The restaurant at night...

There sits a restaurant by the main road,
Inconspicuous, at the beginning of a small lane,
Drowned in the din of the bustling city by the day,
Only to be remembered by the regular customers
Including the other restaurant workers probably...

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Late at night, after business hours,
When the traffic dwindles and the people
Have taken shelters from the busy day's
Tiring schedules and are falling asleep,
With the shutters half closed, this restaurant
Catches your attention......

With the black tiled floor with white boarders,
Neatly swept and moped, with steel rimmed
Chairs and tables wiped clean and shining,
Chairs kept upturned on the tables, 
Glistening in tube light; the workers,
In casual clothes, refreshed after a shower, 
Prepare to sleep after a long day's work.

Some just lying on the now clean floor,
Chatting with one another, or watching
A video or a song, on a mobile network....
Or looking at the empty road sitting on the
Facade talking.....
Or sometimes just lying alone contemplating....

You can't help wonder if,
It is about a distant home,
Parents, wife and/or children,
Who may be waiting for his next visit home....

And can't help ask in your mind,
"Is it about your life as a worker
In a small restaurant, in a big city,
That you think oh dear hotel worker?
What are your dreams and aspirations?
What are your realities?"

Of true love....

It hurts every time when heart is broken,
Hurts every time when my love is not accepted.
People talk about true love and its greatness;
But where is the "truth" I wonder.

Because when a man loves "truly" it is "true",
It is great, transcends beyond time, and is hailed.
When a woman loves a man "truly" it is wrong,
It shouldn't be because the one who loves can't accept it.

A man's "love" has to be accepted, whether it is for
The body or the soul; a woman's love cannot be,
Because it is a woman's love;
Because she may not be beautiful or doesn't fit
The standards of beauty, or because the  man thinks
She is too common a person to have any rights to be loved back.

The man's "love" has to be accepted, because it will "protect"
And worthy all throughout the life.
Woman's love can't protect, doesn't count as worthy,
Doesn't have any value. Does it?
She should have no choices, of her own, rather than
To wait in vain to be loved back, to endure without question,
Or demands, for the so called man who "loves" her,
While he may be busy sharing "true love" with as many
People as he pleases.

She shouldn't demand to be loved,
She shouldn't tell frankly how much she loves,
But only hide every fiery tear and drink it,
And accept that she has no rights to wish,
To give and take true love, from some man someday
When he comes if he pleases and finds her measurements apt.

The man can try hard, and preach "love the ones who love you",
Because he wants to "win" the "object" of his love and keep
Her as a prisoner all throughout her life;
(This woman who is the "object of his "true" love" is supposed
To be content with her domestic prison because he earns
And can't have any identity on her own, because he is enough
For the two of them.)

If the woman tries hard, believes in love, the world laughs at her,
Makes remarks, considers her motives bad, even if there isn't one.
The woman herself is rejected, treated badly with words and actions,
Only because she loved, made the effort to keep it alive and made
The effort to admit it despite knowing the consequences.
(Nobody gives points for these.  But criticises her for loving somebody,
Including the one she loves.)
Her only fault was to love and wish to be loved back.

When a woman loves and wishes to be loved back,
Everybody gives her lessons about the value of sacrifices
And that people should not expect.
But when a man loves and expects to be loved back,
As if it is his birthright, and hurts mentally and physically,
If a woman refuses, why doesn't anybody teach him,
The value of sacrifices and the need to learn to let go?
Is letting go only meant for women?
Can't men let go of their "love" (or ego)?
Do only women have to be "selfless" and let go of everything?
(Ya and be princessy rather than be obstinate according to others?)

Why is labelled bad, even if she has gone to the extremes of pain
And endured everything silently, but still has faith in love?
Why is her actions questioned, and only her actions and not the man's,
Who may actually take revenge on a refusing woman by all means?
Why is it so unfair and biased?
Why can't a woman make a choice about her love?
Why can't the one who she loves accept it and acknowledge it,
Rather than hurting her by words and actions?

"True love" seems to be biased. So unfair.
Better not to love with all your heart,
It may be even better to just pretend and use.
It may just be even better to use and throw away,
Mercilessly; because when a woman believes in love,
Keeps it safe, makes efforts and has to take all the pain
And taunts and has to go through whatever battles, just because
She is a woman, it is simply unfair.
If love is true, I cannot be denied my choices be it love or
Anything, just because I am a woman.......

How love dies...

Love dies when we stop talking,

Love dies when we stop being with each other,

Love dies when we seek others when we are so close,

Love dies when you leave me alone for someone else.

Should I wait for you life long?

For the love which is already dead?

Love cannot be resurrected, 

Can it be? 

What if, I didn't wait and you came back,

Won't our love be dead for ever?

But I have been waiting for so long,

You seem to have forgotten me, 

Or are you just deliberately oblivious? 

Sometimes I feel, are you worth all these 

Pain and struggle, of finding hope amidst hopelessness?

Sometimes I feel may be you are the one, 

And this is only a sad phase. 

Are you really; now I doubt.

We never talk, we never listen, 

To each other, but drift away everyday.

Miracles just don't happen in love,

Torn by everybody possible;

You, me and everybody else. 

If only it were just the two of us,

Would this love be dead?

Was there love at all;

Now I doubt. 

I don't know, was it there?

Is it really dead? But how can it die, 

If at all it wasn't alive in the first place? 

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PS : Probably it is dead and forgotten.

Love doesn't rise again once lost.

It is a lost treasure,

All you can do is to believe for sometime 

And then stop believing;

Miracles happen only in fairy tales.

It is very bitter to wait for somebody

Who will never turn up.

Who never even looks upon you

But adores someone else and strays away,

Betrays shamelessly and without guilt.

Yes it takes tears to heal the severe pain;

But someday you will be honestly happy,

That he didn't turn up and left you for someone else. 

The other you

The other you exists,
But in my heart;
The other you keeps company,
While the real you is always away.

The other you talks to me,
The real you is always silent.
The other you asks,
"Would you like to have oranges?"
The real you do not.

The other you shares thoughts,
The real you do not,
The other you feels,
The real you refuse to feel;
Only for me.

The other you never lies,
The real you do;
The other you smiles at me,
The real you do not.

The other you sits with beside me on a wooden bench,
Watching fish climbing the walls of an ancient museum;
Or looks amazed at the fact,
That I know that flour is made from grains.
(But that's obvious!!!)

The other you looks at a full length mirror,
In a deserted shop and plans to take our picture;
The other you sits beside me in a crowded bus,
Trying to click the passing scenery,
When others look curiously at the merry company...

The other you walks with me,
Hand in hand on a moonlit night,
Along the seashore;
With waves drenching our feet...

The other you is always with me;
The real you is never;
The other you has my heart,
The real you doesn't want it.

The other you I feel happy with,
Gives me memories to last long,
The real you finds them with someone else;
The other you cares for me,
The real you doesn't give a damn;

The other you I love a lot,
The real you loves somebody else.
The other you I still dream of;
Alas you exist only in dreams now.

The real you is here,
But never near;
The real you is somebody else's;
Will always be...

Snatched away from me,
Was a dream so beautiful;
Denied to me were moments,
To make memories to cherish;
Lost in time, lost in actions,
Separated by reasons unknown,
I have lost you for a lifetime,
And forever.

Only if the other you were real...

My lifeline

The keeper of my sorrows,
The friend of blotched letters,
Written in tears;
The one who comforts me in loneliness,
The only witness to my solitary tears,
I fill your lovely pages
With my selfish sorrows,
Doesn't it hurt badly?
Or are you bored?
I am really sorry dear diary;
What would have I done without you!
My lifeline......

Empty

The heart has gone empty,

Robbed of words,

Feelings no longer exist,

I only feel pain.

What has befallen me I wonder,

Why this again?

I don't want this, 

For I don't have the strength.

Could my heart be empty if I still feel the pain?

I don't know the answer, 

All I know is that I don't know anything anymore.

Where are the answers I seek;

Deep down in my heart, 

But how can an empty heart give an answer?

Or is the empty heart the answer?

I keep going, the heart empty still,

Which I don't hope to refill;

Seems like the engulfing loneliness 

Has become my companion.

Amidst all the laughter I force,

I seek it, long for it;

Revel when I find it;

Ofcourse it was forced upon me;

By those who did't want me;

But with time I have come to like it,

As the only true companion I have.

My emptiness, loneliness, silence...

I don't know what to do with them.

Lessons have been learned;

But always painful;

Always the same;

The realization that the world doesn't want me,

Makes me wonder if I want the world at all.

If it was always me and me alone, 

Why would I want the world?

I don't have the answer.

Is it emptiness or darkness?

I was forbidden the light.

So like the poet said once,

I have come to terms with the darkness.

I don't know if I will ever like the light,

Or prefer the darkness, given an option.

I don't know if I will like the laughter 

Or the tears in my eyes better, 

Given a chance to laugh again.

I don't know if I like to be tender,

Or callous, to everything;

Whether I will like colours or monochrome,

Sounds or silence or that lonliness or companionship;

Given an option; only I don't have an option.

Do I wish I had one? I don't know. 

Sometimes paths bifurcate, 

Leaving options to choose one;

Sometimes there are no paths at all,

What should one do then? 

Make a path or just retreat?

I don't even know where those paths will lead to.

Is this ignorance part of the emptiness?

The empty heart is better probably,

No relations to bother about, 

No hills to cross, no tunnels to be made.

No reasons to cry, no reasons to laugh.

Just icy cold emptiness, no music, 

No tune, all but silence.

I want to hide in that shell of mine

And block everything out.

Make the world dark and keep silence.

For I have forgotten how to laugh,

How to talk and how to be happy,

All I know is to be empty, 

Empty and alone in the dark......

Signatures

At first I thought that I won't write it and just savor this experience myself only. But then I felt that I should share it. Let me urge you all to watch the movie "How old are you?". I will not say anything about the story of the movie or what questions it poses, because it should be watched and experienced oneself. There are many questions asked very well and will make you retrospect and contemplate. But the feelings and thoughts the movie leaves in you are strong and pleasant. You can call it inspirational in all respects.

   Special hats off to the actress who followed her dream and decided to come back and do what she is the best at (and mind you she is very good at it :) ) and gave a smart punch on the face everybody who is clinging to cliches. This is not a movie to be  watched, savoured and forgotten, but really to be thought off and applied in our own lives. Don't miss this movie of all. It is worth watching and remembering. :)  

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Sometimes, you take your life for granted and live it without leaving anything to make people remember you for ever. And even if you have dreams, you always let them go for the "obvious things" in your life. This is for girls mainly, where they are taught that all their dreams should converge in love or in a happily married ever after. Either they should sacrifice their dreams for somebody else, or they should use their dreams as a means to find somebody. It is not for them that they should dream, they are often told and reminded, their dreams are just means to find them an eligible life partner. A partner who will "take care of them" for the rest of their lives. But what happens in that "happily ever after?"  The woman has to give up her dreams, is forced to live according to somebody else's standards and if she protests, she is called disobedient. 

  

     Is a woman designed to be a love-sex-motherhood-taking care of all-has no rights of her own machine? Isn't even the most educated woman in our society treated with the least amount respect in her own family? How many of you have heard that you have no value if you cross 25? That you will not be married by anybody if you are above 25? That you won't get a handsome husband if you are not married by 25? That the chances of "settling" in your life becomes rare because you are highly educated? But who wants to "settle" and be forgotten for ever? Infact the word "settle" is the worst word I have ever heard in my life. In life you cannot settle. You will settle only if you have no dreams. Only if you take your life for granted and think that food-shelter-salary-husband-children-family will bring you happiness in life. A paid job (only for those lucky women who even have a job) and a "loving family" only cannot satisfy yourself in your life. Because you are ultimately a human being.

      

      And I don't have to explain in too many words about the celebrated human species. Then why is it that all those exotic attributes of humanity can't be yours? Just because you are a woman? A woman has to fall into the monotony of all those prejudices and cliches the moment she crosses 15? Forgive me if 15 seems to be too high. May be I should say from the moment she is born or is a zygote. Everybody "advises" you not to do this, not to do that, because it will affect your prospects of having a happy married life. After long years of marriage, the husband starts despising his loving and caring wife who stopped her own life and moved in to some shadows, because he gets bored of her. Same in love. Why? Is it because you have made any mistake in loving them? Or because you have not given enough love and care to them? No it is not because of that. It is because you have stopped standing up for yourself, hoping to be taken care of. It doesn't matter who you are and where you have to stand up for yourself. You have to do it wherever you are supposed to. Not for anybody else, but for you. 

        And when you do that, the whole world will respect you. Including this selfish husband-lover-family who takes you for granted. You are not somebody who has to be lowered to the standards of a servant. Do you have to be? Think about it. What were your dreams when you were young? Do you have a passion? Do you miss it, if you have let go of it for the cliched things in your life? Do you feel that you were not brave enough to take them up and follow it? Do you miss being you? If so, then you have to bring it all back. You are not living a colourful life now. It is like an old dilapidated mansion. Either you renew it and break it and build a strong new one. Otherwise one day or the other it is going to collapse and no one will help you.

     There is something which I have to mention about the movie here. The protagonist retorts with a strong video on facebook to the funny jokes which were spread about her. But she makes a point about her being known as the President's guest and not some self proclaimed show of on facebook. Most of the time, you get disheartened when people make fun of you about doing something stupid in some great situation, but don't realise that none of these people who make fun of you did not have that opportunity at all. It doesn't matter even if you have behaved stupidly, but the point is to get up from there and move on and make a statement with your actions. 

     For that you have to dust your old dreams or that spirit which used to define you, which made others look at you with envy or awe and respect you. There is no point giving up your dreams for something else in your life and regretting it later on. And if you regret it, you should take some immediate action and do not live in hell for ever. Because you have only one life as you and to be known as you. You don't have to go to the end of universe to become achieve something in life. Doing something which you like and living life in your own terms will do. Glitz, glamour and love do not bring that satisfaction. Money cannot buy it. In fact like you earn it. Through your efforts and makes you feel good. 

     The movie reminded me of many women around me. Including myself. I can write about women including my mother, and some of my teachers whom in many ways I respect. But to write something which is known very well to me, I think I'll write about myself. This is not some self propaganda or boasting (please forgive me if I sound like that ).  But these are the experiences of a girl who wants to leave a mark and has been struggling for years since she set that goal. Probably all of you have such experiences. My birthday is after five days. I am nearing the  end of my tweens and have been told that I should  get married and "settle". I am being viewed as a freak by many people. Every time I meet some old friend or chat with someone, they ask "what about your marriage", "when are you getting married", "if you don't get married soon and enjoy your life now there is no point living it" and so on! People view me as a freak. My parents are worried about me. My relatives are concerned about me. 99% of my old classmates/ friends are married and have kids. I am the freak who made the "mistake" of following HER dream. What is that dream? The dream of being a scientist. 

      I knew exactly what to become when I was in school. I had no clear idea what to become till I was eight years old and that was the year in which I read about solar system for the first time. (At that time there were nine planets in the solar system. :) ) I fell in love with it. (I remember once, the director of CERN coming to our lab and asking "why did you choose science"? I wanted to tell the story about solar system, but didn't say it for some reason.) And since then I have been in love with science. I fell in love with it over and over again, reading a particular book made me realise that we should love nature. And I started loving nature and the creatures in it, then I fell in love with the moon, the stars the sky everything, and finally I fell in love with astrophysics. But before that I had fallen in love with the something unexpected ; "the nature of things". :) Also known as Physics. My life changed. I can't express how much I love this subject, how much I am passionate about it and how much I long for it! Probably that love is what has given me a definition over the years.  I wanted to be a physicist from 9th standard onwards. I loved everything else, I love English and Maths too, but my love for Physics is just more than that. Physics is not something where I scored more marks. But it is something which gives me the satisfaction that I can also do something. 

    And I was ready to do anything for my love. So I pursued my dream. I knew exactly that I didn't want to join any professional course, I wanted to learn Physics and wanted to be a scientist. The movie says, "Your dream is your signature". If that is so, I too have a signature, "scientist". That is what my friends in hostel used to call me. Then I fell unexpectedly in love with particle physics (that is a different story), but that rendezvous was made possible by my so called freaky nature! Had I not gone to that quiz competition alone in by BSc second year and not qualified to the final despite being the only member in my "team", I would never have heard about quarks which made me come till where I am now. I didn't win any prize that year, but it changed my life for ever. And to some extend people used to identify me! Next year also I went after my quizzing dreams and won many competitions. Now I must say that I was always one among the toppers in most of the places (how I became a topper from a stupid girl is another story). That used to make me happy as well as sad. 

        Happy because I used to feel that I can also do something.  It is not the name or fame which made me happy, but the simple fact that I was doing something which I liked the most. It didn't matter if I failed, but I was happy that I tried. The struggles become harder and harder as I grew up, there were times when I used to think why all troubles would come to me only, but then I realised that I can't be happy without these troubles. It is my choice, my life in my own terms. Had I chosen to live a complacent life, I could have, but that would simply be not me! And what used to make me sad was that every other fellow had a lover or partner who "loved them deeply" when I had none and probably made me feel like a loser! My mind used to get baffled by the fact that why I was the loser when everybody else was a winner. But later on I realised that being loved or taken care of (infact this "taken care of" is a phrase with double meaning) is not winning. Winning is still chasing your dream and taking care of yourself without anybody's help. What use is being "known" as Mrs.X's wife/lover/girlfriend or Mr.Y's daughter/sister/mother and be forgotten for ever if that is the only way to be known? I have got enough love and care from people for being my father's daughter. But that is because people like and respect him for what he does. Similarly being known as my mother's daughter (luckily I have that privilege) is only because she has done something in her life. But I want to be known as me. Unless you want to be known as yourself, you will never chase your dream. 

     

      And the moments in which you feel good about yourself, like the passport officer looking at your mark list and asking you about your education or a student you meet somewhere unexpectedly telling you that "I know you chechi, you were in our college union" or somebody asking you "are you not that girl who came for that quiz" cannot come unless you speak for yourself and stand for your dreams and strive to achieve them. We are all humans, we need something other than the bare minimum in our lives. And that comes only through our dreams. Everyone of us have our own. It may be science, arts, craft, music, acting, public service, travelling; anything. But if it is a good dream and will bring good to you and others, do not hesitate to follow it. There will be hurdles and times when you question yourself. But the whole point is to keep on trying. You never know what will change your life for good. Get out from that pit of boredom and start living. Because we all have to leave some signatures in this world, big or small, we should definitely leave a mark. :) 

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