The title was supposed to be "of love, romance and weddings (which occur in heaven) and break ups (which bring hell upon people)". But it was too long to be written as a title. I apologize to anybody who has had romances and break ups in their lives, but I can't help writing this.
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As the famous saying goes, weddings happen in heaven. let us rewind and observe the pre-wedding situation. Those weddings may be arranged by the family without any element of romance, or may be arranged by the family with the romantic element, or a totally irrational eloping defying all family. ;) Love or no love or eloping or no eloping, weddings are good if they last long as a mature relation with mutual respect and love and don't turn out to be disastrous.
Let us leave arranged marriages for now, because if they turn out to be nasty, the one who is married can blame their parents and other family members who caused this "fix". But what if a love marriage fails? Who is to be blamed? The husband? The wife? What?
I am not against love marriages, but if the love marriage doesn't have the strong basis of love and trust rather than being built upon stupid dreams and expectations, there is no point calling it a "love marriage". Somebody once told me about why love marriages break. It is like this, "while romancing, people hide all their imperfections and all and after marriage they all come out and cause problems"! That was a very mature thought. One instance of a love marriage being "the end" of love.
But is this the only reason why love marriages fail? I guess no. I think such cases happen when the chisquare between expectation and reality is too much!! Expectations being
1) candy floss romance
2) fun filled life
3) always love (too many expressions of it in myriad ways)
4) no bothering about how to earn to live
5) always together
6) love me and me only
and so on...
And the realities :
1) not always possible to have a candy floss romance (again somebody said, bored and loving for the sake of love ; is that really love? Bah :/)
2) life with hardships to be dealt with
3) no expression of love at all (even if you want to)
4) have to eat and have the basic necessities of life
5) not always together
6) can't always love you and you only
and again so on...
How will you ever get a decent chi square in this scenario? Never. So the marriage breaks!! How sad. There is a way around. That is called adjustment. It is not that people don't know about it. It is only that only women are taught about it. It would be nice if men also learn to adjust. After all if mutual adjustment can lead to a "happily ever after", it is worth trying out, rather than just ditching everything and walking away without even trying earnestly. But men should stop demanding that their wives adjust to their needs and their needs alone!! Take most of the examples of eloping and marriage, the girl runs away with her lover and marries him, and then sits happily ever after at home to "look after him and his kids". But the truth is happily ever after lasts only for a few years. How long can a woman sit idly at home doing the same old chores, having to depend upon her husband (who obviously loves her; still...), while he is working to his heart's contend and rising up in career? Especially if the girl was so talented that everybody values her particular talent?
Not being able to use one's talent and not get appreciation for it is really hard for anybody. Dreams are not only for men. But for women too. Why should marriage of any form be a hindrance to it? If the husband really loves his wife (as he used to before the marriage), he should appreciate this fact that a woman also has her needs, outside of the family. That is the need to prove herself and having a loving husband who earns enough to feed her and her children cannot satisfy that need.
If a girl/woman makes enormous amount of sacrifice by suppressing that need for the sake of a marriage and the one for whom she has made it never appreciates it, she is bound to get bored. One day or the other that need gets better of love and one has to leave if the "love" turns out to be too restraining.
I don't understand why men have to be so immature. In most of the cases this immaturity is the one which causes problems. Marrying a girl whom they love is like winning some prize for such guys! And the prize surely has to be "kept" in a showcase. "It" is not supposed to have a life of its own, interests of "its" own and has to be "taken care of". What if the "prize" doesn't want to be a showcase piece and has "her" own interests and opinions and doesn't want to be taken care of? Does that still mean that she is not lovable? When the guys say "she has to sit at home and love me and me alone", they are being very selfish. She should not go to work, because I am earning, so no need for her to work (this is not only in love marriage, applies to arranged marriages too where the guy, guy's family also tells exactly this).
Working is not only about earning money. Yes, one person earning too much money may seem sufficient. But two people earning money is better, even if the second source of income is not as high as the first!!! Plus it is not only about earning money or having a white collar job. It is about the identity of the woman. Who is she besides being her father's daughter or husband's wife or son's mother? She is herself. Right? And there is nothing shameful in being known as the daughter's father (surely fathers do take pride in it) or a wife's husband or a mother's son or daughter. But the husband's mostly get offended (again both in L and A marriages) in being known by his wife (which is fed into the hearts of the people even in application forms; take for example an application form for a national level exam. The candidate is asked to fill up the name of his father/ mother (that too if the father is not alive!) and "husband". Why can't a male candidate be asked to fill his wife's name if a female candidate should fill her husband's name? Not fair. To think that it the application form for a national level qualifying test ( I am not telling which one) makes me ashamed of the extend of nasty patriarchy prevalent in this country!!!). Even if he is an unemployed fool who is dependent on the wife for a living, he is deemed as "the best man in the world". Crap. :X
Yes there it feels good to be known as somebody's somebody in many circles. But where is the fun? For example, I feel good to be known as parents' daughter. But I feel better when I am known for who/what I am rather than bask in the glory of my parents'. Same goes in marriage too. No matter how talented the husband is, the wife does want to be known as herself (unless she is somebody who doesn't have any goals in life and expect to be taken care of by somebody thus feeding to the agony of those women who want to achieve something in life). Any woman knows what to do with her life or what she has to do in her life wants this. And those husbands for whom she was ready to make amendments in her life must understand this, rather than making her suppress her urge to do something worthwhile in her life rather than "doing new things in kitchen...." for him (as the lyrics of a fairly new song suggests, which is totally sexist; the only compensation is that the other language version of the same song has a very non-sexist lyrics! By the way another song in the same movie tells you that you'll be remembered for what you do. So all ladies who want to be really remembered by the human race, follow your dreams, how hard they may be.) Otherwise after a while the bored woman will definitely break free and then you go on a spree to blame the woman directly or indirectly in the name of family. (Even then these men forget what they have demanded from the poor woman!!!) This is the main cause of break up.
In this country there are so many atrocities happening against women. Instead of creating a society safe for women, if you don't let women come out of the house (by making excuses that you are protecting them, in turn harming her in many other ways), you are becoming a part of weakening women deliberately. If you can't let go of your ego and let the woman be a free being even after marriage (for marriage is not a prison), better not dream about "owning" that woman! One cannot be immature and demand that everybody around him be mature or adjust to him. That's not a fair game at all from any angle. One can't do one thing in life and go out and tell the whole world to liberate the female spirit. Unless you are ready to do that yourself, you better not "love" and "own" a woman. For true love is not the woman sitting at home, it can also be the man understanding the woman who doesn't complain without her telling him that she has a fire inside her and not chaining her for his selfishness.
*********************************************************************************
More to come....
*********************************************************************************
As the famous saying goes, weddings happen in heaven. let us rewind and observe the pre-wedding situation. Those weddings may be arranged by the family without any element of romance, or may be arranged by the family with the romantic element, or a totally irrational eloping defying all family. ;) Love or no love or eloping or no eloping, weddings are good if they last long as a mature relation with mutual respect and love and don't turn out to be disastrous.
Let us leave arranged marriages for now, because if they turn out to be nasty, the one who is married can blame their parents and other family members who caused this "fix". But what if a love marriage fails? Who is to be blamed? The husband? The wife? What?
I am not against love marriages, but if the love marriage doesn't have the strong basis of love and trust rather than being built upon stupid dreams and expectations, there is no point calling it a "love marriage". Somebody once told me about why love marriages break. It is like this, "while romancing, people hide all their imperfections and all and after marriage they all come out and cause problems"! That was a very mature thought. One instance of a love marriage being "the end" of love.
But is this the only reason why love marriages fail? I guess no. I think such cases happen when the chisquare between expectation and reality is too much!! Expectations being
1) candy floss romance
2) fun filled life
3) always love (too many expressions of it in myriad ways)
4) no bothering about how to earn to live
5) always together
6) love me and me only
and so on...
And the realities :
1) not always possible to have a candy floss romance (again somebody said, bored and loving for the sake of love ; is that really love? Bah :/)
2) life with hardships to be dealt with
3) no expression of love at all (even if you want to)
4) have to eat and have the basic necessities of life
5) not always together
6) can't always love you and you only
and again so on...
How will you ever get a decent chi square in this scenario? Never. So the marriage breaks!! How sad. There is a way around. That is called adjustment. It is not that people don't know about it. It is only that only women are taught about it. It would be nice if men also learn to adjust. After all if mutual adjustment can lead to a "happily ever after", it is worth trying out, rather than just ditching everything and walking away without even trying earnestly. But men should stop demanding that their wives adjust to their needs and their needs alone!! Take most of the examples of eloping and marriage, the girl runs away with her lover and marries him, and then sits happily ever after at home to "look after him and his kids". But the truth is happily ever after lasts only for a few years. How long can a woman sit idly at home doing the same old chores, having to depend upon her husband (who obviously loves her; still...), while he is working to his heart's contend and rising up in career? Especially if the girl was so talented that everybody values her particular talent?
Not being able to use one's talent and not get appreciation for it is really hard for anybody. Dreams are not only for men. But for women too. Why should marriage of any form be a hindrance to it? If the husband really loves his wife (as he used to before the marriage), he should appreciate this fact that a woman also has her needs, outside of the family. That is the need to prove herself and having a loving husband who earns enough to feed her and her children cannot satisfy that need.
If a girl/woman makes enormous amount of sacrifice by suppressing that need for the sake of a marriage and the one for whom she has made it never appreciates it, she is bound to get bored. One day or the other that need gets better of love and one has to leave if the "love" turns out to be too restraining.
I don't understand why men have to be so immature. In most of the cases this immaturity is the one which causes problems. Marrying a girl whom they love is like winning some prize for such guys! And the prize surely has to be "kept" in a showcase. "It" is not supposed to have a life of its own, interests of "its" own and has to be "taken care of". What if the "prize" doesn't want to be a showcase piece and has "her" own interests and opinions and doesn't want to be taken care of? Does that still mean that she is not lovable? When the guys say "she has to sit at home and love me and me alone", they are being very selfish. She should not go to work, because I am earning, so no need for her to work (this is not only in love marriage, applies to arranged marriages too where the guy, guy's family also tells exactly this).
Working is not only about earning money. Yes, one person earning too much money may seem sufficient. But two people earning money is better, even if the second source of income is not as high as the first!!! Plus it is not only about earning money or having a white collar job. It is about the identity of the woman. Who is she besides being her father's daughter or husband's wife or son's mother? She is herself. Right? And there is nothing shameful in being known as the daughter's father (surely fathers do take pride in it) or a wife's husband or a mother's son or daughter. But the husband's mostly get offended (again both in L and A marriages) in being known by his wife (which is fed into the hearts of the people even in application forms; take for example an application form for a national level exam. The candidate is asked to fill up the name of his father/ mother (that too if the father is not alive!) and "husband". Why can't a male candidate be asked to fill his wife's name if a female candidate should fill her husband's name? Not fair. To think that it the application form for a national level qualifying test ( I am not telling which one) makes me ashamed of the extend of nasty patriarchy prevalent in this country!!!). Even if he is an unemployed fool who is dependent on the wife for a living, he is deemed as "the best man in the world". Crap. :X
Yes there it feels good to be known as somebody's somebody in many circles. But where is the fun? For example, I feel good to be known as parents' daughter. But I feel better when I am known for who/what I am rather than bask in the glory of my parents'. Same goes in marriage too. No matter how talented the husband is, the wife does want to be known as herself (unless she is somebody who doesn't have any goals in life and expect to be taken care of by somebody thus feeding to the agony of those women who want to achieve something in life). Any woman knows what to do with her life or what she has to do in her life wants this. And those husbands for whom she was ready to make amendments in her life must understand this, rather than making her suppress her urge to do something worthwhile in her life rather than "doing new things in kitchen...." for him (as the lyrics of a fairly new song suggests, which is totally sexist; the only compensation is that the other language version of the same song has a very non-sexist lyrics! By the way another song in the same movie tells you that you'll be remembered for what you do. So all ladies who want to be really remembered by the human race, follow your dreams, how hard they may be.) Otherwise after a while the bored woman will definitely break free and then you go on a spree to blame the woman directly or indirectly in the name of family. (Even then these men forget what they have demanded from the poor woman!!!) This is the main cause of break up.
In this country there are so many atrocities happening against women. Instead of creating a society safe for women, if you don't let women come out of the house (by making excuses that you are protecting them, in turn harming her in many other ways), you are becoming a part of weakening women deliberately. If you can't let go of your ego and let the woman be a free being even after marriage (for marriage is not a prison), better not dream about "owning" that woman! One cannot be immature and demand that everybody around him be mature or adjust to him. That's not a fair game at all from any angle. One can't do one thing in life and go out and tell the whole world to liberate the female spirit. Unless you are ready to do that yourself, you better not "love" and "own" a woman. For true love is not the woman sitting at home, it can also be the man understanding the woman who doesn't complain without her telling him that she has a fire inside her and not chaining her for his selfishness.
*********************************************************************************
More to come....
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