral anchor of this story. Had there been no Chani, you would never have understood how Paul Atreides is a shady character. Chani of this movie is the one who constantly reminds us of the consequences of herd mentality and believing in charismatic leaders. Some of her most remarkable lines are :

"Want to control people? Tell them a Messiah will come and they’ll wait." "This prophecy is how they enslave us." 

(You can read this article too: https://www.vulture.com/article/dune-part-two-review-this-is-zendayas-movie.html)

 And she gets betrayed at the end. Though Paul says "I will love you as long as I breathe" to her, the moment he saw the Princess Irulan he asked her to marry him. So much for star crossed lovers. And that is a wake up call too. The pretty face you love may not be as pretty inside. That one scene also reminds you of the themes you might have been familiar as an Indian audience. The guy always goes for the upper caste or upper glass woman even though he claims he is in love with a lower caste/class woman. Here is it Chani a Fremen being abandoned by Paul an aristocrat for Irulan the emperor's daughter.

 Though Paul says "I’d very much like to be equal to you" that was only a tactics he uses to impress others and make them help him achieve his ultimate goal - i.e power. The Fremen were genuinely worried for him when he was riding his first sand worm. But he rides it like a pro. This makes you feel that he was actually crafting an image of himself as a powerless gentle person where as he was always well trained and all he needed was a group of people who will ultimately do his bidding.  

    He broke both Chani's heart and her trust and also did a huge disrespect to Irulan. She is asked to marry him as a political tradeoff. That one scene when he becomes the emperor and everybody except Chani and Irulan bow to him is remarkable. It is upto the viewer's interpretation - how I interpret is that both women are unimpressed by this man. Chani's heartbreak will leave you in tears. And when Chani was riding away at the end of the movie it feels that free will is...

 Here I have to mention how you will start despising Lady Jessica for making vulnerable people to follow her and revere her and how she fans the fire to make people believe in the "prophecy" which would aid her son ascend power. 

What the movie brilliantly depicts via its casting is that the is the race factor. You must watch the it carefully to appreciate who are cast as vulnerable and who is manipulating them. Take this race factor, put it in a caste or class context, it is similar. 

    Why, apart from all the visual glory and exceptional making, DUNE 2 must be watched is because of the statements it makes. Beware of charismatic people. Beware of the unholy combination of religion/superstition and power. It is a cautionary tale against charismatic leaders and hero worship.

(https://www.forbes.com/sites/danidiplacido/2024/03/07/dune-part-2-is-paul-atreides-a-hero/?sh=1f75409c12e0)   

That's precisely a reminder we need to have in a world where people are following populist ideas (it stands true for the entire world) and being swayed by the so called "charismatic leaders".  I don't know what happens in the books after Paul Atreides' ascension to power. But we can make a guess from what we have seen in our own world. So the question is, are you going to be mindful of your hero worship, mindless following of charisma and oblivion to what can happen to free will as a consequence?  

PS : My most favourite scene in Dune 2 is when Chani teaches Paul how to walk on the sand with the peaceful score "A Time of Quiet Between the Storms" plays. It looked like they were dancing. <3

Don't forget...

When nostalgia drowns you,

Remember to read old emails

So that you are brought back 

To the reality you live.

When nostalgia rains on you,

Remember the disparities

So that you reconsider 

The longing to reconstruct the past.

When nostalgia fills your heart, remember, 

Like the song from the singer's vault said,

That no confessions of anything 

Is going to come your way.

When the present makes you wish,

Remember that he scarred you

And left you alone a decade ago

'Cause you weren't "beautiful enough".

When your heart still beats for him,

Remember how he has kept you blocked

All these years, as if you are impure

And would contaminate his pristine life.

When you start falling for him blindly,

Remember, that he left you for another

Got himself rejected only to find

Someone else who resembles you.

 

When you crave his friendship,

Don't forget the decade he was absent

Even when you could've 

Done with a friend's love.

So tell me heart, are you still waiting

For him to reappear and pretend,

That everything was fine and,

The past ten years didn't happen in your life? 

Negativity talk

Disclaimer: This post may sound a bit incoherent.

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I am actually having to voice my thoughts on this subject because I have been told that I sound very negative when I talk about my life to my friends or whomsoever I am talking to and that it is affecting the mood of the listener. First of all, I usually do not talk about my life's problems to anyone these days because post covid and an invasion, the world is upside down and there are too many problems in everyone's lives already. My life is also affected because of what has been happening in the world - ofcourse I live on this planet after all. I am occasionally forced to tell about my life to someone because something happens which makes me fear for my life and personal safety. So when a millenial, living in a world battered by whatever we have been going through for the past 3 years, shares her life situation once in a blue moon to someone, she gets to hear that she is full of negativity.

Hmm... I am not going to apologise to anyone for sounding "negative". Because the mental state I am in right now is "numb". I am not even seeking any advice or suggestion from people, but I am just telling people about what I have been dealing alone for quite a long time. It is only when traumatising situations arise that I decide to share those things to others. All I want is for someone is to listen to me without any judgement. It doesn't matter even if they don't say anything in return. But there is always some "advice" - "be positive", "have a pleasant mind", "do creative things", "ignore" etc.

My question to such people is that why do you feel the need to preach this positivity ideology to someone? Yes we all like it when everyone is happy. We like happiness and pleasantness so much that we feel a natural aversion to painful facts. Like the fact that women are not safe anywhere. That a pandemic and wars can put women and other marginalised groups in life threatening situations. What the positivity people usually tend to forget is that "being positive" is not going to solve the problems of these women and other marginal groups. The irony is when women themselves refuse to look at the truth that systemic failures are causing most of the problems in their lives. No, "being positive" is not going to help then.  

 I am not saying that one should always be aware of issues and be trying to solve all problems. We are humans and our minds get tired all the time from a lot of experiences. We all want happiness - actually peace more than happiness, being happy or at peace all the time is not possible for a human being. There are times when we feel sad and need to cry. When we have to cry we should cry, when we feel angry about something we need to acknowledge it. Even jealousy or envy should be acknowledged. Sometimes a lot of things may evoke multiple emotions inside our mind and it is perfectly ok to feel so. Denying those and telling oneself "be happy/positive" is not going to help at any time. There is an animated movie which explains some of these things in simple terms - "Inside Out". People should really watch this movie for starters. 

 I personally believe that eternal positivity can be toxic. Had generations of people "been positive" all the time, regarding their bad life situations created by oppression of all forms, then revolutions, freedom fights, movements for rights etc would not have happened. Such things only happened because people realised that something is wrong with the system/society they lived in, acknowledged emotions other than happiness, got uncomfortable and demanded and worked towards change. Reforms were not brought by people who self talked themselves into "being positive" but by people who probably got sad, angry and frustrated about their lives and their living environment. 

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   What prompted me to write all these is the fact that recently I was told that I have been sounding negative and unlike me. What sounds as negativity to others, is a reflection of the sum total of experiences I have had over the past year, like the following:

1) Since the beginning of 2022, I have been applying for new positions and have been rejected continuously. Repeated career rejection takes a toll on you. (If it is love you can probably reason that it is because it also involves another human being and move on.) But what is the justification for being rejected from job applications when all you have done for the past 15 years is work hard hoping that you will one day get a permanent job in academia? All these rejections are coming after I worked hard for three years on something. That makes it even harder. Had I not worked and idled away my time, I would not have felt this bad. Now I cannot tell if I am being rejected because I am a bad researcher or if it is because of my gender and race. Also I faced racism while travelling and face what I feel is sexism  at times in some areas of work. No, you cannot tell someone who has experienced racism or castism to be positive, because all those things are deeply hurting one's dignity as a human being. 

 2) Discrimination based on gender. This needs no further explanation - because it is a given if you are a woman of colour. At work you don't get new opportunities because you are a woman who is too old and at home you are abused by parents are relatives because you are single by choice and want to live life the way you want it! The system which is supposed to support you does not support you but instead discriminates against you so much to the point that there is no livelihood; you are forced to live in your parent's house because nobody will lease an apartment to single women in your country restricting your opportunity to escape domestic violence; if you are single, your parents will hit you for being single (and "too old"). If you call an emergency number when in distress about the physical violence and mental torture you are facing, then the person on the other side preaches about marriage to you! This is a sad reality which I (and probably many other people) am facing. 

3) I, a person who is trying to heal herself from her academic rejection induced wounds, am having to deal with the new wounds inflicted in the name of marriage by a patriarchal system! Patriarchy manifests as sexism in my career and as abusive relatives at home. Sure I can go to a doctor and get mental health support, but is that alone going to solve the problem that the system and society are hurting me? Will it change the fact that the society/system which is supposed to support its citizens and treat them fairly is not doing so? How can I "be positive" when I am trying to find a solution to my permanent livelihood problem, plus deal with the extra abuse inflicted on me for my life choices to the extend that I am physically attacked and injured? 

  These may seem like champagne problems but this is my reality. For many people looking at me I may seem like someone with a lot of privilage. Yes I have achieved some things in life compared to others. But that itself involved a lot of untold battles with abuse and trauma for years. Also, we cannot stay where we are and just reminisce about our past achievements all the time. We all need to move forward in life. When the one thing you have worked so hard for, most of your life refuses to acknowledge you and give you opportunities to move forward - especially a livelihood, you are forced to return to an abusive environment which you went away from. How can you "be positive" when this is the reality of your life? 

 This is not even the situations in your teens or 20s that you had a crush who rejected you resulting in you crying for weeks (see even then you have to cry and acknowledge the pain), got over that person and magically bounced back. This is the situation years later when you have had more life experiences and have acquired a certain maturity with which you view life pragmatically. And because you are an educated older millenial living in the 21st century, you can identify problematic behaviours and ideologies you when you experience it. No, the problems you are facing are not because you haven't worked hard enough (which like positivity is another lie fed to you). It is because most of the time the system does not work for its citizens and disappointingly evils like racism and castism which existed centuries ago still do exist in the modern world.

The natural reaction for these may not always be "hope" and "being positive". Because sitting around just hoping and refusing to face uncomfortable realities are not going to improve your or anybody else's life situation. 

True, me just being aware of the fact that the number of Indian women in the work force is falling, is not going to bring any change. But the reality that work force is refusing women opportunities for employment is something which also affects me. I cannot be held guilty for having goals and ambitions. But the system has to work to create equal opportunities for me, who is a woman of colour. Otherwise I will have to believe that all the talk about gender equality, diversity and inclusion are phony (which will again sound negative to positivity believers). 

*----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*

PS: Probably people who believe in this "be positive" mantra are afraid of addressing their own trauma or demons. Once in a while it may be good to take off the positivity mask and acknowledge your true emotions.

Eternal fool

I'm the eternal fool,

To believe that there is happiness 

In this world for me...

To hope that I will be acknowledged 

As what I wish to be...

To believe that there's love 

In this world for me.

To believe in kindness,

To believe in trust. 

And oh! Just to believe...

 

My place in this world

 My place in this world is nowhere, because I am a woman and my skin is dark. 

In one sentence this is what I feel. No this is not my delusion, but the hard fact. Whether I choose to pretend that it is not so or whether I choose to be aware of it, it is there. The people of the world are making me feel so over and over, again and again. 

 Sometimes it makes me wonder, if there is no place for me in this world, why live? People will say fight for your place, fight and win. But it is always easier said than done.  I've been fighting against the many odds in my life till now, I am tired - physically and mentally. Physically I am not getting any younger. Whether I like it or not, my body will fall one day. And I am tired mentally too. Why is it that for everything I want to have in my life I have to fight fight and fight when many other people have everything served on a golden plate without any difficulty? It is unfair that I need to fight against the societal norms to have a career of my own choice and then to fight against prejudice towards me in my chosen career. (And yeah I don't see a future in my chosen career because of the cycle of "you don't have enough achievements so we cannot offer you anything - you have no offer so you cannot achieve anything" scenario.) There is gender based discrimination and then there is race based discrimination. Both can be subtle to not so subtle. In some cases I end up wondering if the discrimination I am facing is based both on sexism and racism.

I cannot pretend that the instances of casual and not so casual racism did not happen in 21st century when the world is supposedly "modern". Each time I experienced the subtle and not so subtle forms of racism I felt mentally sick - starting with withdrawing from people. How do I know that the next person I meet is not going to racially abuse me either verbally or with their passive and/or aggressive actions? (I googled if racism can cause mental health issues and it can. Here is the link to an article if someone wants to read: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/racism-and-mental-health.htm . Also a note to people who are in denial that castesim does not exist in the modern world. It does. ) It also makes you trust people less often and question whether the ideals of modern world really exist or not. Even when modern people throw around words like "diversity and inclusion" all the time, as a person from a diverse/minority background you will soon find out whether you are truly included or not.

 Nobody wants to be treated badly. Even if I live in a part of the world where I may not have to experience racism, I still have to fight for my rights. I have it better than many other women of colour. But even then I have to fight hard to have what I have. The fight will be harder as you descend the ladder of socio-economic standards. It is not fair in the first place that the world has an imbalance of wealth in it. And even within that imbalance, women of colour have it harder. When someone is even denied the right to education based on gender, the same education which can enable them get enough skills to earn reasonably well and have atleast some sort of financial independence, it becomes even more unfair.

  Then the same old problem of devaluing a woman based on the presence or absence of a "man" in her life. According to some stupid people, even if a woman is highly educated, independent and can live on her own, she has no "value" if she is single. Such an irony that we live in a "modern world" but our ideas about life are still stuck in a millennium in the past. In every corner of the world, even in the modern society, patriarchy makes the decisions for a woman's body, love, life, career, food, shelter and even medical procedures a woman needs. Which makes me extremely frustrated. I have lost even the faintest amount of trust I had in this world. All I experience is the unfairness which makes you immediately cry but also raises the question why? Why does the world think that it can control me? Silently chuck me out of my career? Control my fashion, my food, my medical needs? Force me into selling my body to someone I may not love? Or even force me to have someone in life when I do not want anyone? Does the world think that if it does so, it will gain free labour, a human it can stalk, torture for pleasure, abuse and murder in the end? And if, that is not enough cook and eat? 

 These are the woes of just one me. The world has billions of people like me with many worries.

What is my place in this world which has people with pain as well those who inflict pain? 

What is my place in this world where I have to remind myself that higher living standards, education or being rich does not entail that a person is not racist, sexist or a "discriminator"? 

What is my place in this world where I am always a suspect because of my skin colour? 

What is my place in this world where a woman of my skin colour is always treated like a slave by people who don't even have as much life experiences as me? 

What is my place in this world where I have to "restrict" my freedom to travel (especially at night) or my freedom of using the internet because of safety concerns (when those causing safety hazards to me and others like me are allowed to roam freely by the system?) 

What is my place in this world where I have to constantly worry for my life - survival and a financially independent means of survival?

What is my place in this world which tells me that I cannot live unless I sign up for domestic abuse, mental trauma and constant stress? 

We all know what happens when one falls into the trap of signing up for domestic abuse - instant harm to life! Even when a woman escapes all these traps she is ultimately forced to end her own life because the society denies the right to have a dignified life.

 I know that ultimately I have no place in this world because I am always having to waste my time fighting unnecessary hurdles which the world does not place in front of people belonging to privileged groups. And even if I manage to overcome the hurdles and start doing things, it is never good enough. Too much fighting for my rights which I should be getting without having to fight, leaves me exhausted mentally and physically. When you face hardship after hardship, discrimination after discrimination, it triggers that immediate feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Especially when it feels like you are being denied your chances in life because of your gender and race. (Now imagine what would a person from an even more minority group may face.) We all know that kindness matters. But that is one thing we refuse to give someone who needs it the most too. 

We all start our lives thinking that our dreams and aspirations will come true and we will have a peaceful and pleasant life. But the reality is that a peaceful and pleasant life is possible only for a select few. The reality is that the count down has started for me. Why walk on egg shells and thorns with no hope of  reaching where I want to? Might as well end the journey forever in a world where I have no place.