"Sookshmadarshini" a haunting social commentary

 I am supposed to be working. Yet I can't help writing this because watching "Sookshmadarshini" has shaken me so much. If you are someone who has already watched it then you will understand why this movie is so haunting. If you are someone who hasn't watched it already you must watch it before reading this. This is not a review but some thoughts the movie evoked in my mind. 

   The movie is a mystery thriller where a very "nosy" woman solves a crime. I liked this movie even more because of how it makes a social commentary without being preachy but just depicting how cruel the mentality of the people who perpetrate such crimes are. Also the fact that the network of women which people usually dismiss as "gossipy" (paradooshanam) and useless is the one which aids to solve the case and bring justice to other women who were victims of a hate crime. 

    So if you have watched it, you already know that the crime is an "honor" killing. Let me remind you that there is no honor in any honor killing and those who take part in such activities should be held accountable by the justice system. Now, we live in a country where we hear about caste based honor killings. There have been countless instances where parents kill their own children to "preserve honor". Because "honor" is so fragile that it will break if a person marries someone from another caste. So in a society where love between two heterosexual people is viewed as forbidden because of caste even in the 21st century, it is obvious that if someone is queer and chooses to live their life as they please (in a country which struck down section 377 in 2018), they will be killed by a cruel family who only care about "honor".  (All these when any form of discrimination is unlawful. So the perpetrators are not just cruel but unwilling to respect the rights given to a human being by law.)

     That is exactly the theme of "Sookshmadarshini" and the revelation hits you hard. And it does it in a very non dramatic way which is very relatable. The victim of the gruesome crime in the movie is a young woman which makes it even more painful. Even if you are not a queer person but someone who has chosen to live your life and preserve your independence this movie scares you and makes you wonder if a similar plight will befall you. 

    Assume you are a cis hetero woman, but still wants to live your life as a single person. The society will get uncomfortable because it just views you as a brainless object of pleasure and a reproduction machine. So the patriarchal society which is used to submissive women will view you as a threat. You think that your "near and dear" people will support you. But no, they are first ones to deny you your rights and freedom. By being single you are not harming anyone, if you are financially independent you are not living at anybody else's expense. Then ideally you should be able to live your life according to your personal choices. If you are a person who doesn't want to marry and fall into the family business you have that right. If everyone around you accepts that and decides to live their own lives (in which you are not interfering) then the world would be a harmonious place. But patriarchy wants to control women's lives and bodies. So a woman who wants to live alone is a "threat" and a "matter of shame" for the "family". So her parents and family decide to kill and dispose of her.

     Does this sound scary? It does to me. It should sound scary to you also, especially if you are someone who will not put up any facades and will live a life honest to yourself. It should sound scary to people of any gender, any sexuality or any age. This will sound scarier to millenials and gen Z who aspire to live their lives freely compared to the older generations who are eager to control their lives. The premise of "Sookshmadarshini" was a hateful parent and close family blinded by "shame" deciding to kill the daughter because of her sexuality and the fact that she chose to live true to herself. Living true to oneself can be anything. It may be not wanting to marry and conform, it may be deciding to go childless and not conform, it may be living together with someone whom you love or trust, it may be choosing a partner (see choosing a partner on your own is a "shame" in an over controlling society like ours). It may be merely reminding your family that they cannot control you who are an adult. (Nobody has the right to control children either. By control I mean misuse of power and abuse by parents and other guardians.)  

      Where is the guarantee that our parents with old conservative, restrictive, divisive and cruel "values" won't kill us because they perceive us as "shame"? What is the guarantee that parents of independent people won't kill them because no matter what one achieves in life the parents cannot let go of their ego and rotten values and choose to side with evil rather than humanity, because they "evaluate" you only based on their outdated system? There is no guarantee.

   That is why "Sookshmadarshini" is so haunting. The victim in that movie is a very relatable young woman. That woman is many of us. Those who have a career, those who travel, those who are fashionable, those who have instagram accounts, those who live an urban life, those who won't be beaten down to conform, those who have endured abuse from others yet declared their freedom and escaped the evil clutches of an abusive family. And yet that evil family kills her for "honor". 

    This brings me back to my earlier point. Even if you are a straight person but non conforming to other things you are in a similar danger. So it makes one ask "what makes the parents and family become so evil; what "value" system did they grow up?" "What "values" and ideologies were they fed? How humane are they even when they may be educated and wealthy?" "Are education and wealth good indicators of understanding of rights of others?" 

      Say for example if you are someone who is very educated but believes in the arguments against reservation then it is an indication that you may not care about those who suffer because of unjust inequalities in the society. Within our own country if you are someone who discriminates people based on their caste and religion it clearly shows that they are incapable of viewing others as humans too. They are still stuck up in the old days where feudalism and discrimination prevailed and humans were ill treated. If a person discriminates based on color and race it shows that they are still stuck up in their colonial mentality despite living in a very modern world. 

      It also makes you ask the question whether their education truly opened their minds and made them accept that every human has human rights and nobody can meddle with that. And another question is how can someone think that they can control other people? What makes some people think that others should "obey" them no matter what. Else they would abuse the hell out of those who don't and even kill them. Who gave them the power to think that they have power over other people? Why do they even feel the need to control others' lives? The main answer is "patriarchy". 

        If we say that "patriarchy is the root of all social evils" it will not be an exaggeration. It is patriarchy which dictates what people should do with their bodies at what age, who can control the bodies and lives of whom and so on. Patriarchy is a cult. Without a specific cult leader but preached and sustained by benefactors who are unwilling to accept their follies and give up their wrong ways. It has created this situation that it approves and gives social currencies to people who conform but ostracizes those who don't. For example in a society which is hell bent on denying the fact that women have their own rights and choices, if a woman stays single her parents start torturing her, because every of their peers' daughters were married off! So a single woman is "a matter of shame". Any woman who has autonomy over her own life is a "shame" for such parents because they cannot get any social currency from the other people.

       "Log kya bolenge?" "Mattullavar enthu parayum?" "What will others say?" - is the sole guiding principle of our families! They don't care what you have to say about your own life. The problem is there even when you are someone who doesn't give a damn about what others say.  All your family and society cares is "What will others say?" And who are these others? They are people who are conditioned by patriarchy and torture their own families by saying "what will others say". The whole array of these people who only care for the ignorant opinions of "others" but do not have the guts to stand up and take the right action at the right time are the ones cementing and upholding social evils. 

      I will tell you what sensible people from every generation will say. "By bothering too much about what others will say, you are actually contributing to social evils."  In other words, you should get rid of your discriminatory attitudes and biases and broaden your mindset and learn to accept humans as humans. But then there are "families" who accuse sensible members who call out their bad practices that they are trying to "destroy the family" and that "someone is trying to sabotage the family" (which sounds uncannily similar to the arguments used by populists when someone points out their mistakes). (So clearly there are cases where the parents in a family are so corrupt that they are unwilling to change their bad mentality even when others can see clearly that they are cruel.) This also means that patriarchy not only encourages cruelty, but also causes delusions in those who believe in it. To the extend that someone is ready to kill another person without any remorse.

     One cannot even imaging the depth of cruelty a parent must possess if they are "honor" killing their children. How can someone's honor depend on somebody else?  Your children are not your puppets. They are living, breathing creatures with their own lives. If your children are adults then you cannot control them. (The thing is that nobody ever controls their alcoholic, misogynistic or criminal "children", they only control children who understand the right ideologies, do the right things in life and mind their own business!) Sure you can be a faulty parent. But that does not entitle you to kill another person because you are blinded by some false pride and meaningless "shame" from your patriarchal conditioning. 

      Whether it is caste discrimination, queer phobia or misogyny, as long as generations of people do not learn to broaden their minds and accept others as humans, "honor" killings will happen. The Malayalam word is apter for it "durabhimaanakkola". "Durabhimaanam" means "false pride". Because the false ideologies and boost to egos allotted by faulty belief systems result in a false sense of pride which is too fragile. Because that "pride/honor" breaks if someone chooses to deviate from such evil belief systems and live their own lives in their own ways. I won't say that family is everything to a person. But a family, especially parents killing their own children in the name of "honor" is one of the most heartbreaking and twisted scenarios one can ever imagine. (As if there are not enough twisted scenarios where people are harmed.) It is not just an imagination or a movie plot, but a real possibility for many of us. Hence "Sookshmadarshini" will continue to haunt forever.      

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   PS : The real shame are the parents and family committing honor crimes blinded by hate, propelled by stupid ideologies. The real shame is on them for believing that some imaginary thing is above someone's life. 

PPS :  If the people from a younger generation started basing their "honor" on whether their parents provide them with luxury items, popularity on social media platforms (follower counts) and so on and started killing those who did not meet those criteria because those parents were causing "shame", would it look fine?  (Does it sound like some impossible apocalyptic world?) Then how is it acceptable that parents base their "honor" on stupid ideologies which discriminate against humans and kill their children? (This is the reality we are living in.) 

PPPS : What are the legal and justice system going to ensure the safety of people at risk from these scenarios? How are these systems going to protect vulnerable people?

     In short there is no honor in "honor" killings. And as humans we should just live and let live.

One month 3 movies - Episode 1 "Dune 2"

     Do I write about these movies when they are still fresh in my mind or do I contemplate even more and write later? May be I should write now, because I want to write how these three movies made me feel. So I watched 3 movies within in a month in 2024, "Dune 2" on the last day of February, "Oppenheimer" last week and "Aadujeevitham" yesterday. "Oppenheimer" was from last year, but I got to watch it this year only. These movies were "heavy", dark and/or depressing, but they all belong to the category of "must watch in a theatre". Here I am with a not so light heart sitting and going to write about how these three brilliant movies may be connected to each other at some level and why everyone must watch them. Let us start from Episode 1 "Dune 2". Shall we? 

 

/*------------------------------------ Episode 1 - DUNE part 2 ----------------------------------------*/

Disclaimer - Have some spoilers read only after watching. 

      My introduction to DUNE was quite unexpected. In 2021 my then supervisor and we went to a multiplex in Geneva to watch DUNE part 1. And my goodness I was blown away! At that time I was unaware of the fact that Dune was based on a book series and had been made into series prior to that.
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dune_(franchise) ) Dune definitely had a Star Wars like quality (i.e like Episodes 4, 5, 6) and was visually stunning with a complicated and excellent background score. While watching some scenes I was thinking "this scene looks like a painting!", especially the death of Duke Leto Atreides. Then there was the near closing scene where Paul smiles at Chani... 

       The most remarkable thing about Dune is that the Fremen wear the "stillsuit"
(https://dune.fandom.com/wiki/Stillsuit) so that they recycle their own body water and can survive the harsh desert conditions. I will not describe too much, because I have not read the books yet so I feel a bit under-qualified to talk on this topic.

Another aspect of "Dune" is that it is an extremely "good-looking" movie (with very famous cast members). Ofcourse the protagonist of this movie is extremely handsome (Timothée Chalamet). Then ofcourse Zendaya. Then Oscar Isaac, Rebecca Ferguson, Jason Momoa, Javier Bardem (you can't help remembering "Skyfall"), Josh Brolin (who doesn't look like Thanos anymore), Dave Bautista (who also doesn't look like Drax the Destroyer) and many other famous actors and actresses. The good looks are not limited to the cast though, each frame of Dune was stunning. If you are someone who loves photography you will understand why. Plus the logo of  this new "DUNE" series by Denis Villeneuve (yes, that Denis Villeneuve who directed "Arrival") is brilliant - an almost palindorome.

     So when a friend asked me the next day how Dune was, my response was "Timothée Chalamet is so handsome and this is a cult movie to be viewed in a theatre." Apart from all these, "DUNE" is interesting to neutrino physicists because there is actually an experiment which abbreviates to "DUNE". People were saying that "oh look they have a movie named after their experiment". Ofcourse "dune" can mean anything from sand dunes to the name of a book. :) 

I have still not read this book series, but now, I understand to a small extend why this story is important and significant. I got to know about this from a TED-ED video https://youtu.be/yhYU4ZbLmmk?si=lr-xbm8--3krTAxR. You will partly realise this analogy while watching the movie also, i.e, spice is like oil and the story of Dune is not far from what has happened in the name of oil. You will figure out that there are serious themes like exploitation of natural resources, colonization, how charisma and religion can create narratives to control people and so on. To understand these themes we may have to read the books carefully and understand more history and think carefully. But even a viewer who has not read the books and gone down that rabbit hole, you still can identify the similarities of the story with the world we live in.This brings me to Dune part 2. 

      How I watched Dune 2 in a theater is a bit funny. After a week of torturing myself in the name of teaching and not going anywhere, I badly needed a break. So I knew that I had to go somewhere and decided to go shopping. But I also knew that Dune was releasing on the same day and had been contemplating watching this movie. There was no ticket in IMAX, where ideally one should have watched it. Then there was the question "do I want to wait till Saturday and watch it"? But then fomo got the better of me and I booked a ticket to one of the immediately available shows and went to watch it on the release day itself! 

       And I loved Dune 2. Infact it was better than Dune 1. No wonder Christopher Nolan compared it to "The Empire Strikes Back"! It is so visually stunning that there is one scene where a small object like a breathing straw is shown in a frame. If something as small and seemingly insignificant in that movie looks so good, you can imagine how the rest of the movie looks.

   There are some more good looking people like Florence Pugh (who doesn't look like her MCU character), Ausitn Butler and Lea Seydoux (yup one more person from James Bond franchise) but it is the visual aspect of Dune 2 which stands out above all. One can read about how the black and white portions of the movie were shot with an infrared technology! That is simply mind blowing! https://variety.com/2024/artisans/news/dune-2-shooting-arena-fight-scene-infrared-1235927682/.
Hence DUNE 2 as a visual feast, deserves to be viewed on a big screen, IMAX or otherwise. Yes it is a sci-fi with visual effects. But at the same time the desert is an integral part of the story and looks so beautiful.

    But it is not without a message or some emotions. If you expect too much emotion out of a sci-fi you may be disappointed. I think the point of this movie is to entertain us first and foremost and then to give us fodder for thought because we thoroughly enjoyed it. I was entertained for the 2 hour 46 minutes duration I watched it (without a bathroom break). This is the shortest of the three movies I am writing about. The other thing is also that, once you get into that world and set your mind towards the story, you will find this duration necessary. 

Also we have grown up watching three hour movies so. When I hear people complaining "oh this movie is too long", I think, "It is not! Sholay was 3 hours 24 minutes! Titanic was 3h 14m! Each of the Lord of Rings movie is 3 hours +- 20 mins!"  We are the binge generation who is ready to sit 8 hours to finish a series in one night; we are the generation who would go to university film festival and binge world movies from morning till night!. :D So don't complain that some movie is  2 hours 46 mins long! It is also remarkable that even in the ott generation people are willing to sit though long movies without a bathroom break.  

By the way there were double shows of Dune somewhere here, i.e Part 1 and 2 together. May be if there is a Dune 3 I will binge them in theater! :D 

  Now I have to mention why I loved this movie more than its prequel. The first and foremost reason is Zendaya as Chani. Zendaya is a brilliant actress who should win all the awards one day. And her portrayal of Chani acts as the emotional and moral anchor of this story. Had there been no Chani, you would never have understood how Paul Atreides is a shady character. Chani of this movie is the one who constantly reminds us of the consequences of herd mentality and believing in charismatic leaders. Some of her most remarkable lines are :

"Want to control people? Tell them a Messiah will come and they’ll wait." "This prophecy is how they enslave us." 

(You can read this article too: https://www.vulture.com/article/dune-part-two-review-this-is-zendayas-movie.html)

 And she gets betrayed at the end. Though Paul says "I will love you as long as I breathe" to her, the moment he saw the Princess Irulan he asked her to marry him. So much for star crossed lovers. And that is a wake up call too. The pretty face you love may not be as pretty inside. That one scene also reminds you of the themes you might have been familiar as an Indian audience. The guy always goes for the upper caste or upper glass woman even though he claims he is in love with a lower caste/class woman. Here is it Chani a Fremen being abandoned by Paul an aristocrat for Irulan the emperor's daughter.

 Though Paul says "I’d very much like to be equal to you" that was only a tactics he uses to impress others and make them help him achieve his ultimate goal - i.e power. The Fremen were genuinely worried for him when he was riding his first sand worm. But he rides it like a pro. This makes you feel that he was actually crafting an image of himself as a powerless gentle person where as he was always well trained and all he needed was a group of people who will ultimately do his bidding.  

    He broke both Chani's heart and her trust and also did a huge disrespect to Irulan. She is asked to marry him as a political tradeoff. That one scene when he becomes the emperor and everybody except Chani and Irulan bow to him is remarkable. It is upto the viewer's interpretation - how I interpret is that both women are unimpressed by this man. Chani's heartbreak will leave you in tears. And when Chani was riding away at the end of the movie it feels that free will is...

 Here I have to mention how you will start despising Lady Jessica for making vulnerable people to follow her and revere her and how she fans the fire to make people believe in the "prophecy" which would aid her son ascend power. 

What the movie brilliantly depicts via its casting is that the is the race factor. You must watch the it carefully to appreciate who are cast as vulnerable and who is manipulating them. Take this race factor, put it in a caste or class context, it is similar. 

    Why, apart from all the visual glory and exceptional making, DUNE 2 must be watched is because of the statements it makes. Beware of charismatic people. Beware of the unholy combination of religion/superstition and power. It is a cautionary tale against charismatic leaders and hero worship.

(https://www.forbes.com/sites/danidiplacido/2024/03/07/dune-part-2-is-paul-atreides-a-hero/?sh=1f75409c12e0)   

That's precisely a reminder we need to have in a world where people are following populist ideas (it stands true for the entire world) and being swayed by the so called "charismatic leaders".  I don't know what happens in the books after Paul Atreides' ascension to power. But we can make a guess from what we have seen in our own world. So the question is, are you going to be mindful of your hero worship, mindless following of charisma and oblivion to what can happen to free will as a consequence?  

PS : My most favourite scene in Dune 2 is when Chani teaches Paul how to walk on the sand with the peaceful score "A Time of Quiet Between the Storms" plays. It looked like they were dancing. <3

Don't forget...

When nostalgia drowns you,

Remember to read old emails

So that you are brought back 

To the reality you live.

When nostalgia rains on you,

Remember the disparities

So that you reconsider 

The longing to reconstruct the past.

When nostalgia fills your heart, remember, 

Like the song from the singer's vault said,

That no confessions of anything 

Is going to come your way.

When the present makes you wish,

Remember that he scarred you

And left you alone a decade ago

'Cause you weren't "beautiful enough".

When your heart still beats for him,

Remember how he has kept you blocked

All these years, as if you are impure

And would contaminate his pristine life.

When you start falling for him blindly,

Remember, that he left you for another

Got himself rejected only to find

Someone else who resembles you.

 

When you crave his friendship,

Don't forget the decade he was absent

Even when you could've 

Done with a friend's love.

So tell me heart, are you still waiting

For him to reappear and pretend,

That everything was fine and,

The past ten years didn't happen in your life? 

Negativity talk

Disclaimer: This post may sound a bit incoherent.

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I am actually having to voice my thoughts on this subject because I have been told that I sound very negative when I talk about my life to my friends or whomsoever I am talking to and that it is affecting the mood of the listener. First of all, I usually do not talk about my life's problems to anyone these days because post covid and an invasion, the world is upside down and there are too many problems in everyone's lives already. My life is also affected because of what has been happening in the world - ofcourse I live on this planet after all. I am occasionally forced to tell about my life to someone because something happens which makes me fear for my life and personal safety. So when a millenial, living in a world battered by whatever we have been going through for the past 3 years, shares her life situation once in a blue moon to someone, she gets to hear that she is full of negativity.

Hmm... I am not going to apologise to anyone for sounding "negative". Because the mental state I am in right now is "numb". I am not even seeking any advice or suggestion from people, but I am just telling people about what I have been dealing alone for quite a long time. It is only when traumatising situations arise that I decide to share those things to others. All I want is for someone is to listen to me without any judgement. It doesn't matter even if they don't say anything in return. But there is always some "advice" - "be positive", "have a pleasant mind", "do creative things", "ignore" etc.

My question to such people is that why do you feel the need to preach this positivity ideology to someone? Yes we all like it when everyone is happy. We like happiness and pleasantness so much that we feel a natural aversion to painful facts. Like the fact that women are not safe anywhere. That a pandemic and wars can put women and other marginalised groups in life threatening situations. What the positivity people usually tend to forget is that "being positive" is not going to solve the problems of these women and other marginal groups. The irony is when women themselves refuse to look at the truth that systemic failures are causing most of the problems in their lives. No, "being positive" is not going to help then.  

 I am not saying that one should always be aware of issues and be trying to solve all problems. We are humans and our minds get tired all the time from a lot of experiences. We all want happiness - actually peace more than happiness, being happy or at peace all the time is not possible for a human being. There are times when we feel sad and need to cry. When we have to cry we should cry, when we feel angry about something we need to acknowledge it. Even jealousy or envy should be acknowledged. Sometimes a lot of things may evoke multiple emotions inside our mind and it is perfectly ok to feel so. Denying those and telling oneself "be happy/positive" is not going to help at any time. There is an animated movie which explains some of these things in simple terms - "Inside Out". People should really watch this movie for starters. 

 I personally believe that eternal positivity can be toxic. Had generations of people "been positive" all the time, regarding their bad life situations created by oppression of all forms, then revolutions, freedom fights, movements for rights etc would not have happened. Such things only happened because people realised that something is wrong with the system/society they lived in, acknowledged emotions other than happiness, got uncomfortable and demanded and worked towards change. Reforms were not brought by people who self talked themselves into "being positive" but by people who probably got sad, angry and frustrated about their lives and their living environment. 

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   What prompted me to write all these is the fact that recently I was told that I have been sounding negative and unlike me. What sounds as negativity to others, is a reflection of the sum total of experiences I have had over the past year, like the following:

1) Since the beginning of 2022, I have been applying for new positions and have been rejected continuously. Repeated career rejection takes a toll on you. (If it is love you can probably reason that it is because it also involves another human being and move on.) But what is the justification for being rejected from job applications when all you have done for the past 15 years is work hard hoping that you will one day get a permanent job in academia? All these rejections are coming after I worked hard for three years on something. That makes it even harder. Had I not worked and idled away my time, I would not have felt this bad. Now I cannot tell if I am being rejected because I am a bad researcher or if it is because of my gender and race. Also I faced racism while travelling and face what I feel is sexism  at times in some areas of work. No, you cannot tell someone who has experienced racism or castism to be positive, because all those things are deeply hurting one's dignity as a human being. 

 2) Discrimination based on gender. This needs no further explanation - because it is a given if you are a woman of colour. At work you don't get new opportunities because you are a woman who is too old and at home you are abused by parents are relatives because you are single by choice and want to live life the way you want it! The system which is supposed to support you does not support you but instead discriminates against you so much to the point that there is no livelihood; you are forced to live in your parent's house because nobody will lease an apartment to single women in your country restricting your opportunity to escape domestic violence; if you are single, your parents will hit you for being single (and "too old"). If you call an emergency number when in distress about the physical violence and mental torture you are facing, then the person on the other side preaches about marriage to you! This is a sad reality which I (and probably many other people) am facing. 

3) I, a person who is trying to heal herself from her academic rejection induced wounds, am having to deal with the new wounds inflicted in the name of marriage by a patriarchal system! Patriarchy manifests as sexism in my career and as abusive relatives at home. Sure I can go to a doctor and get mental health support, but is that alone going to solve the problem that the system and society are hurting me? Will it change the fact that the society/system which is supposed to support its citizens and treat them fairly is not doing so? How can I "be positive" when I am trying to find a solution to my permanent livelihood problem, plus deal with the extra abuse inflicted on me for my life choices to the extend that I am physically attacked and injured? 

  These may seem like champagne problems but this is my reality. For many people looking at me I may seem like someone with a lot of privilage. Yes I have achieved some things in life compared to others. But that itself involved a lot of untold battles with abuse and trauma for years. Also, we cannot stay where we are and just reminisce about our past achievements all the time. We all need to move forward in life. When the one thing you have worked so hard for, most of your life refuses to acknowledge you and give you opportunities to move forward - especially a livelihood, you are forced to return to an abusive environment which you went away from. How can you "be positive" when this is the reality of your life? 

 This is not even the situations in your teens or 20s that you had a crush who rejected you resulting in you crying for weeks (see even then you have to cry and acknowledge the pain), got over that person and magically bounced back. This is the situation years later when you have had more life experiences and have acquired a certain maturity with which you view life pragmatically. And because you are an educated older millenial living in the 21st century, you can identify problematic behaviours and ideologies you when you experience it. No, the problems you are facing are not because you haven't worked hard enough (which like positivity is another lie fed to you). It is because most of the time the system does not work for its citizens and disappointingly evils like racism and castism which existed centuries ago still do exist in the modern world.

The natural reaction for these may not always be "hope" and "being positive". Because sitting around just hoping and refusing to face uncomfortable realities are not going to improve your or anybody else's life situation. 

True, me just being aware of the fact that the number of Indian women in the work force is falling, is not going to bring any change. But the reality that work force is refusing women opportunities for employment is something which also affects me. I cannot be held guilty for having goals and ambitions. But the system has to work to create equal opportunities for me, who is a woman of colour. Otherwise I will have to believe that all the talk about gender equality, diversity and inclusion are phony (which will again sound negative to positivity believers). 

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PS: Probably people who believe in this "be positive" mantra are afraid of addressing their own trauma or demons. Once in a while it may be good to take off the positivity mask and acknowledge your true emotions.

Eternal fool

I'm the eternal fool,

To believe that there is happiness 

In this world for me...

To hope that I will be acknowledged 

As what I wish to be...

To believe that there's love 

In this world for me.

To believe in kindness,

To believe in trust. 

And oh! Just to believe...

 

My place in this world

 My place in this world is nowhere, because I am a woman and my skin is dark. 

In one sentence this is what I feel. No this is not my delusion, but the hard fact. Whether I choose to pretend that it is not so or whether I choose to be aware of it, it is there. The people of the world are making me feel so over and over, again and again. 

 Sometimes it makes me wonder, if there is no place for me in this world, why live? People will say fight for your place, fight and win. But it is always easier said than done.  I've been fighting against the many odds in my life till now, I am tired - physically and mentally. Physically I am not getting any younger. Whether I like it or not, my body will fall one day. And I am tired mentally too. Why is it that for everything I want to have in my life I have to fight fight and fight when many other people have everything served on a golden plate without any difficulty? It is unfair that I need to fight against the societal norms to have a career of my own choice and then to fight against prejudice towards me in my chosen career. (And yeah I don't see a future in my chosen career because of the cycle of "you don't have enough achievements so we cannot offer you anything - you have no offer so you cannot achieve anything" scenario.) There is gender based discrimination and then there is race based discrimination. Both can be subtle to not so subtle. In some cases I end up wondering if the discrimination I am facing is based both on sexism and racism.

I cannot pretend that the instances of casual and not so casual racism did not happen in 21st century when the world is supposedly "modern". Each time I experienced the subtle and not so subtle forms of racism I felt mentally sick - starting with withdrawing from people. How do I know that the next person I meet is not going to racially abuse me either verbally or with their passive and/or aggressive actions? (I googled if racism can cause mental health issues and it can. Here is the link to an article if someone wants to read: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/racism-and-mental-health.htm . Also a note to people who are in denial that castesim does not exist in the modern world. It does. ) It also makes you trust people less often and question whether the ideals of modern world really exist or not. Even when modern people throw around words like "diversity and inclusion" all the time, as a person from a diverse/minority background you will soon find out whether you are truly included or not.

 Nobody wants to be treated badly. Even if I live in a part of the world where I may not have to experience racism, I still have to fight for my rights. I have it better than many other women of colour. But even then I have to fight hard to have what I have. The fight will be harder as you descend the ladder of socio-economic standards. It is not fair in the first place that the world has an imbalance of wealth in it. And even within that imbalance, women of colour have it harder. When someone is even denied the right to education based on gender, the same education which can enable them get enough skills to earn reasonably well and have atleast some sort of financial independence, it becomes even more unfair.

  Then the same old problem of devaluing a woman based on the presence or absence of a "man" in her life. According to some stupid people, even if a woman is highly educated, independent and can live on her own, she has no "value" if she is single. Such an irony that we live in a "modern world" but our ideas about life are still stuck in a millennium in the past. In every corner of the world, even in the modern society, patriarchy makes the decisions for a woman's body, love, life, career, food, shelter and even medical procedures a woman needs. Which makes me extremely frustrated. I have lost even the faintest amount of trust I had in this world. All I experience is the unfairness which makes you immediately cry but also raises the question why? Why does the world think that it can control me? Silently chuck me out of my career? Control my fashion, my food, my medical needs? Force me into selling my body to someone I may not love? Or even force me to have someone in life when I do not want anyone? Does the world think that if it does so, it will gain free labour, a human it can stalk, torture for pleasure, abuse and murder in the end? And if, that is not enough cook and eat? 

 These are the woes of just one me. The world has billions of people like me with many worries.

What is my place in this world which has people with pain as well those who inflict pain? 

What is my place in this world where I have to remind myself that higher living standards, education or being rich does not entail that a person is not racist, sexist or a "discriminator"? 

What is my place in this world where I am always a suspect because of my skin colour? 

What is my place in this world where a woman of my skin colour is always treated like a slave by people who don't even have as much life experiences as me? 

What is my place in this world where I have to "restrict" my freedom to travel (especially at night) or my freedom of using the internet because of safety concerns (when those causing safety hazards to me and others like me are allowed to roam freely by the system?) 

What is my place in this world where I have to constantly worry for my life - survival and a financially independent means of survival?

What is my place in this world which tells me that I cannot live unless I sign up for domestic abuse, mental trauma and constant stress? 

We all know what happens when one falls into the trap of signing up for domestic abuse - instant harm to life! Even when a woman escapes all these traps she is ultimately forced to end her own life because the society denies the right to have a dignified life.

 I know that ultimately I have no place in this world because I am always having to waste my time fighting unnecessary hurdles which the world does not place in front of people belonging to privileged groups. And even if I manage to overcome the hurdles and start doing things, it is never good enough. Too much fighting for my rights which I should be getting without having to fight, leaves me exhausted mentally and physically. When you face hardship after hardship, discrimination after discrimination, it triggers that immediate feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Especially when it feels like you are being denied your chances in life because of your gender and race. (Now imagine what would a person from an even more minority group may face.) We all know that kindness matters. But that is one thing we refuse to give someone who needs it the most too. 

We all start our lives thinking that our dreams and aspirations will come true and we will have a peaceful and pleasant life. But the reality is that a peaceful and pleasant life is possible only for a select few. The reality is that the count down has started for me. Why walk on egg shells and thorns with no hope of  reaching where I want to? Might as well end the journey forever in a world where I have no place.

Multiverse and desire

 Disclaimer: Those who have not watched "Multiverse of Madness" should read this only after watching it. 

     So I watched Multiverse of Madness after much anticipation. Marvel kept on reminding me when my collaboration meeting date was, since the movie was releasing on May 6th and I was traveling exactly on that day. Had I been in my city, I would have gone the next day to watch it. But because of the collaboration meeting and a plan that others would also come watch it, I waited impatiently for one more week. Then on the next Saturday I went to watch it. My company didn't seem to like or understand the context of the movie. Obviously one need to have watched Wanda Vision, What If , Loki and Spider-man No Way Home to understand a lot of things in this movie. ☺

 What this movie experience made me realise is that - never wait out of courtsey for someone who offers to come to a movie with you if you really want to watch a movie. The chances are that they might not like the movie and you may end up feeling unnecessarily guilty and also feel bad that you didn't watch it when you wanted to which is the next day of release! You should just go and watch a movie when you want to watch it. Most importantly I realised that there is a difference when I go to watch a movie alone vs with someone.

 When I go to movies alone, it is just out of love for cinema. There is nothing like going for a movie, buying caramel popcorn and sitting with a hall full (or half full in 2021) of strangers who also feel the same emotion as you. Though you are strangers there is an invisible thread of fandom or love of cinema connecting you and it feels good. 

Anyway this is not the main point of this post. Those who have watched the movie already know the story that Wanda is trying to bring "her" children from another universe and she needs powers to travel across universes. Dr.Strange is trying to protect America Chavez, whose powers Wanda wants to take for herself.  Dr. Strange and America Chavez travel through the  multiverse and reach Earth 838 where Dr. Strange meets another Christine. There are two tear jerking moments in this movie. One is when Dr.Strange (our Dr.Strange from Earth 616) tells this Christine "I love you in every universe". The other one is when Wanda is taken into another universe by America Chavez, where the children of that Wanda are terrified of our Wanda (in Scarlett Witch form).  

Desire is the essence of these two scenes -  desire and its consequences. Wanda desires to be with her children. So she thinks that she could use magic and get them from any other universe, despite the fact that those children may be living happily with another Wanda. Though it is also a version of Wanda in another universe it is not the same person with the same life, but a different variant with a different life permutation. Likewise, Dr. Strange and Christine never end up together in any universe despite loving each other at some point in time. The reasons may be different in different universes, but they never get be together in any universe. Dr. Strange desires to be with her in every universe but he cannot. In this movie the book called Dark Hold corrupts both Wanda's and Dr. Strange's variants because they badly want something and would have it at any cost. 

These two scenes put a thought in my mind. Suppose the multiverse is real and in every universe in that multiverse a version of me exists. Would their lives be similar to mine? Would they all be physicists? Or would some of them never became a physicist but became a dancer, writer, photographer, an actor, a super model? (Yup all those things I couldn't become in this life on Earth.) Or nothing at all? (Wait! I am assuming that the social laws of that universe is similar to ours. But what if it was an equal world, where my variant did not have to struggle for anything because of being a woman?) Say in one universe there exists a version of me who has everything she desires. And may be in another there exists one who does not have anything which she desires. (Ah! That's me!!) And in some those who have somethings but not other things they desire. 

And then another question - what if I were to travel the multiverse somehow hoping to find the people I want in my life like Wanda did. Even if I found those people and brought them to my life in this universe, they would never be the same people as in this universe except for their appearance. Like how our Dr. Strange met Christine of Earth 838. Though they understand each other on a certain level, they are not each other's Dr. Strange or Christine. And if our Strange likes her and vice versa, it is still equivalent to two new people liking each other. Even though you may look alike in a multiverse you are different people. Even if you meet your own variant, like both Wanda and Dr. Strange do, even they are not the same people as you. So if I meet a variant of me from another universe who is a physicist, I am still not the same as that person. She may have more publications than me, may not be someone who is not considered "not good enough" no matter what she does, is not conveniently removed from things, may have a lot of freedom to do what she likes, may not be bullied around for life choices and so on. Though she may look like me, she will never be me. I may not understand that me and she may not understand me though we may be variants of each other. My reality is mine only and no matter what versions of me exist across the multiverse, none of them are really me though there may be similarities. 

 Similarly if I were to find a variant of someone I really love, in the multiverse, it will always be a different person than the one I love in this universe. (What Wanda forgot in this movie is precisely this. Though "her" children from another universe might look like her own lost children, they were not the same and they would not love her as they would love their own mother Wanda.) This movie also reminded me of cloning. Say you wish a clone of someone whom you really love, exists, the clone is still another person and not the one you love. The clone can have a different personality than the original one. So would you really be loving the same person when you love a clone?

 One thing which this movie reminds you is - you cannot have everything you desire. No matter how powerful you are; no matter how much earnestly you desire for it; no matter how much it pains you and rips you apart that your desire is not fulfilled. Ultimately you have to let go. Like I've been letting go for all these years and years to come if I am alive...