Of love, romance, weddings and break ups - Part II

      A main reason for break ups of marriages is the end of love. It is seen in many cases that marriage becomes "the end" of love. Atleast some people would've complained that there was too much love before marriage but there is none at all after it. To some extend this is true. Just remember all those unmarried love birds around you whose romance was so public (before the social media age, live and during the social media age, live + photo action!!) to the extend that those around them had to live with their eyes closed or turned away in some other direction. Years later you hear that these people broke up for lack of love/romance!!! Now you are forced to think. Where did all those love/romance go?!! Only you can't fathom the reason for the break up (even God can't) !!

        Who is the culprit here? Is it age or the passage of time or is it the mentality? Or is it that that people start taking their spouses for granted after marriage? That expressions of love not even as a tiny gesture is not needed now that they have got "united" in marriage (only to be "untied" later)? If you think so then you are wrong. No expression of love in words or gestures is as bad as those pre-wedding over indulgence in expressions of love! Probably you were crazy teen/tweenagers when you were romancing and then all of them mattered. And you would have thoroughly enjoyed giving and taking so much affection. Then why do you stop giving and taking it after marriage? Yes, after marriage you may become unprecedentedly "responsible" (like before marriage your mother used to cook for you, now you and you have no idea as to how to make food for yourself; how are you even supposed to feed someone else? Obviously the patriarchal society has made sure that your loving husband can't even (literally) feed you no matter what raw materials he brings home with what he earns!!! Or that earlier everything used to appear on demand now you actually have to go to the shop to buy it, manage your finances (uh so hard when you descent to the real world from your carefree life so far!) and what more). So you forget to give and take some love. The main reason why two people got married out of love is lost or what in between these heavy responsibilities. 

       Can't you express love in between these responsibilities? It is not utterly impossible. It doesn't matter how many times the lover guy has told you about what he would do for you (like go to the end of the world and bring the moon for you). But can he offer to share these responsibilities with which you are struggling? Can he literally feed you? It feels good to be fed by someone (especially by the one whom you love so much (or probably loved so much before marriage?)). Even a small cup of tea offered to you without asking is a gesture of love. It is not as exotic as the moon from the end of the world, but is a realistic thing. It may not be a great thing to offer your wife, but it may actually make her happy! Similarly despite all those unrealistic promises of being an ideal wife (who will do God knows what to keep him happy!), if the wife actually offers support the guy who may be aiming at the moon but is not being able to reach even the bottom branch of a tree, even with a small word of encouragement (or even not throwing an insult at an unsuccessful husband), it is a real gesture of love. Understanding is the basis. Without understanding nothing works out. Not even a simple math problem can be solved without understanding. Forget the complicated (yet silly) problems of married life!! 

       And taking for granted that, since "I love him/her so deeply, I don't have to show some affection to him/her" after marriage is not correct. Everybody needs to be assured that they are loved. Remember how do you feel if your mother stops showing her affection to you? Or father stops showing affection to you? No matter of what age you are, you won't like it. Just because you have grown up doesn't mean that you don't deserve their affection. They know that too. Similarly, just because you have married after having a long romantic affair doesn't imply that you should not give assurances that they are loved. That may not even be like sitting 24X7 with them. It may be a phone call, an sms or even a miss call. (You used to do all these before marriage. Right?) You used to talk for hours over the phone when you were in love, then why can't you even spend 5 minutes talking to each other after marriage? That won't cause end of the world. Will it? Even friends need to be showed some care to assure them that you love them. So in a situation like a love marriage where two people come in with so many things about their "pre-marital relationship" in mind and high expectations due to it, some care should be shown. Not for the sake of a show off, but a genuine one (either way you'll understand what type it is). Otherwise you'll be living in the past thinking about that romantic person with whom you were in love and comparing them with the rude person who actually lives with you right now. And then because everybody needs some affectionate gesture, if they don't get it from the person from whom they expect it, they are bound to drift away from you, in turn creating rifts in this so called love marriage. Either you buckle up for no gestures and all that prejudices that after marriage, life has to be "full of responsibilities" (which is not nice) or you actually try reminding that "special person" that he/she is still special in your life (all these are valid if you believe in love, romance and blah blah blah). 

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          Near vs Far :  Yes. Near vs Far makes a lot of difference. Life is not an ideal love story that a person will stay forever in a long distance relation. Actually it will get boring after a while. The person whom you love can't be with you and you think about yourself and then start complaining about it and then finally it becomes such a problem that it can't be resolved by any means at all!!! 

I won't say that everybody who are going to marry should accept that one of the spouses (= the wife by default!) has to give up their career (just to be with their soul mate!). In this world it is absolutely not possible to stay together always. Especially when both of them have a career of their own choice. So practically it is always better to marry (elope with) a person from the exact same career. That will ensure proximity and longevity!!! (Just kidding.) If you really actually want to marry (elope) across careers then it will always be better if you can stay in the same place (which is a total impossibility). If you can't then you shouldn't cut away this relation just like that! After all you are two married people (who were once a pair of star crossed lovers)! If you do all these cut off the relation just like that deed, you are actually setting wrong examples to other lovers who may actually want to get married and may live together happily ever after. Even if that means you are setting the absolute "see I said so" examples for those who oppose love marriages strongly! That's not a fair act to those aspiring young lovers who are ready to be together in life!!!

       If by any chance careers don't offer proximity you should find some ways to keep the relation! Again just because you are far away from your parents doesn't mean that you'll ever forget them or cease loving them! A true love is also like that. Isn't it? Especially if the true lover has become a member of the family by something called marriage? You decided to accept them as a part of your life when you got married, so why throw them away just like that? A ship may travel through rocky waters, but that doesn't mean that you should abandon the ship (unless it threatens your life) thinking that it will sink. Who knows, if you stuck with it, it won't reach a beautiful shore one day? 24 X 7 proximity is not possible in any relation, but that doesn't mean that the relation has to be broken!! It can be maintained if the people involved appreciate the other person's aspirations and difficulties and are ready to make it work even from long distance. If you really want to be together for ever, you may have to endure some hardships in the beginning. 

        Getting married doesn't mean that you have to be together 24 X 7 to be in love still as you were before getting married!!! What the hell! Somehow or the other you'll find a way out to be together if you really want proximity! (But only if you think beyond the candy floss, romance level.) After all, your life experiences will give you the maturity and wisdom (to figure out practical solutions without forfeiting anybody's career) to do so. (If it doesn't, then there is no use calling yourself a late tweenager or a beginning thirtier.)  But one must have the patience to endure this non-proximity, be it a guy or a gal, till some solution is figured out. I mean people can wait. Right? If they really love each other that much? (Even arranged married people who didn't even have any love in between them previously do this, then why can't love married people do that?) 

      Bottom line is that maturity and wisdom are necessary in all kinds of marriages. Being in love with someone and day dreaming a happy life together is different from what one may face in that actual life together. But that doesn't mean that you can't make the real life happy. It definitely takes effort. What doesn't take effort in this world to achieve? But if you really really believe in love, that hardship will be nothing compared to the love for which you are taking that effort. Nobody leaves an exam midway if a 5 mark question seems to be difficult. What if the rest of the 45 marks 

questions were answerable and you didn't even try? 

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